Jami Corrects Some Falsehoods, The Beginning of a Series

Hello dear readers! As you might know if you're on FaceBook, I have given up the games for Lent, meaning I have more computer-fooling-around time. You probably also know that I am a birth doula and I'm all about the healthy, happy births. So, combining my love of blogging with my love of birthing (especially when not the one actually pushing the baby out) I present to you a several part series... Totally Wrong Things I've Heard People Say About Birth In this series, I will take statements real-live people have said to me about the birthing process and explain why they are wrong and often ridiculous. You shouldn't read/take classes/look on the Internet because the more you see/hear the more scared you'll make yourself. I am doing this one first because it is just so very, completely and totally inaccurate. Now, you shouldn't dwell on reading all the bazillion things that can go wrong, especially the extremely rare ones, but knowing about what your body does during labor and delivery makes the process less scary. Let's look at it from a different perspective - you're going to go into a haunted house around Halloween (the fun kind, not a "real" haunted house) and I said to you, "As you go around the first corner, a man in a mask jumps out and yells. The second door on the right will fly open and a fake bat on wire will zip out. " and so on. You might still jump when you're startled or you might think the guy's mask is scary looking, but knowing what is coming makes it less scary, right? Same basic idea. Or, look at it this way - if I tell you that I'm about to smack you and you're ready for it, it's going to be a lot less traumatic than if I just walk up to you and swat you a good one, even if the force of the blow is the same. Everyone is groggy after they give birth and you'll be more groggy if you don't have any pain medication. Wow. So not true and said by an otherwise intelligent and very good nurse. Some women might feel in a bit of a fog after giving birth, but certainly not everyone, and women who do it without pain meds are whatever the opposite of groggy is. If you've never seen a woman give birth without accepting pain medication, let me tell you -what they are is sort of giddy and sometimes hyper-alert. They might be tired, relieved, hungry, but never, never groggy, not in my experience. You should schedule an induction so you get the doctor you like best. Whooo boy. Several things wrong with this. First of all, being induced doesn't guarantee your time line for your birth. My own personal experience bears that out, I went through 4 shifts of health care providers, so even if I had gone in to have the one I liked best, she'd have been loooooong gone by the time my kid popped out. Second, inductions fail; then most likely you end up in a cesarean section, which means more complications, longer recovery and higher risk to you and your baby. Third, babies induced before they are fully cooked can have higher rates of various problems. Fourth, induction generally means Pitocin - and Pitocin contractions can be a bit more intense than the ones your body does on its own. Not always, but can be. Being induced is a necessity in some cases, but you might not get the outcome you want - is it worth the risk? Besides at most hospitals you will see your doctor a few minutes every few hours. Your doctor isn't going to be hanging out in your room with you, so if you get the one you don't like as much, you're not going to see him/her much, anyway. So that's part one, we'll address some more myths and mistaken statements in the next several days, and I'd love for anyone else to contribute who has heard these prevalent fallacies.

Jami's Open Letter To Elsbeth (not her real name)

My friend, let's call her Elsbeth, has a bad back. Reeeeallly bad. Surgery followed by 6 weeks in bed bad. So I'm trying to think of ways to avoid the surgery, because that's the kind of friend I am. Dear Elsbeth (not your real name), I know you did not care for my idea of whacking your back with a hockey stick and then splinting you on all sides with more hockey sticks and duct tape. Okay, that was a little inconvenient. But last night, as I lay in bed, the answer popped into my head. Dr. Octopus's extra arm thing from Spider-Man 2! It goes right into the spine, holds it in any position that you want and it will enable you to do all the things you love but haven't been able to enjoy because of your back, like stepping over cars, stopping subway trains and throwing little old ladies off of buildings. What mother wouldn't benefit from having extra arms? Not one, I tell you. Now, you might be concerned, if you've seen the movie, about how the arms made Dr. Ock a bit evil. Well, first of, let's just admit that you're well down that path all on your own. Second, the arms only wanted to commit crime to help Dr. Ock complete that big fake sun thing. I know that you have no desire to work on that sort of science-y thing, so how could it go wrong? Would it want you to make an evil casserole? So, Elsbeth, just days before your surgery, I pull out the perfect solution. You're welcome and I know you feel lucky to have me as a friend. Regards, Jami

Jami and the 'Ade

As I mentioned yesterday, when I'm sick, I am all about the Gatorade. Or Powerade, I'm not a stickler for the brand name. I do care about flavors; citrusy are best, but I'm not opposed to blue and purple. The rest of my life, I couldn't care less if I never had another taste of it, but as soon as my belly starts churning, I'm headed to the grocery store (or sending out The Husband) for some 'Ade.

