Jami Corrects Some Falsehoods, Part II

Okay, meant to get back to this sooner, but here are a few more not-quite-true things I have heard at births, and one another doula recently heard and related to me. Your digestive system stops when your contractions start - that's why you can't have anything by mouth. Wow. Where to start on this one. 1. Your body can and does digest food while you are in labor. This is why women may poo while delivering, because their body has been processing whatever is in there. It's why they get hungry. Now, it IS true that plenty of laboring women puke at some point during labor, so it's wise to consider that when making food choices (such as: chicken soup = good, spicy loaded nachos = maybe not so much). 2. The reason most hospitals won't let you have anything by mouth is for the chance that you might have to have a cesarean section and if you do, it might be so bad that you have to be put under general anesthesia and you might in that circumstance vomit while under and you might in that case aspirate some of the vomit. Also, one nurse told me candidly "We don't want to worry about women throwing up, it's gross." The sad thing is your body is doing hard work and just like you wouldn't run a race without fueling properly, you shouldn't ignore the signals you are getting to feed yourself when you are doing that sort of work. You have to have an IV to give birth - you might need fluids. Oh yes. this came from a woman who has had children and was shocked to hear that some women don't want an IV in. I personally have no problem with hospital using a heparin lock if it means they feel better about it, but you know what - lots and lots and lots of women have had healthy babies without an IV attached to them. Turns out if you need fluids, you can actually correct that situation by drinking some water, juice or even Gatorade - actually most fluids will work. Your body can only get so far on its own and then you need Pitocin to finish it. This is the one I got secondhand, but had to mention it. Good grief people, really?? Do you think the billions of people born in this word before the invention of pitocin or in places where it's not available are imaginary? Sigh. I can't even go on for this one. And finally a qualified half-truth: Epidurals make the birth go faster. Well - they can. Or they can slow you down and even stop your labor. In the past 2 weeks, I've been to 2 births without epidurals. Both labors were less than 12 hours total and both pushed for less than 20 minutes. Healthy babies, healthy mamas. I was at a birth with an epidural (not mine) which lasted more than 12 hours after the epidural, which came more than 12 hours into the birth and there were several hours of pushing. I've seen women without epidurals push over an hour, I've seen women with epidurals push 20 minutes. Epidurals aren't bad or good. They are a tool and used properly can greatly improve a situation; misused can cause some problems. Might do some more another time, hope you feel better educated!

Jami Corrects Some Falsehoods, The Beginning of a Series

Hello dear readers! As you might know if you're on FaceBook, I have given up the games for Lent, meaning I have more computer-fooling-around time. You probably also know that I am a birth doula and I'm all about the healthy, happy births. So, combining my love of blogging with my love of birthing (especially when not the one actually pushing the baby out) I present to you a several part series... Totally Wrong Things I've Heard People Say About Birth In this series, I will take statements real-live people have said to me about the birthing process and explain why they are wrong and often ridiculous. You shouldn't read/take classes/look on the Internet because the more you see/hear the more scared you'll make yourself. I am doing this one first because it is just so very, completely and totally inaccurate. Now, you shouldn't dwell on reading all the bazillion things that can go wrong, especially the extremely rare ones, but knowing about what your body does during labor and delivery makes the process less scary. Let's look at it from a different perspective - you're going to go into a haunted house around Halloween (the fun kind, not a "real" haunted house) and I said to you, "As you go around the first corner, a man in a mask jumps out and yells. The second door on the right will fly open and a fake bat on wire will zip out. " and so on. You might still jump when you're startled or you might think the guy's mask is scary looking, but knowing what is coming makes it less scary, right? Same basic idea. Or, look at it this way - if I tell you that I'm about to smack you and you're ready for it, it's going to be a lot less traumatic than if I just walk up to you and swat you a good one, even if the force of the blow is the same. Everyone is groggy after they give birth and you'll be more groggy if you don't have any pain medication. Wow. So not true and said by an otherwise intelligent and very good nurse. Some women might feel in a bit of a fog after giving birth, but certainly not everyone, and women who do it without pain meds are whatever the opposite of groggy is. If you've never seen a woman give birth without accepting pain medication, let me tell you -what they are is sort of giddy and sometimes hyper-alert. They might be tired, relieved, hungry, but never, never groggy, not in my experience. You should schedule an induction so you get the doctor you like best. Whooo boy. Several things wrong with this. First of all, being induced doesn't guarantee your time line for your birth. My own personal experience bears that out, I went through 4 shifts of health care providers, so even if I had gone in to have the one I liked best, she'd have been loooooong gone by the time my kid popped out. Second, inductions fail; then most likely you end up in a cesarean section, which means more complications, longer recovery and higher risk to you and your baby. Third, babies induced before they are fully cooked can have higher rates of various problems. Fourth, induction generally means Pitocin - and Pitocin contractions can be a bit more intense than the ones your body does on its own. Not always, but can be. Being induced is a necessity in some cases, but you might not get the outcome you want - is it worth the risk? Besides at most hospitals you will see your doctor a few minutes every few hours. Your doctor isn't going to be hanging out in your room with you, so if you get the one you don't like as much, you're not going to see him/her much, anyway. So that's part one, we'll address some more myths and mistaken statements in the next several days, and I'd love for anyone else to contribute who has heard these prevalent fallacies.

