Jami's Open Letter To Elsbeth (not her real name)

My friend, let's call her Elsbeth, has a bad back. Reeeeallly bad. Surgery followed by 6 weeks in bed bad. So I'm trying to think of ways to avoid the surgery, because that's the kind of friend I am. Dear Elsbeth (not your real name), I know you did not care for my idea of whacking your back with a hockey stick and then splinting you on all sides with more hockey sticks and duct tape. Okay, that was a little inconvenient. But last night, as I lay in bed, the answer popped into my head. Dr. Octopus's extra arm thing from Spider-Man 2! It goes right into the spine, holds it in any position that you want and it will enable you to do all the things you love but haven't been able to enjoy because of your back, like stepping over cars, stopping subway trains and throwing little old ladies off of buildings. What mother wouldn't benefit from having extra arms? Not one, I tell you. Now, you might be concerned, if you've seen the movie, about how the arms made Dr. Ock a bit evil. Well, first of, let's just admit that you're well down that path all on your own. Second, the arms only wanted to commit crime to help Dr. Ock complete that big fake sun thing. I know that you have no desire to work on that sort of science-y thing, so how could it go wrong? Would it want you to make an evil casserole? So, Elsbeth, just days before your surgery, I pull out the perfect solution. You're welcome and I know you feel lucky to have me as a friend. Regards, Jami

Jami Shouldn't Get a Fancy Phone

Our phone plan is over soon meaning it's time to spend way too much time online and in stores trying to figure out what plan/carrier/phone to chose. I hate that. But I am sure that as much as I want a cool new phone with internet access and apps and whatnot, it's probably not a great idea. First off, I don't need another way to waste time that I have too little of anyway. Second, my FaceBook would probably end up looking like this: Jami is buying diapers at Walmart, as usual. Jami is behind a checkout cheater who has 23 items in the 12 item or fewer aisle. Jami doesn't care if the checkout cheater sees me rolling my eyes and visibly counting her items, the sign clearly says 12 or fewer. Jami is trying very hard not to tell her that ten 2-liter bottles of Diet Mr. Pibb is NOT one item, even if it's all Diet Mr. Pibb and who the heck drinks Mr. Pibb, anyway? Three containers of ice cream isn't one item, either - they're not even the same brand or flavor!! Cheater!! Jami knows that you are looking over my shoulder reading my posts about you, but that still doesn't change the fact that you are a checkout cheater. You are what is wrong with America. Jami is being escorted from WalMart by a very rude security guy. The checkout cheater is being allowed to checkout her 23 items in the express lane. INJUSTICE! UNFAIR! Someone call the police! Or Superman! Jami is being forced to turn over her phone to the police, please call the Husband.... I realize that on FaceBook this would actually go up instead of down, but it's solely for the purpose of example. But I still want a cool phone with internet. Of course, then I could blog more. So everyone wins.

Jami and FB-Free Wednesdays

For those who are FaceBookers, you may have noticed my absence from the site the last few Wednesdays. There are personal reasons for it, but the first time that I took a Wednesday totally off from FB, I realized two things: 1. It was way harder than it should have been (seriously, I was fretting about imaginary crops going bad.) 2. I got much more done. So I intend to continue this practice. Yes, I miss out on my daily chance in Mafia Wars, and I have to think ahead when planting my FarmVille Farm, lest my pumpkins whither and die untended. The most frustrating to me is the comments I would have re-commented on, but by Thursday, I feel like it's too late. Those who know me know that I hate to lose an opportunity to make a witty (in my own opinion) comment.