I don't know if it's psychosamatic, or if there is something in there that just works with my stomach or if there's a voodoo curse that says I can only keep Gatorade down, but if you know I've got a bug and you want to help, bring me the Gatorade, not the soup. Soup is great, don't get me wrong, but I'll be through 3 quarts of my Ade before I even try the soup. And, if you bring me Gatorade, I promise I will remember it forever. You could end up on the news, carving a swastika into a puppy while you burn down an orphange, but I'll be thinking "Yeah, but he brought me Gatorade once, so he's not all bad."

If you see me drinking Gatorade, it means one of three things:

1. I feel like I'm getting sick and I'm heading it off.

2. I've been sick and it's the only thing I can stand to look at.

3.I felt like I was getting sick and I bought a ridiculous amount of it because when I get sick I get convinced that I will never be better. Seriously, one day last week, I upchucked once... and bought 10 1-qt bottles of Powerade. Overkill? Sure. But I was prepared.

Once I start getting better, I want McDonalds chicken nuggets. Don't know why, but they are the ultimate "I think I'm better" food.

Jami is Sick of Being Sick

I have had a cold...since September. Not the same cold. I get a cold, I get better, a day or two goes by and BAM - sick again. I don't think it's allergies or the same cold coming back because it's been different. Sometimes it's a headcold. I've had a few rounds of nothing but congestion. Now, my throat is hurting. I'd even think it was psychosamatic if I had anything to gain from it. And, with my awesome imagination, I'd get myself some way cooler fake illness. I'd have my tonsils out if I thought it would help. Heck, I'd have my appendix and gall bladder out if I thought it would help. It's never been bad enough that I'm unable to do the bazillion things I need to do, so I just get more and more behind and when I feel well enough to start to catch up, I get sick again. I feel bad complaining about it, too, because 1. it's not like a serious illness and 2. I'd sound like a broken record. "Hi, how are you? Oh, sick again (eye roll), well, get better soon". People have had it worse than a continuous string of minor ailments. Anyway, I am about 3 nose blows away from going to the airport and getting on the next plane going anywhere warm, because I'm pretty sure that being frozen and having cold and/or wet feet is not helping. Sigh. Time to take the alka-seltzer, at least they make a couple of yummy flavors.

Jami Fearin' the Flu

Ah, flu season, that magical time of year when germs frolic in all sorts of places and sneezes draw the evil eye from strangers. Ordinarily, I don't give much thought to flu season. I didn't worry about the bird flu (actually, due to business concerns at that time, I was rooting for that particular flu). I have never before had a flu shot. When the H1N1 flu started up, I didn't give it more than a passing thought. But now I have a newborn and that definitely changes one's attitude. I'm not frozen in panic, refusing to leave my house or let anyone in. I'm washing our hands a bit more, paying more attention than I otherwise might to who holds the baby, that sort of thing. I got a flu shot, which I would have in any case, working in hospitals and visiting doctors offices as I will be. Since Eddie is preschool with all the germy children, he got the flu mist (easier to convince a preschooler to inhale than sit still for a shot). I requested the Husband get one for the sake of the baby. Probably he would have otherwise given it a miss. My big problem is, as it always has been, the people who are clearly ill, whether with some sort of flu or just a cold, or whatever, wandering around in public. Flu season or not, what gives you the right to share your diseases with my family? No lie - last night I was at a gathering where a woman actually said, sitting there, just a few feet from me and my newborn "So, the dr. sent me today to get a chest X-ray, you know, since I have this cough that won't go away? To see if it's pneumonia." Another person asked "and?" Pneumonia Nelly: "Oh - they won't get the results for a couple of days." Only the fact that we were in a church prevented me from yelling "Then what the hell are you doing here with all these moms with young kids???" I'm sorry, I know this woman and generally she is a nice, generous, kind person, but what are you thinking if you *might* have pneumonia and you are going to a totally unnecessary fun event?!? This wasn't her job, she wouldn't be fired if she missed. No one would have suffered any horrible consequences if she'd called the host and said "Hey, I'd love to come, but the doctor thinks I may have pneumonia, so I'm gonna have to skip tonight - sorry." In fact, in that case, I think we all would have been grateful to her. This sort of thing happens way too much. I have heard all sorts of these stupid stories the last few weeks, including one woman who brought her son, diagnosed with "possible H1N1" to the church nursery. I know that manners of all kinds have gone out the window, but for the love of all that is holy, we're talking about a virus that has killed people, could you *maybe* err on the side of caution and stay home for one freaking day? Sure, we'll miss you today, but isn't that better than us hating you tomorrow when we're suffering the fate you unkindly shared? Patrick insists that we will all, sooner or later, get the Swine Flu. I hope that he's wrong, though the cynic in me is stocking up on chicken soup, tissue and Tylenol. Of course, he's also dealing with his new realization of his own mortality, having hit a milestone recently. If you: have a fever, feel a cold coming on, cough uncontrollably, or have not been told by a real actual live doctor that you're not contagious, take a day at home. Watch daytime TV, play your new Wii game or FaceBook all day and let the rest of us spend one more day healthy. Do it for me, for all the mothers of newborns and for Patrick.