Jami Donates Some Advice

I won't try to take credit for being the world's most generous person. I give when I can, and to things that I care about or believe in. I donate when there are various drives, like when the mail carriers are collecting canned goods or whatever. I give clothes and various household things to the VVA and I freecycle, which is sort of like donating, but not tax deductible. Anyway, I make this point because one thing that really shreds my cheese is what I call Fake Donating. Fake Donating is giving something that is unusable. I don't know if people do it to look good or convince themselves that they've done good but it's just wrong. Every year my MOPS group has a giant flea market. People donate stuff and we sell it. We usually get tons of donations, for which we are immensely grateful. But the Fake Donations make me crazy. Last year during sorting, I saw a toy truck with no wheels. Look, that's garbage. Even people on a limited income aren't going to buy their kid a plastic truck with no wheels. Stuff that's missing parts, clothes that are seriously stained or torn, broken items - that's really and truly junk, not junk sale junque. So, instead of being a useful donation, it's one more thing that we had to sort and then throw away for you. It's anti-helpful. The Husband's business had a food drive for Thanksgiving. They asked customers to donate Thanksgiving type non-perishables, that would be given to a local ministry where people know they can come and get complete fixings for their holiday meal. Now, I know that we all give the food we don't like to food banks, and honestly, I don't have a problem with that. I hate green beans and I'll gladly donate a few cans. Other people like green beans. They enjoy eating them. Green beans are food. But, for this particular drive people donated several bags of expired foods. That's wrong. They might still be okay to eat, and yes, beggars can't be choosers, but that means they don't get to choose the brands or whatever, not that they get to choose whether or not to try something that might give them severe abdominal pain, okay? I won't even mention that some of the things donated were not really Thanksgiving-y, because hey - if you need food, you need food and just because peanut butter isn't a traditional Thanksgiving treat, it's probably more useful to the family than a box of stuffing mix, but jelly that expired 3 months ago - FAIL. You're not being generous - you're offloading stuff you should have used or thrown away. If you think it's probably still okay to eat, buy a new one for donating and eat the expired one yourself. When I taught Sunday School, my classroom was a constant receptacle for large unwanted crap. Broken TVs, odd lamps, clocks with no batteries - why do you think the church in general or youth groups in specific want these? Boxes of old magazines are great for crafts... if they are asked for. But piles of your subscriptions for the last 10 years are not helpful. So please, donate. Donate what you can to the causes you think deserve it. Give a can of green beans to someone other than me. But don't just rain your trash on charities; use a little discrimination. Fake Donating is really taking from those charities, because they waste time, energy and even money on getting rid of your "donations". Thank you.

Jami's Guide to Courtroom Fashion

After watching several recent episodes of Judge Judy and the People's Court, just let me suggest a few fashion tips for if you need to go to court. For the ladies: 1. Leggings and thigh-high boots might seem okay since you get to stand behind the podium most of the time, but they're not. 2. Micro mini-skirts don't make you look like a respectable person. Also if you are older than 20 or heavier than a size 20, you shouldn't wear them outside your own house; wear them in court and it basically is lying by clothing. 3. If you're trying to explain how poor you are, wear earrings smaller than your head and try to keep the jewelry, fake or not, to less than Little Richard would find garish. For the gentlemen: 1. Just because it's clean doesn't mean a T shirt is okay for court. It should also not have tears, holes, old stains, naked ladies, cuss words or frayed strings on it. A button-down shirt may be hard to locate, but give it a shot for court. 2. Ties are optional, but wear them with a collared shirt if you are going to wear them. 3. Don't wear shorts. Come on. This should be a gimme. 4. Sandals on guys are never for indoors. And rarely look good outdoors, either. For everyone: 1. Unless the case involves injuries to these parts, the following body parts should not be on display in court: Shoulders, belly buttons, small of the back (even if you have a really rad tramp stamp), anything a bathing suit should cover, arm pits and the middle of your chest. 2. Don't wear anything you cut the sleeves or legs off of yourself. 3. You think wearing sunglasses in court makes you look cool, but you are mistaken. 4. If you are wearing something with feathers, it's probably wrong. Special shout-out to the guy who was workin' the pinstriped tux on the People's Court. Totally fly, but dude, even though it's televised, it's still small claims court, not the prom.