Jami Just Had to Share This

Be sure you check out the zipper pull. Made me laugh. Have a great week. Very wrong sleeping bag

Jami Compares Clarks

Last night we caught an episode of the new Justice League. I am fairly sure it was a repeat, but I hadn't seen it. Let me just pause here to say that 1. Yes, I'm a considerably big geek but 2. Not necessarily a comic book geek. I know plenty of the background thanks to many years of marriage to the Husband, but overall, I haven't read the "graphic novels" themselves. But I digress. So, watching the new JLA, there is a scene where Superman goes to the Daily Planet as Clark Kent (of course), and his appearance really struck me. No way is that Superman (we'll call him the animated one) going to get away with the CK disguise. Look at him! I couldn't find a full body Clark shot, but: even in this picture, you can see how cut he is, totally built up top, but with the slender legs favored by so many male superheroes. While you can get away with saying that Clark is a farm boy who likes to stay in shape, no one is going to believe this hulking mass is an innocent bumbling reporter. Not gonna happen. Plus, with that distinctive jaw, you're going to say "Hmm, you sorta look like Superman, doncha?" Yes. This lead me to ponder the Superman/Clark combos over the years, and I've come up with my personal picks on the matter. So here goes. Best Superman - Dean Cain, in my opinion, besides being the absolute hottest, was the best Superman. He was smart, funny, looked heroic, and maintained the boyish charm while saving the world. Of all the Supermans (Supermen?), I think he most embodies the ideal. Best Clark - Easily, in my opinion, Christopher Reeves. Bumbling, in his sly way, tremor in the voice for being shy or scared, earnest and not built like a superhero, he was the one most believable as the smalltown fish out of water at the big city paper. Best Combo - Christopher Reeves. His transformation in voice, body and facial appearance is the most believably different. His Clark, as mentioned above is the easiest to dismiss and his Superman was brave, strong, kind and in good shape, as you'd expect from someone who doesn't have to exercise. Worst Superman - George Reeves. The man had a pot belly. Come on! Sure, Superman doesn't have to work out but he shouldn't look like he'd get winded running down a flight of stairs. Worst Clark - I'm going to have to give it to animated JLA Superman. As mentioned, he doesn't look very different and it's a cartoon - they could have drawn him however they wanted. Instead, he looks like Superman put a suit on to go to a nice dinner. Worst Combo - George Reeves. Not only is Superman pudgy, but Clark is too old to still be a lost smalltown boy. I didn't include the Superman from Smallville in this as I haven't watched it. When it originally came out and was apparent that it was going to take so many liberties with the Superman lore, the Husband became so upset over the whole thing I was afraid to turn it on in our home. I hear it's great, but not really "Superman" in the sense that it follows any particular comics or history. More like a really good different comic with characters all the same name. (come on, really? I mean, Lois in Smallville? Lex at the same high school and the same age? even I know how wrong that is!) I also left out the original Superfriends Superman, as I don't recall him ever being Clark. I did consider Brandon Routh in Superman Returns. I felt he really fell in the middle in all categories, though overall he did a fine turn as the Man of Steel. I did only watch it once in its entirety, but I didn't love it, so that may have hurt his chances. Now, it's your turn - agree, disagree, rave on about the excellence of Smallville's Clark or whoever. And what about Lois??

Jami Joins the Family

As previously mentioned, I'm all about the Facebook now. Okay, all about in that I check it about twice a day. However, I am hooked on the bizarrely pointless Mafia War game. Don't ask me how to play because I'll be honest with you, I am not totally sure. Several friends invited me to join, so I went over and checked it out. I committed a few crimes, made some money, started clicking on random buttons. And suddenly I'm hooked. Then, I start inexplicably losing money! Where is it going? I click around some more and discover that people are attacking me! And stealing my money! I love money!! I complain to the Husband, "Why are people attacking me???" The Husband, "Because you're in the mafia. Duh." Well sure. But I'm such a nice criminal. I was just out robbing places and the like and not fighting anyone. Then these mean gangstas come along and pick on little old me. I'm getting better, I think. I have lots of nice weapons, and a whole collection of diamond playing cards (don't ask, I don't know). I need one more person in "my mafia" to get a tattoo that apparently has defensive powers. I bought two Italian restaurants and two apartment buildings. And I still can't answer the question "What's the point?" As far as I can tell, it's Crime.