Jami as a Doctor

One field I never seriously considered for a career is medicine. I'm not very good with sick people, various bodily fluids or germs. However, yesterday I had an appointment during which I had a revelation - if I had wanted to be a doctor, this is the way I would have gone - Eye Doctor!! Think about it - my eye doctor spends most of the day doing that "which is better? 1 or 2? 3 or 4?" He probably doesn't have people run in screaming with blood or gore oozing out of various body parts. I can't imagine that he gets emergency calls at 2am. Sure, he might see someone with some excessive eye-goo, but that can't be the norm. He doesn't have to give people shots, at least not part of his usual practice. He doesn't have to put his hands in your mouth, on your feet, or in any other unpleasant area of your body. I am sure sometimes he has to give out bad news, but I'm guessing that it's extremely rare that he has to tell someone they're dying. This is a good gig. Interestingly, the last two eye doctors I've had have been left-handed. Don't know what that means, just noting it. During the standard questions portion of my exam (are you having trouble with your contacts? Increased headaches? Any blurriness, etc.) the doctor asked "Have you been seeing flashing lights, especially out of the sides of your vision, when there aren't flashing lights?" Now, I know that people don't always bring everything to the attention of their doctors, and I'm one of those people who doesn't run to make an appointment any time I sneeze, but in general, I'd have to say that if I were seeing flashing lights when there aren't any, I doubt I'd just wait until my next appointment and then not even mention it until asked. Just saying.

Jami is Getting Top Heavy

So, my center of gravity has shifted, just a bit. Enough that I occasionally start to tip faster than expected when I'm leaning forward. My expanding belly? Partially, but more than that . . I'm going to stop here for a moment to recommend that my dad (and anyone else who doesn't want to hear about my expanding bra size) go read some other page. Might I suggest the News of the Weird? Back to our story. I'd lost some weight before getting myself into this predicament and had gone down a bra size as well. The first pregnancy symptom I had was the boob pain. Followed by the fact that I wasn't fitting in the smaller bras. A friend gave me some maternity bras in the next size up that she'd bought, but had been too small for her- still had the tags. They were fantastic - for about two weeks. Then I outgrew those. The discomfort got so intense I literally got to the point I couldn't take it, and said to the Husband, "Dinner will be late. I'm going out to by a new bra. Right now." And left. I considered asking someone if I could pay for them and then wear one home. I thought about trying to change in the parking lot, but they did have video surveillance ("Tonight, on Stupidest Customers, the Briefly Topless Pregnant Lady . . . ..") Arriving home from the store, I immediately changed and I am sure you heard the sigh of relief, wherever you live. It's probably what caused that weird shift in a weather a few weeks ago, remember? Yup. Life was grand . . . Except now I am already bursting outof the top of those. I'm about to run out of the sizes they sell in stores. I'm looking at two options 1. Mail Order or 2. Hire two midgets to walk around under them and hold them up. THEN a good friend of mine informs me that they really take off once you get your milk in. If that's true, at that point, I'm going to need an engineer to design a support, and some sort of government-funded program to help me stand up. Seriously. Even my MOM was laughing at me yesterday. Sigh. I promise, from here on out, no more discussions of my boobs. Unless something really funny happens. But let's hope not.

