Jami Cries It Out

I have an 18-month old who still gets up once in the middle of the night, and gets nursed and rocked back to sleep. My older son was rocked to sleep until he was almost 20 months old, and then again when he moved to the bed at age 3 - more rocking to sleep. If I mention these facts to people, I am often advised about the idea of "crying it out" or "Ferberizing" (which by the way, is a bit bastardized from what Dr. Ferber intended) and, as politely as possible, I change the subject. Because I hate the idea of babies left to cry.

I'm blogging about this today because yesterday I heard a most profound assessment of the idea on a very unlikely place - Law and Order: UK. I love the L&Os and while I can't watch SVU after having children, the rest are quality watching. The BBC's one is especially fun because it recycles old original episodes, but tweaks them. Good fun. Anyhow, several of the police officers were discussing the merits of crying it out. One said that it teaches babies to sleep on their own, and another replied that it merely teaches them that Mommy and Daddy aren't coming no matter how hard they cry, and that crying is their only way to communicate (which is true, but not the profound part). Then he said to another officer: "I wouldn't leave you in a room alone if I saw you crying." And BINGO - that is exactly what I had been trying to get across to people. It's simple compassion. I hope that if I were sitting alone crying and you could hear me from the next room, you would at least pop your head in and ask what's wrong. You might even come sit next to me and put your hand on my shoulder or arm. If I said, "I'm just lonely and I don't want to be alone right now" wouldn't you stay with me? If a baby is crying in his crib in the middle of the night, in the dark and without the capability to understand that you are just in the next room, how can you say "Oh, just let him cry until he's so exhausted he falls asleep" and not realize you are doing the same thing?

I'm not saying that I instant scoop the baby up when he makes the faintest noise, in fact, when he cries at night, I listen for a few minutes to see if he is going back to sleep, which he sometimes does. Then, if he isn't going to sleep, I get up, use the bathroom and usually get a drink of water before I get him, because I'll need both of those if I'm going to nurse and rock him.

When Eddie was old enough to understand what I was saying, I started using the Five Minute Method, which worked very well for him and, in my opinion, reinforced the idea that he was not going to be abandoned to cry it out alone, no matter what. There is plenty of debate about crying it out and a ton of research supporting both sides, really. I would say that IMO, the research shows that "normal" cry it out babies (not the ones who are allowed to cry for hours, unattended, regularly) have no long term damage, however I also think that the studies so that it is a very stressful and generally unnecessary event. I believe that most parents want to do what is best for their child, to the best of their ability. I imagine that most babies who have been through crying it out are just fine. But that doesn't mean it's right for our family.