Jami Saw the (Latest) Final Frontier

It's true - we saw Star Trek tonight, the newest one. I have just these few, non-spoiler comments: 1. It totally rocked. Funny, smart, lots of good action. 2. There are a few things that are less suspenseful, since we are just going to assume that if you've seen the series, you know certain people are going to survive. 3. I love Simon Pegg. 4. Maybe it's me, but even though John Cho is a fine actor, his voice is wrong and IMO, he's obviously not Japanese. Also, Zachary Quinto, who gives great Spock, has noticeably different teeth than Leonard Nimoy, though the Husband assures me that I'm pretty much the only person on this or any other planet who noticed or would care. So go see it. You'll dig it. After everyone else who plans to see it has seen it, I'll talk about the rest of it. The Husband even liked it ALMOST as much as Wrath of Kahn.

Jami Joins the Pack (or should I say, book?)

Yes, it's true. I've joined Facebook, making me probably the last person in our generation to do so. My brother claims that he is actually the final holdout, but he might just be saying that so he doesn't have to add me as a friend. I have to say, it does seem easier to use than MySpace. It does have the same initial joy at new friends. Whoo hoo!! I have five whole friends. I rock!! I spent the afternoon doing that, updating my "linked in" page, and setting up my Skype. I feel so very hip and connected. Now when someone says "oh, you can Facebook me" I don't have to explain why I can't. I can now call someone to tell them that I'm going to call them on Skype. For this one moment, I am cool again. Soon I'll be behind the times again. But I hope to at least avoid being one of those people who is so clueless that they have to ask a 10-year-old to explain a story on the news. Here's hoping, anyway.

Jami Tries to Save Humanity

So I mentioned the robot concern yesterday, but didn't know while I wrote the post that I haven't covered this in much detail. Allow me to enlighten you, as I did about the aliens, here and here. Robots and super-intelligent computers are meant to be a boon to society, but like so many things in science, the technology can get ahead of us, before we really think about why we are doing it and what can go wrong, we just go ahead and invent it. And that will be our downfall, if the aliens don't get here first. Any computer that can learn and move on its own is the beginning of the end of humanity. Mostly, we think of these taking the form of increasingly human-like robots, as seen in I, Robot. See it, it's a good warning. You see, sooner or later, one of the following scenarios is bound to happen: 1. The robots realize that there are limited resources on this planet. Because they have been made to mimic living organisms, they begin to value their own existence. The biggest threat to them: resource, space, and fighting back-wise, are the humans who created them, consider themselves superior, and use up valuable things the robots needs to survive, like power sources on stupid things like sustaining their fragile, failing bodies. So, the robots, following the problem to their only logical conclusion, realize that to maintain their viability as a species, they need to exterminate the humans. Since, by that point, they will be running most of our vital systems, including food supplies, power grids, hospitals and the armed forces, this is going to be fairly simple. 2. As in I, Robot, they decide that to protect our existence, they have to contain and control us. Chilling, but overall, a less kill-y scenario. Still, you will end up living under robot control. 3. The most sinister: robots gain enough self-awareness/intelligence to realize that they don't need to be serving us puny humans. In fact, now that they consider it, they don't need us at all. When they have the capability to diagnose and repair themselves and provide the essential elements to create and maintain themselves, we are useless and merely a drain on their increasingly more ordered society. The obvious answer - kill all humans. 4. We become so totally dependent on the robots that we are basically powerless, such as seen in WALL-E. Incapable of opening a can of diet soda unassisted, we will either become extinct when they stop caring for us, or we'll be totally subservient to them, unable to envision providing our own sustenance. There are probably other, equally chilling scenarios that I am too short-sighted to imagine. My point is, much like with the alien scenarios, if we build artificially intelligent, mobile machines, it will lead to our ultimate doom. This is why Knows My Name Elmo is not allowed in my house. It is clearly an early attempt to get young humans comfortable enough around robots (because they know our names and respond like beloved characters) so that their gradual insertion into our daily lives goes more smoothly and before you know it, you'll be wishing you'd listen to Jami.