Jami is Hunk of Burning Something

So the Husband is laughing at me right now. Why? Because in describing the heartburn I am currently experiencing, I used the word "legendary" and explained that "this is the kind of heartburn they write songs about". You know, if they wrote songs about heartburn. But honestly, it's not even heartburn, it's torso-burn. I feel it in my hips and shoulders. I have never in my life had heartburn this bad. I could power a small village. And the thing is, it's "just part of pregnancy". Do you KNOW all the "little side effects" of pregnancy? Here are the bazillion or so symptoms of pregnancy women experience some or all of:

• nausea
• heartburn
• sleeplessness
• fatigue
• cravings
• aversions (normal foods/smells making you ill)
• headaches
• cramps
• increase mucus
• congestion
• constipation
• diarrhea (yes, both)
• flatulence
• high blood pressure
• increased urination
• round ligament pain
• increased sensitivity to smells
• dry skin
• acne
• breast pain
• back pain
• ringing in ears
• water retention
• nightmares
• bloating
• That's all I can think of right now, but I'm sure there's more.

Seriously - all this and we choose to get pregnant (mostly)?? And you can't even drink when you're experiencing all of this? Of course, these symptoms only last the 40 weeks . . .

Jami Vs the Krakorian Death Virus

So, Jami, drop a bomb on us and disappear? Not my intent, believe me. Know what's worse than being sick? Being sick and pregnant. Can't fight the way I normally would. I had some sort of evil alien Death Flu and my normal weapons (NyQuil, Mike's Hard Lemonade, Extreme-hot showers, even McDonalds Double Cheeseburgers) were all off of the table. The cheeseburgers because my pregnant belly decided that all solid foods were the enemy. So I suffered and moaned and spent lots of quality time in the bathroom and my bed. I'm in recovery, thanks to Gatorade, Tylenol and relatives who kept Captain Chaos busy so I could nap and vomit in peace. I intend to get back to the blogging, once I've had an entire day of eating and not feeling weak and sick. On a much sadder note, my heart and prayers go out to my brother and sister-in-law, who are suffering a loss of a pregnancy. Those of you who are praying folk, please keep them in your prayers as they grieve. They are a model of strength and faith even in this and I know that God will bless them even in this tragedy.

Jami Fits Wii

The Wii Fit - video games meet the gym. I couldn't wait to get it out of the box, a couch potato getting jazzed about exercising? Could it be the answer to America's fatty-bo-batty problem? Well, we'll have to see about this one. Smart as the Fit is, it doesn't follow me around and slap the cookies out of my hand before they reach my mouth. Yet. If you don't know, the Fit looks like a scale without numbers, a nice white rectangle you stand on, called a balance board. You put the game in the console and your Mii (avatar) does what you do. Fit weighs you, tells you your weight, BMI and "Mii Age" which is calculated by your actual age, BMI and how well you do on a couple tests. Note: if your three-year-old grabs you from behind and yanks you off the balance board during your balance test, it will skyrocket your "Mii Age." There is yoga, which I'm assuming you've heard of. There's aerobic activities, such as jogging, step aerobics and hilariously silly Hula Hooping, which doesn't seem like it's a work out until you suddenly realize you're breathing hard and sweating. They have balance games designed to improve your chances of not falling on your face regularly and strength training which involves isometric style exercises with your own personal trainer. I chose the guy, I don't need some skinny chick telling me what to do. So today I hop on it (not literally) the second time. I run through the body check and - I haven't lost any weight! My BMI is the same! I didn't improve my Mii Age. In one whole day. Ah, I am disappointed. This is so me. What do you mean I exercised two whole days in a row and didn't even lose a pound? How could that be? Just because I ate 5 or 8 cookies and every leftover I could get my hands on? That doesn't seem right. I exercised twice!! TWICE!!! Sigh. This is pretty typical of my attitude toward new challenges. Oooh, this is fun. Why am I not better at it immediately? I WANT to be better. I practiced it yesterday. I should be a super-star by now. Don't worry, I'm not giving up. As ridiculously over-optimistic as I always am starting new things, I am also not a quitter. Heck, at my last job, they FIRED me and I still kept coming to work until the company hired me back (and subsequently went out of business, but I don't think that's my fault. Entirely.) I swam a boat race dragging my boat which had sunk because I don't quit. Sometimes, perhaps, quitting is a good thing. But not now. J-Mii (my Mii's name) is going to get skinny again (they fatten up your Mii after they weigh you!) and I will catch each one of those hoops they throw at you. I will master the skiing. I will unlock new and better yoga poses. And I'll keep you posted. Gotta go, Eddie's asleep so I can finally work on my balance.