Jami Will Eat as She Pleases.

Maybe this doesn't happen to anyone else, but I swear I get these odd times when something happens to me several times in a relatively short period, as though the universe or PTB or whatever is trying to draw my attention to it. And so it has happened again... This is a society of people with widely varied eating habits, beliefs, needs and diets. And this is fine. Really. It's okay. You can eat all meat or no meat or nothing but mangoes picked by albino monkeys on Tuesdays for all I care. I mean, if you're eating something particularly gross, I'd prefer you not do it in front of me while I am also eating, but in general, knock yourself out. And please, let me do the same. If you have some good facts, I don't mind if you share - in a polite way, please. Like, "If you're a vegan, you should probably know that Jello contains animal products." Helpful. "That cheeseburger you're eating is the result of an innocent animal being tortured and murdered, and it's full of transglumerides, which is why you are fat." Not helpful. Here's the thing: in general, if it tastes good and isn't squirming with bacteria, I probably don't care. If you want to abstain from the Murder Burger, enjoy your organic, lactose-free, taste-free, energy-efficiently roasted soybean seeds and let me get my burger on. I have dined with vegans, vegetarians, people on Atkins, Weight Watchers, people with allergies of all kids, folks with religious restrictions, and the finickiest of all finicky eaters, my own self included and I just think we should all get along. The only time someone's food choice made me ill is when it's served with a side of Food Nazi Arrogance. It might work for you, but here's a news flash: I'm not you. I am a totally independent and intelligent woman and I want the heated brownie with ice cream, I'm going to get it. I know I'm fat, I'm sorry the cow feels disrespected because we take her milk and I am aware that cold and hot foods taken together is hard on the qi, but I have made my decision and you're not going to change it. Thanks so much.

Jami Says, "Stop Finishing My . . ."

Sandwiches! (anyone get the pop culture reference?) While Ugly Betty may not want to use her blog to vent about petty frustrations, I use it for that among other things. Today's topic, Sentence Enders. In annoying conversation participants, they edge out (but just barely) the people that mouth the words you are saying. Sentence Enders are those people who insist in joining you for the last few words of each sentence, as though it's the chorus to a song. I find this so obnoxious that I often fantasize about adding "Gorilla, peanut butter, head lice!!" to the end of my thoughts. Look, I know that there are times when the end of the sentence is obvious. That doesn't constitute an invitation for a group sing-a-long. You wait for your turn and say whatever you want. We're not bonding; you're causing me to consider faking a sudden laryngitis onset so I can end our conversation, even if I like you. Thank you.