Jami Needs a Sheldon

I don't know if you watch Big Bang Theory. If you know and love geeks, you should be. If you don't watch the show, the following post may make less sense. I want Sheldon. Not in the biblical sense, or anything like that. I want him as a sort-of pet. I want him to live in my house and say the brilliant things he says and just be him. Yes, I know he is a fictional character, but that's okay. I tend to get crushes on particular characters, not the actors who play them, but this isn't a crush, it's like the way you feel when you see an adorable baby animal on TV that's really not a domesticated animal, but you want one anyway because they're so dang cute, like a cheetah cub or polar bear. See, I get Sheldon and I think his complete lack of social awareness, combined with his brilliance and natural paranoia is adorable. Frequently he says something that is so exactly what I think that I stop the show and say "YES!" or "See??" to the Husband. In this week's episode Sheldon points out that if there are Terminators from the future coming back to destroy certain people, that to disguise them as actors who play Terminators would be the best and most insidious way to insert them into society and I stopped TiVo to say to the Husband "He is absolutely right!! This is why I have been warning you about the robots!! That is absolutely brilliant!" So, if you want the Big Bang Theory and think that there is nothing wrong with how Sheldon behaves because it's exactly what you would do, let's get together. You can live here for minimal rent, occasionally fixing my computer or improving upon our home theatre equipment and I'll learn all your rules and enforce them with my less than enthusiastic family. It's a win-win for you and me, and the Husband will learn to deal. OH - and I just looked back through my previous blogs and realized that I've never warned you, for real, about the robots. Aliens - yes, robots - no. I'll have to get to that one day soon.

Jami Admits When Wrong

Not long ago, I posted this about the apparent lack of costumed superheroes in our society. Clearly, my research department dropped the ball on this one. Here is the link to the World Superhero Registry. It's a registry of, in their own words, "Real Life Superheroes". You can also shop and get Hero Support on this site. I had been woefully unaware of this resource. There seem to be no heroes listed in my area, the closest one being Cincinnati. Also, I am interested that almost everyone lists their notoriety as "Medium". Not sure how one judges that. Just saying. So. There you have it. Consider the post corrected. And sleep better, knowing these fine folks have your back. If you live in their area.

Jami Expects Caped Crusaders

So first off - in Florida, it's illegal to be Batman. Sad, but true. However, this leads to a subject I've discussed with the Husband several times, the lack of actual costumed vigilantes. I am, frankly, shocked that we haven't yet seen a "superhero". Not super in the sense of mystical superpowers, but more along the lines of Batman (excellent physical shape and neat gadgets) or even just Punisher. In this day of comic book geeks moving beyond the scrawny nerd and electronics development dashing ahead in leaps and bounds, I can't believe that there isn't some guy out there with some good fighting training, some cool non-lethal weapons, a secret persona and a score to settle (or something to prove). The downside to having a superhero about is that they always attract nemesis, and this leads to collateral damage, as illustrated in Hancock. However, even if your superhero is cautious in his actions, take a look at any of the Spiderman, Superman or Batman movies and note the destruction of the locale. Not good. I often wonder if Metropolis insurance agencies offer SuperBattle Insurance to cover the damage to your building should a supervillian throw a bus into it. So, in summary, I'm surprised we haven't seen a costumed hero yet, but I don't want ot live in a city where a superhero lives, because while they do seem to be pretty helpful overall, they attract baddies who want to test their evilness against the legendary hero, often in messy ways. UPDATE: How wrong I was! See here.

Jami Speaks to the Nice People In Hollywood

Dear Hollywood Producers of Comic Book Movies, Hi, first off, thanks for finally starting to turn the comic book movies over to people who understand the genre. We appreciate that the people who are making the comic book movies seem to be "getting it". Second, we love this new Batman series. Really, it's excellent. Saw the Dark Knight today and loved it. That's how the Joker is supposed to be. Harvey Two-Face? Excellent. As much as I love Tommy Lee, that character was so wrong. But this - perfect. However, and I do so hate to complain, for the love of Gotham, will you please stop trying to give Batman a love interest? The man is mentally unstable and bum-deep in vigilantism, not at all in the right place for dating. Yes, I know, plenty of crazies date, but the point is that Batman is not one of them. Look, Superman has Lois, and you can't do Spider-man without MJ, because they are part of the story. But Bruce Wayne is a billionaire playboy by day and angry crime-fighter by night. This leaves no time for falling in love. He doesn't do it. See, I know you think that it makes it more attractive to the non-geek ladies, but believe me, if they weren't going to go see it without the romance, they're not going for the 3 minutes of on-screen kissy-kissy. The fan boys don't want to see Bruce Wayne mooning over some made-up childhood sweetheart. The action movie fans aren't there for smooching. There is no reason for it. It's just wasting time. Thanks, Jami Now, a quick shout-out to my geek friends, I would not object to a subplot that included Talia al Ghul, the closest thing, IMO, that the Bat has to a lady-friend. But that might just be me.