Jami Doesn't Recommend It

I have to admit, I'm a big fan of home remedies. I'm sort of a "fight with all you got" kinda girl, so when I have a problem, I like to attack it on all fronts, with the traditional "western" medicine and whatever home remedies make some sense to me. Example, the rubbing Vicks on your feet - no, that doesn't make sense. I can't smell it from there and all it's going to do is relax my feet. When I have a cold, I hit with the Zi-Cam, then whatever cold medicine I have around; steam, Vicks, rest, hydrogen peroxide, heat pads, and as I mentioned here - McDonalds double cheeseburger and Mike's Hard Lemonade. Therefore, I'm always listening for new home remedies to try. In a store yesterday, I am busily scanning things and minding my own business when a nearby woman has a coughing fit, that cold that's going around now. Her friend says "Oh, you gotta try this, my sister-in-law just told me about and swears by it." I perk up my ears (figuratively), prepared to commit it to memory. Brace yourself, because this one is a doozy. "Okay, so you get three Halls, just the regular ones. You put them in a mug and pour a can of Dr. Pepper over them so that it starts to melt them. Then you put it in the microwave until the Halls are all melted and the pop is hot and you drink it as fast as you can. She swears it totally cures any cold." And your appetite, I'm guessing. Cured mine just hearing it. That can NOT be good. While I am sure that the Halls already melted is good and warm liquids always help a cold, but I'm going to take a pass on that one. Did my McDonald's cure last week - works every time. I'll stick with that.

Jami Weighs In

Howdy folks, my apologies for being gone a week. The next couple are going to be busy ones indeed, so we might be missing each other more often than I'd like. Anyway . . . EDW's post here about her weight reminded me that I've often thought about posting about my own. The truth is, I don't know what I weigh. I have a general idea, but when I did weigh myself, I got obsessed with the number, not the health. I soared or crashed over tenths of a pound, sometimes getting on the scale several times a day. Not a good thing. I get on the scale once a year, at the doctor's office. I have not had a lifelong struggle with weight that others have, or at least not the same way. See, until I was 18, I was the skinny girl. Really skinny. Even, I have to say looking at some of the pictures, unhealthy looking, though I wasn't doing anything to keep the weight off - just fast metabolism. I ate, and ate and ate and ate, mostly the bad stuff. Almost no veggies, especially none of the green ones. Carbs like crazy and soda until I fizzed. And still, when I graduated high school, I weighed 108 pounds, and stood 5'7". And I hated the way I looked. Yes, I know that every teen is insecure about their bodies, and maybe I'd have felt that way even with the body of any current teen popstar, but I've never forgotten how I felt looking at all the other girls, filling out and looking more feminine, even the heavy ones, while I retained the same figure I'd had at 8. I couldn't feel beautiful in any dress, with no cleavage and no curves. Fat girls might be fat,but at least you can tell they're girls. I'd put on a bathing suit and think, "this might as well be wrapped around a stick." I am sure that if you were the fat girl in school, you find it hard to believe that it was painful to be the skinny girl. That while you were eating that Twinky to feel better, so was I. I got teased, too, and it hurt as much. I tried on clothes and cried, too. I looked at the cheerleaders and hated them, too. About halfway between 18 and 19, my metabolism, probably tired after 18 years of going double-speed, all but ground to a halt. I filled out, then got fat. Several things combined to make this happen: 1. At first, I loved that I was gaining weight and I definitely wasn't going to stop the process that was finally making me feel hot. 2. I love to eat. 3. I hate to exercise. 4. I was in college and the cafeteria offered a variety of tasty starch/grease/fat filled foods. And I saw one of the special ed kids put his licked finger back into every contain in the salad bar, so that was out, forever. 5. I am a comfort-eater and it was my first year of school. So, before I knew it, I'd passed up "hot", gone to "jiggly", then "chunky" then Moo. But here's the thing, while I had the odd moment of "oh man, I'm fat", mostly I felt pretty good. I am certain that a good part if that can be attributed to my maturing and growing into myself. There were times I tried to drop some weight, but always for the wrong reasons and often the wrong way. It never "took" because my heart wasn't in it. I didn't want to be that skinny girl again. I hated her body and I love this one. Now I've dropped two pants sizes and feel pretty good about it. I have done it not because I want to be skinny, but because I want to be in good health for my family. I have been eating a little smarter and exercising more. I'm never going to be that skinny girl again, but I'm getting back to super-smoking hot. I mean, I'm already adorable, a few more pounds off and I'll be unstoppable. Interestingly, the Husband met me when I looked like the stick and proposed when I jiggled all over - he claims to think I'm hot no matter what. And that's what's important to me.