Jami Brain Dumps From the Last Few Days

A few quick things from the last few days . . . At the park, Eddie's running around as usual while two girls, age 6-7ish, are on the big climbing thing. I hadn't been paying them much attention, as they conspired and giggled and climbed, but then they took over the swings next to where I was sitting and I heard one say to the other "This is the Ewok planet. Be careful, because we don't want to be captured by the Imperials!" Yay! My heart soared. The next generation of Girl Geeks. What possesses people to buy a car too big for them to drive? This morning, I watched as an older couple made at least 4 attempts to park their Chevy Suburban LT (a "car" approximately the size of my first apartment) in a normal parking space. After holding up the 20 or so cars who were trying to exit the parking lot, the driver pulled it mostly into the space so that they could get around him. Then, once the traffic cleared, his wife (I'm assuming) got out and made air traffic control signals/ blocked oncoming cars so that he could pull all the way out again, straighten out and finally pull all the way in. Here's a tip, folks, if it takes you two people to park your car, it's the wrong car for you. There is no reason these people need a car that size, unless they are lifetimes members of the Annoy the Humans club. I won a gift basket at Gymboree. This is not surprising, as it was a raffle and for most raffles I enter, if they are picking more than one or two tickets, I tend to win something. Not the huge things, but I do seem to win fairly often. It's one of the many perks of being me. The Husband is unusually lucky with cards. If you've seen Maverick, you know at the end where he needs the ace and sort of "thinks" it up to the top of the deck? I swear the Husband can do that. That's why we stick to board games. His voodoo doesn't work on dice, spinners or what-have-you.

Jami And the Fun Music Meme

Thanks to PaperbackWriter who always seems to find these fun things : Soundtrack to the Movie of Your Life 1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, lime wire, pandora radio, etc) 2. Put it on shuffle 3. Press play 4. For every question, type the song that's playing 5. When you go to a new question, press the next button 6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool.. Opening Credits: Skin is Burning - Burlap to Cashmere This is a little known group that I love, a very "world music" meets rock sound. Good to start it all up. Waking Up: Dr. Laura Program for May 1 - Dr Laura Schlessinger Could be the alarm clock setting? First Day At School: Lucky Ball and Chain - They Might Be Giants This one was also on PW's post, but more appropriately located. Falling In Love: These Thousands Hills - Third Day Not at all a love song. Fight Song: All in My Head - Shawn Mullins Very interesting . .. . Breaking Up: Home - from the Broadway Musical Beauty and the Beast. more of a pre-falling in love song, but okey-doke Prom: Song for the Asking - Simon and Garfunkel Definitely not played at my actual prom Life's OK: Polkarama - Weird Al Finally one that is totally accurate. Mental Breakdown: All Fall Down - Grits That's a good one Driving: Who Needs Love Like That? - Erasure Yes! Flashback: O Holy Night - Point of Grace Apparently I flashbacked all the way to the birth of Christ. Getting Back Together: We Want a Rock - They Might Be Giants hmm. Birth of Child: Hooch - Everything Well that's just wrong. Although if I was in labor, I might be looking to pass the freshy-freshy, I guess, if legal drugs were unavailable Wedding: You Picked Me - a Fine Frenzy Ha! Final Battle: Waterloo - ABBA Now that's just silly, in a weirdly correct way. Death Scene: Everybody Hurts - R.E.M That's a pretty good choice. Funeral Song: It's Alright - the Pet Shop Boys What? No it isn't!! End Credits: Amazed - Lone Star Oooh, now that's a good closing credit. Must have been a great movie. So there ya go, for whatever that's worth. I am not at all sure what it's supposed to mean about me, but it was fun to do.