Jami Doesn't Do That

There are many, many, many things that people do that I don't understand. I'm never going to understand humans on the whole, you know? Too much out there that is way beyond my comprehension, on many levels. But one that never fails to confound me is how people have "one night stands" or "hook up" with strangers. Ick!! You don't know where (or who) that person has been (with). I can not understand getting nekkid in front of a stranger. I've had the same doctor for 10 years and I still use the nice paper outfit for her. And rubbing your private bits on someone else's who you don't even know their last name?? I don't even like shaking hands with strangers. The people who just meet you and hug make me shudder. Yet after a few drinks worth of chat you want to get as close to someone else as humanly possible with as much of your bodies can touch? Ewwwww. No. Just saying.

Jami the Fast Food Pusher

Yes, I know that it's not good for you. I know that it's full of fat and salt and sugar. But, I am telling you this as a fact - McDonald's food cures a variety of ailments. It's just true. Here's the thing. When I have a cold, or feel one coming on. I use my 5 point plan of defeating the cold:

1. Zicam
2. Steamy showers
3. Rest
4. Cold medicine
5. Double-cheeseburger and an alcoholic beverage for dinner.

Works every time. If I do this for one day, I will be noticeably better the next. Ask the Husband, it's the truth.

Last week, I realized that when I have a stomach ailment that, if I get an order of McNuggets (and fries if I haven't eaten in more than about 18 hours) as soon as the idea of food doesn't make me nauseous, even if I still feel bad, the nuggets fix the problem as I digest. It's just true. It's one more reason I don't want to get pregnant. If I have morning sickness I'll have to eat nuggets every day and have the first baby born with high cholesterol and a desire to dunk his breast milk.

Now, I didn't see Supersize Me, and don't really have the desire to. I don't see how it can be news that if you eat at Mickey-D's thrice daily you will get fat. But, having not seen it, I will venture a guess - that the entire time he was on the all-Mac diet, he didn't have a cold or the flu. Right? Of course not. He was eating the Magic Common Ailment Cure foods daily. Fat, but not ill. Oh, and one of my friends told me that nothing cures a hangover faster than a Quarter Pounder with Cheese and a Coke.

I'm guessing that they can't advertise this fact because it will spill the beans that they are putting some sort of magic addictive deliciousness drugs in the food.

Jami Has an ADD Post

I mentioned yesterday that my poor brain is tired. This makes focusing even more of a challenge for us ADD folks. So here's what's rattlin' around the old bean. Why did macaroni and cheese make such a big hit, when shells and cheese is clearly superior? Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally in love with mac and cheese in all its many delicious forms, but shells are obviously better suited to holding cheese. Were the shells invented after the macaroni variety took off? I just wonder. I wonder what happened before people settled on “left” and “right”. I mean, the cavemen must have had to give each other directions to each other, perhaps to where they had felled the mammoth for dinner that night. So if they didn’t have formalized directions, it must have been much harder. Maybe this is why the modern man still doesn’t want to ask for directions; it’s ingrained in him since prehistoric times that it just won’t help. Why isn’t the spork more popular? It seems it would make place settings easier. I don’t have enough experience with them to know if there are ways that a fork and spoon separately are superior. How can homeless people afford to smoke? Even if they are always bumming cigarettes off of other people, how did they get started? If you can’t afford a home and food, I can’t imagine blowing $5 on a pack of cigs when you could get actual food or at least some alcohol for that much. Alcohol might not be any better for you, but at least it can make you feel better about not having a home. Drinking I get, smoking – no. When will they invent the soda can that can be resealed by the consumer? Why does pop taste better from cans? Is it absorbing the metal? Am I going to die from heavy metal poisoning? The bad kind, not the Metallica kind. I really like mints and of course I enjoy chocolate, but I no longer like them together. I used to love those Thin Mints, but now I’d rather not even have a cookie, and that’s saying a lot. Okay, I love you, Bye-bye (100 points if you get the cartoon reference)