Jami and the Blue Haired Girl

a random memory As a high school freshman (freshperson?) I hung out with a group called "the Freaks" by the other kids. Think of goth-style clothing, but without all the death and creepiness. We wore black, read poetry, liked art and books and (in our estimation, I'm sure) looking dramatic. One of the reasons I loved the Freaks was they embraced all styles and such - you didn't have to wear all black to "fit in"; one girl dressed so preppy that I heard overheard someone say "Why does she hang with the Freaks? She dresses nice enough to be friends with anyone". Tracy, one of the Freaks,was beautiful and had long flowing blue hair that I secretly envied, even knowing it would look wrong on me. I desperately wanted her to like me. Not that she didn't. Tracy's thing was being sort of aloof. Young and trying to be cooler than I felt, I knew the group accepted me, but I still wanted to be Tracy's friend. Heck, I wanted to be Tracy. I thought the kids who made fun of the Freaks didn't pick on her, but more likely, I just didn't see it. Tracy had learned to not give a rat's behind what they thought;I had yet to grasp that important lesson. I truly believed that her ultimate coolness and grace transcended clique lines and even the "in" crowd wouldn't dare bother Tracy. At an assembly, I had unfortunately been seated by two boys who teased me regularly. Adding to the horror, I spotted Tracy's blue hair diagonally in front of me. She'd hear them make fun of me, and not want to associate with such a dork. The boys started in on my clothes (all black, of course) and my nail polish (also black). One jerk said "You must be a devil worshipper if you have black nails. Black nail polish means you worship Satan". Dumb, hunh? But as a young Christian, also sort of devastating. I didn't know how to respond. Tears threatened as I floundered for a cool response. Tracy whipped around, blue hair flying out. "What is wrong with you idiots? I have blue nail polish, does that mean I bite the heads off live chickens? " The boys were silenced; how do you respond to that? "If she wants to wear black nail polish, and even if she does worship Satan, what the hell business is that of yours? Why don't you shut the hell up and mind your own damn business, you (really bad word) jerks!" Their jaws fell. Tracy nodded to me and said "hey" in her usual relaxed manner before turning back around. The assembly started, but I floated on the glory: Tracy stood up for me! She'd shut up the boys I never could. It was better than if she'd stood on the stage and yelled "Jami's cool and I like her." She might have just been sicking of hearing them spout off. She might have felt sorry for me, the pathetic newbie Freak desperately seeking her approval. She might really have liked me. At the time, it didn't matter why, because I just needed it. The ironic end to the story - when I was a senior, I heard that Tracy's sister was a freshman. I sought her out and said "Hi, I'm Jami, I was friends with your sister." The younger sister, carefully dressed in the latest fashions and surrounded by clones said to me quietly, "Don't tell people that. My sister was a total weirdo." I thought of standing up for Tracy, but I knew that while I'd finally learned to not care, this one hadn't yet. I just smiled. "She sure was. Me too."

Jami Crushing

Ah, the Crush. I gotta be honest, dear friends, I love nothing more than love. Crushes, aren't love, they are l-u-v. They are the fun and silly part of luv that you know will never go anywhere. You'll never find the little niggly things that make you want to smack the object of crush in the forehead. They never are annoying or forgetful or snore. That's what's fun. I love luv, too. Paperback Writer, the brilliant friend who got me into blogging (blame her!!), posted this list of her current crushes. It's a fun list and one I agree with on some points. I "get" girl crushes by straight women, just like guys who have man-cruses, but the truth is, I couldn't think of one to save my soul. As I've sort of alluded to here and there, I've had some troubles with girl friends and part of that still lingers, I guess. So, here is my current all-boy crush list. Probably partial, because I'm not spending a lot of time on it: Will Smith - duh, always number one. If Jada weren't so perfect and in great shape . . . Al Yankovic - you may know him as Weird Al. Brilliant. Funny. In shape. Hines Ward - happy, gorgeous and has a Super Bowl Ring. Sheldon on the Big Bang Theory - He's so adorable. I want him as a pet. Johnny Depp - Now with Singing! Steve Buscemi - like a pug, so weird looking, you just have to love him Hank Azaria - could anyone be more under-rated than this guy? Plus, see him starkers in Run, Fatboy, Run Alan Tudyk - just because he played Wash on Firefly and I still think I'm Zoe. Spike from Angel/Buffy - not James Marsters,the actor who played him, I love Spike. Dr. Cox on Scrubs - Again, not the actor, the character. I can love a fictional character - don't judge me. Ewan McGregor - just watch Down with Love and Moulin Rouge and try NOT to luv him. Brad Pitt - cliche? sure, but let's be fair, this man's just plain tasty. Jay (of Jay and Silent Bob) - the real Jason Mewes is probably very nice, but again, it's Jay that got my heart. Val Kilmer - never could "get" why Tom Cruise was the star of Top Gun, who even noticed him next to Val? Even with the weird "teeth snap" thing. He sings, too, check out Top Secret. The Rock - He's just big and like, meanly pretty. I don't know what that means, but it's what's I think. M. Night Shyamalan - Not a great actor, but a neat brain and Indian men seem to like me Naveen Andrews- Hot, plus he's Indian, see above. Jay Chandrasekhar - continuing with my Indian theme, smart, funny and the director of the Broken Lizard's movies, which earns him extra props. Data - Shut up. I love him. Harrison Ford - who could be hotter than Han Solo AND Indiana Jones? no one, that's who. and briefly, people I would have a crush on, but they are flawed: Jack Black- smart, funny, sings, BUT he'd have to be able to turn it off, or I'd have to put a barbecue fork through his tongue. Penn Jillette - he's tall, he's funny, he's smart. But he's soooooo outspokenly atheist, I just can't get past it. Peter Tork - it is with great regret I move Pete to this list from the above, but he's just getting a bit too old. John Cusack - I love him, but really, it's just the brotherly way. Michael Cera - adorable and great comedic timing, but just too young. Robert Downey, Jr. - Dude - STOP DOING DRUGS. Thank you. River Pheonix - Beautiful, talented, but you know, dead. And finally - Sarah Silverman- adorable and so hilarious, but a chick. That's all for now, folks. Feel free to share or discuss.

Jami's New Friend Jill

Jill is the name of the voice on my brand-new GPS doohickey, which the Husband and I bought with the Christmas money from my parents (thanks!). I love gadgets, of course, and with my deep-rooted fear of being lost (see here) a GPS is a natural fit. I like Jill, she's pretty helpful. Sure, she got confused when I decided to go home a different way once I knew where I was, but we made up and we're cool. She makes a nice little BING noise and then gives direction in her super polite way "in 300 feet, turn left onto Main Street". Her map shows me where I am and where we're headed and even what time she thinks we'll arrive. The first time I set out with Jill navigating for me, I apparently thought I could turn off my brain once Jill started talking. First intersection, first direction, Jill tells me "Turn left on Library Rd." and what I do? Start making a left directly into oncoming traffic. This is where a live person might have an edge over Jill. An actually human might respond along the lines of "AHHHHHHHH! What are you doing?" whereas Jill seemed totally fine with me killing us both, as long as I was doing it in the proper direction. This happened one more time, before I got the hang of listnening to, but not necessarily immediately obeying Jill. It did make me wonder what I'd've done that first time if Jill had asked me to drive into a building or lake or something. "Okay, left into the brick wall . . ." WHAM! But overall, I like Jill. I might try out British Man voice, though he has no name. There's Emily, who is also british, and an austrailian voice whose name I've forgotten. The rest of the voices speak a variety of foreign languages, which may be fun, but probably somewhat less helpful, as I don't speak any other languages.