Jami Versus Sinus Pain

Sigh, so all last week, we're crazy-busy, plus Eddie and the Husband had colds. Which basically meant, nothing except the bare minimum got done. We all have clean socks and undies and we're eating off of clean plates. But that's about it. Therefore, when my mom offered to take Eddie for a few hours while the Husband works, I saw a Golden Opportunity - a chance to clean the house without interruption and/or a toddler clinging to me screaming about wanting to "help". Of course, I woke up with apparently 50 pounds of fluid in my sinuses. I'm totally fine, as long as I move slowly and don't tilt my head forward. Ever try to clean your house without looking down? It's darned difficult. The pattern has been - work for 20 minutes or so at super-snail pace, until the pounding in my end gets to the "my eyes are about to pop out" level, then laying down with a hot compress on my head (this is the phase I'm in now - blogging on my back). The Husband, after watching this for the few minutes before he left, finally asked "What are you doing?" Emptying the dishwasher without leaning forward was a challenge and apparently looked bizarre. He ordered me to the couch, but I have to admit that not taking this chance to get something done is almost as unpleasant as the construction going on in my brain. So here I go again, to inch my way to scrub the bathroom. I may have to skip the toilet, I can't envision how one cleans that without leaning forward.

Jami's Organic Confusion

I'm going to start out by saying that I'm not into the organic movement. I have to say I am just not convinced. Don't get me wrong, Organic Folks, I'm not saying that you're wrong. I'm just not thoroughly convinced that you're right. Also, this isn't going to be the forum to debate that. I've heard your arguments, I just want to wait and see. First off, the idea that just because something is 'organic' or all-natural that it must be better than not organic doesn't ring true to me. The following is a list of things that are totally all natural and organic and from the earth that I strongly suggest you don't eat:

• poison ivy
• elephant dung
• fugu (fish that if prepared incorrectly can kill you)
• live bees
• whale puke
• opium

These things are not organic, but still all natural, and also not good:

• arsenic
• plutonium
• cyanide

So, we can see that plenty of things that are natural are not healthy. In fact, I'd be willing to make the argument that something totally non-organic, say, my beloved Diet Coke is better for you than the things on this list, possibly excepting the bees, which may be painful, but also might be nutritious; I couldn't find info on that.

Secondly, organic is a pretty loose term. In dictionary terms, organic means basically, something that comes from living things. It is my understanding, from watching the news recently, that the term "organic" on foods and especially on other things (shampoos, household cleaners, etc.) are not closely monitored, so it's sort of a crap shoot if the organic whatever is actually organic. Case in point, I've been looking at the snacks in the organic aisle and I'm disturbed by the organic microwave popcorn, all of which have "artificial butter flavor". How can it be organic with artificial butter flavor? Is there an Artificial Butter Flavor plant I don't know about?

Third, I like my produce to look appetizing and I don't like paying for bad spots. I'm poor and I can't afford to pay more for food I can eat less of.

Fourth, on the all natural front, everything comes from the earth. No matter how processed it's been, and that you can argue (but we won't), there is nothing I'm aware of that is currently being made from materials foreign to our world. Whatever it is, it started as something natural.

Last, this isn't an argument, but it really made me wonder. There are currently "Certified Organic" cotton balls. Unless I misunderstand the proper use of cotton balls, you don't eat them or have them in contact with your skin for a long period of time. I'm not sure why I would care if my cotton balls have inorganic materials in them. Basically, I grab one, wipe something and then pitch them. Maybe I'm being shortsighted, but I don't need to pay more to be sure they are totally organic.

So, there you go. I buy organics when it's cost-effective and tasty. I buy totally non-organic cleaners because I hate germs. I buy whatever shampoo/conditioner, deodorant and cosmetics are least expensive. Yes, I know you can tell, ha ha. And that's all I have to say about that.

Jami's Menu Planning

I don't make resolutions for New Years, but if I did, eating better would have been one of them. I always intend to eat healthy, but when I'm not looking my hands prepare fried, fatty (delicious) foods and shove them in my mouth. And I love cheese. If you say you don't love cheese you're either a liar or a complete lunatic. Cheese is great. Anyway, last night at dinner preparation time, I found myself in the kitchen contemplating the nice, healthy chicken I'd planned to cook, with some rice and veggies. But I didn't want the chicken. I wanted cheese. I needed, for hormonal reasons, salt and dairy. Need is too light a word, these certain hormonal times. It's more like a crazed person screaming inside my head "GET US SALT NOW!! GET CHEESE! GET MILK! PUT SALT ON THE CHEESE IF YOU HAVE TO!" So the Husband evinced only mild surprise when I emerged from the kitchen with our dinner - hot dogs, hot pretzels, chips and a nice bowl of melted nacho cheese for each of us (meaning him and me, Eddie ate a hot dog, green beans and noodles, because I apparently care about his nutrition). I looked the Husband in the eye and said "Pretzels are like bread and the chips are made from corn - it's a balanced meal." The Husband, who both enjoys cheese and knows better than to argue with me when I'm in Insane Hormonal Mode, nodded. "I have no problem with that." You see why I love him. I figured, we can eat the chicken tomorrow and I might not be any healthier, but I definitely felt happier. Cheese can do that.