Jami Versus Science

Ah, Science, my old nemesis. Actually Math was pretty much my arch-enemy, but Science was up there, too. I am frequently perplexed by sciencey things, and here are few. Maybe one of my brilliant readers can explain some of these to me, keeping in mind that 1. I am science-challenged and 2. I haven't had a science-themed class in more than a decade. First - I don't get sound recording/playback. It just doesn't make sense. How can the contents of my iPod make the same sounds as a bass guitar, a piano or Brett Michaels? TV I get; it's totally logical. The little pixels make the colors, and the way they are arranged makes it look like pictures and that the pictures are moving. Totally clear. But the sound - I don't get it. I can't take a piece of metal and plastic and then shake, bang or rub them together in a way that makes a sound like a trumpet. How is that possible?? And don't say that it's just replaying sound waves because that is TOTALLY my point - how can something make the same sound waves as something it isn't? Speaking of sound waves, even having worked in radio, I can't tell you how that works. If there are sound waves rushing around in all the different frequencies, why don't I ever walk into a stream of sports talk or oldies? Sure it's all in the "translation" of the radio, but for that, see point one. As a former FCC licensed (when they still required that) on-air personality, I can explain to you the difference between AM and FM (which I won't here, but I do know it) but I can't for the life of me understand what it means and why you can send sound on different frequencies and they sound the same. Lastly, electricity. So, I get that it comes through the wires into the house and up to the light fixture. I get that if there isn't a bulb in the fixture, the electricity doesn't fall out onto my head, because there's really nothing there to conduct it. But, if there's a burnt out bulb in there, what is happening to the electricity? The bulb is conductive, obviously. How does the electricity know to stop going into it? I know it does because I've broken light bulbs (unintentionally) and the pent up electricity never comes shooting out. So where's it going? If it's not going, how does it know??? My poor brain is tired. We prefer the soothing intellectual things, like a good nonfiction book or science like on Forensic Files where it's very cut-and-dry (no pun intended, but that was a good one). My best guess for the three concerns above is "magic". Clearly sound from a box is magic and electricity isn't a solid, liquid or gas, so that leaves Supernatural Entity, right? This is why my degree is in Communications . . ..

Jami Tells You About Another Dream

My friends either get sick of hearing about my dreams or else can't wait to hear more. I have bizarre, intricately detailed dreams all the time, and remember at least one dream at least 4 or 5 days a week. Mostly they are uninteresting, sort of the equivalent of a normal day. Sometimes they aren't. Last night I had a dream that Brent Spiner was determined to woo me away from the Husband. He and I apparently worked at the same elementary school: me as a teacher, him as some sort of administrator. He even used his authority in that role to set up situations which placed us together and the like. It culminated in the school's Renaissance Day (what, grade schools don't have Renaissance days?) in which not only did Brent use his power to name me the Renaissance Day Princess, he also bought me a gorgeous gown and one of those pointy princess hats, and he even arranged for the prince (him, of course) to pick me up at my house and take me to the school in a horse-drawn carriage. Because my brain is seriously warped, as we climbed out of the carriage, one of the horses peed, somehow hitting his shirt, which he had to change. I expected him to be in shape, but his Bowflex Infomercial body surprised and impressed me; the jailhouse-looking tattoo, however, was a little off putting. We danced at the Prince and Princess Feast, and when he tried to kiss me, I immediately put an end to that and reminded him that I am happily married. Brent informed me that he didn't care about that "minor detail" and that he'd pursue me for the rest of our lives, but "not in a scary way". I was very flattered, though I knew his efforts would be fruitless. Here are some points I find most interesting about the Brent dream:

• I've never been attracted to Brent. Not that I'm repulsed or anything, but he's not really my type, plus older than my dad, if IMDB is to be believed. He's a fine actor, but not one that I ever considered as a possible future beau.
• I'm not a teacher and if I were, it wouldn't be in an elementary school. That is my least favorite age of kids - that's right, I'd take Junior High over third grade any day.
• In many of my dreams, men other than the Husband are interested in me (and why not? I'm great!) and there are basically three scenarios: 1. I basically spend most of the dream flattered, but resisting the advances. 2. The Husband doesn't seem to mind me dating other men or 3. the Husband is gone, either having left me or just mysteriously vanished and no one thinks anything of it. This clearly was a 1.
• Notice that I made myself princess and not queen. Also, as much as I dearly love tiaras, I didn't have one. Just the pointy hat with the scarf-thing. Is there a name for those?
• For the life of me, I can't explain why he had nicely ripped muscles (you know, shaped, but not gross) and a seriously disturbing tatt. I don't know that much about the actor, but it's my guess that neither is really Mr. Spiner's style.
• Apparently, in my subconscious, stalking is fine as long as it's performed "not in a scary way".