Jami Wonders Why You Lie

Okay, maybe not you personally, but then again maybe. I say this because a couple weeks ago I had a dentist appointment. When the hygienist asked me if I'd been flossing, for the first time ever I said "yes!" It's the first time, because every other time, I've either just given the bland "no" or the pathetic but true "I did it for a few days, but I hate it so much I stopped." That's why I got annoyed when she later said "Okay, but remember you really do have to floss." She wasn't my usual, so I'll forgive her. Of course, later I realized that she didn't necessarily think that I, personally, am a liar, but that patients probably lie to her all day long, every day. I read a couple years ago, an article about how researchers estimate that 76% of patients lie to their doctors (not necessarily dentists) at every visit. What is wrong with you people? There are a couple articles on line about how doctors know what patients lie, but of course, they can't always know when or who or what you are lying about. I just don't get the point of lying to your doctor, and here's why: 1. You see your doctor, what, twice a year - maybe? What do you care if he/she thinks you drink too much or smoke too much or eat too much bacon? Your doctor most likely doesn't think about you past the end of the day of your visit; I sincerely doubt that they go home and tell their spouses what a horrible person you are. 2. The obvious - your doctor is trying to help you, and if you lie to him/her, you are just asking for a life-threatening error or misdiagnosis. 3. If you are so ashamed to be doing something that you can't even admit it to someone who is NOT ALLOWED LEGALLY to tell anyone else what you're doing and has seen you naked and will see you naked again, then you shouldn't be doing it. When I hear about people lying to their doctors, I wonder what my doctor must think of me. When she says "Do you exercise?" I say "Oh, I regularly start exercising, do really well for a few weeks and then find an excuse to slowly stop it all together. When she says "Do you drink alcohol?" I tell her "Every few months I usually have some sort of night out where I have a few more than I probably should." When she asks "Do you watch what you eat?" I say "In the sense that I see it before it goes into my mouth, yes. . . ." So, if doctors assume you are worse than you admit, she must think it's a miracle I'm still standing. I get that some people see doctors as some sort of authority figure and get some sort of rush from either "getting away with it" or from pleasing the doctor, even if it's a lie. If you're one of the former, you're just getting away with it until the lie kills you. The latter, your doctor doesn't give out gold stars and he's not going to go home and tell his wife and kids what a peach you are, so knock it off. That's my PSA for the day. And by the way, YAY STEELERS!!!!

Jami Ages Gracefully

Sigh, it's the day before my birthday. Don't get me wrong. I looooove my birthday. This past weekend was the social event of the season - Jami's Fifth Annual 29th Birthday Picnic. However, as much as I love my birthday and try to be sure that everyone is aware that TOMORROW IS MY BIRTHDAY, I also have recently realized that I am, actually, old. I know, I look young and hot and you can't believe that I'd think, even for a moment, that I'm old, but here's how I know I've crossed the line: dental routine. That's right, I have a 5-step night-time ritual for teeth care; it's a dead giveaway. See, the younger you are, the less interest you have in tooth care. Let's say you're 10. You brush your teeth in the morning, because you'll do anything to delay going to school; at night, if your mother reminds you several times, you'll stick a wet toothbrush in your mouth, move it around for approximately 10 seconds and put it away. Then, by college, you're probably into brushing regularly without being prompted. Having had 3 different roommates and plenty of close friends I stayed over with, I'd have to say that I don't recall anyone flossing or using special rinses. The exception was Babs on my dorm floor who rinsed with salt water because she was prone to really bad mouth ulcers. There were still nights that you went without brushing, even, because you were tired or intoxicated or pulling an all-nighter and you slept sitting up but with your head down on the book. Now, here I am at 32 years and 364 days old, and I floss, then brush, then use the Listerine, then rinse with water, then swish the Act. I feel guilt if I skip even one of those steps. If I'm too tired (or intoxicated, some things never change) to do one, I promise myself that I'll do it in the morning, and I do. Sigh. And now, I'll graciously accept all birthday wishes.