Jami and the "Controversial" Ad

Ah the SuperBowl. Several hours of new commercials interrupted by occasional football. Sorry, Peyton, I was rooting for you, but it wasn't your year, at least you already have a ring. As we watched the show at home eating the entire batch of dip I'd made for the party that was cancelled due to Pittsburgh freezing over, we saw the ad for Focus on the Family staring the Tebows. Growing up, I didn't like Focus on the Family, or their founder Dr. James Dobson, in part because he encouraged my parents to be responsible and stricter than I wanted. Bad Dobson! I have come around to a grudging respect for the man, since, with the teen years behind me, I can admit that perhaps it's not a bad thing to know who your kids are dating and where they are after school. However, this is not about my personal feelings about the good Doctor or his organization. I have to admit, I was confused when the Husband told me there had been a bunch of controversy and even some attempts to keep this ad off the air. Why? A mom talking about how she almost lost her baby and that she still worries about him even though he's a big football player? I mean, didn't the Campbell's soup ads have almost the same message, but for soup? So I look online and discover that he's indeed correct, people tried to get CBS to ban this ad without even seeing it because it might have a strong pro-life message. And today commentaries about how inappropriate "this kind of ad" are for the SuperBowl! You have got to be kidding me! I find that not only ridiculous, but a little scary. Here's why: Yes, Mrs. Tebow mentions that he is her "miracle baby" but for all I knew before all the hub-bub, that could mean she thought she was infertile or she had a difficult pregnancy or she had lost several babies before him or he was really premature or any other number of things. I thought the ad was for Focus on the Family, an organization that does WAY more than pro-life stuff, and yes, they are conservative and Christian, but as far as I know, it is still legal to be both in this country, even to talk about on TV. Focus on the Family paid for the time, so as along as they stayed within FCC guidelines and whatever extra rules CBS might have set, they can say whatever the heck they want. You don't like it? Don't listen, or send them a letter or buy your own time to show an opposing opinion. That's they way our society works. I feel the same way about the obnoxiously stupid and bordering on disgusting ads for a certain web domain provider I choose not to provide additional advertising for by mentioning their name One opinion column I read suggested that "Years from now, as we sit through SuperBowls stuffed with ad after preachy, chastising ad, we might just long for simpler times of burping frogs." Really?? You think that having ONE ad for ONE organization is going to lead to that? Also, I'd be hard pressed to call that ad "preachy" or "chastising". Most opinion style groups aren't going to have the cash for a SuperBowl ad, and we all know that if the ads get boring, technology provides us ways to ignore them, along with talking to the other folks at the SuperBowl party, bar or family gathering. I read here that the president of NOW slammed the ad because it glorified violence against women. I find this laughable, considering all the other things other ads glorify. Did ANYONE watch that commercial and say "Hey, if Timmy Tebow thinks it's cool to tackle his mom, I'm gonna go beat up a woman right now!" If you did, please know that Timmy also thinks it's cool to get a vasectomy and turn yourself in to the police. To the people who claim that the point of the ad was "Don't get an abortion because your kid might end up being a Heisman trophy winner" I say ask Mrs. Tebow if she'd still be as happy with her son if he were a 90 lb nerd who is only a champion in the World of Warcraft. I bet she would, but then no one would have asked her to do the ad. Look folks, whether or not you want to acknowledge it, every commercial on TV is designed to influence your thinking. No matter if it's for buying a certain brand of beer, visiting a website, eating at a restaurant or purchasing a particularly delicious brand of triangle-shaped nacho-flavored chips, every ad you see is made to encourage you to some type of action. If you really believe this ad is inappropriate, ask yourself why? Because a mom loves her son and says so on TV? Or because it's sponsored by a group you disagree with? Nothing should be banned on the public airways just because some people don't like it. I would say the same thing about MoveOn.org, the Boy Scouts, or Family Guy. To say that an ad with the tagline of "celebrate families, celebrate life" is somehow worse than the ads that glorify alcohol or avarice is hypocrisy to say the least. The fact that this is even a discussion worries me. Having seen the air-able versions of the other controversial ad, I can see why there was some debate about one that may have gone further. Not because I agree or disagree with it, but if I ran a station, I'd be wary of approaching the FCC's lines. But watch the Tebow commercial, really watch it and then tell me - what in there is objectionable enough that it should be pulled?

Jami, a Feminist? Part 1 - What's in a Name?

You know how sometimes a certain topic seems to become a theme in your life? Feminism is one of those things that seems to pop up with some regularity and often in unexpected places. It's a term that I think has gotten so over-used and twisted that I really started to hate it. So let me just take a quick moment to explain my personal POV on this: Feminism, in its original form, was about bring women to equal status with men in regards to rights and employment. And I am totally down with that. Everything over, above and beyond that is often doing our gender more harm than good, in my personal and not-at-all-humble opinion. Believe me, I've put thought into this. So let's start with . . . Maiden Names/Married Names and the whole Miss-Mrs.-Ms thing. First, allow me to clarify that what you do with your name is your business and I personally don't give a toot in a windstorm. Call yourself The High Holiness Hoopmadingle if it tickles you. Go with an unpronounceable symbol, Artist Once Again Known As Prince. Have one name, Cher or four (like me!). Don't care. I like my maiden name. It's pronounceable, spellable, middle of the alphabet (so I never had to be first or last when we went that way in school - the design of my W-maiden-named mom). In my high school/college years, I pondered the implications of changing it when I married. How could I leave "me" behind to be someone else? I like me. I think family is important - how will others know I am so-and-so's daughter or sister if my last name is different? I am a (blank) and always will be. Oh sure, I doodled my potential married name in notebooks when I had a crush "Mrs. Jami Lynn Boy-of-the-Week" but that's not really serious. At a friend's wedding, I overheard another guest loudly declaring how "proud" she was that the bride planned to keep her maiden name. She talked about what a shame it is that "so many women today who you think 'get it' just give up their identities when they get married". I didn't chime in, though by that point I was married and had indeed chosen to take the Husband's last name. Lose my identity? Am I no longer me because the last part of my name has changed? If your sense of who you are rests on your surname, how sure of yourself are you? She went on about how women just changed their names out of a "knee-jerk reaction to our society's expectations". The more I listened to her, the more I assumed she didn't change her name out of pure knee-jerk not-really-feminism. Where was her thought behind it? She offered no reasoning behind her ideas, just that it was bad. It makes sense to me for women who are well known in their profession to keep their maiden names in the business world. I worked with a woman who was Ms X at the office and Mrs. Y in her personal life. Worked fine for her and her husband. But, as I thought about it, talked to others about it and looked ahead into the I hoped to have, the decision to add my Husband's last name to the end of my own seemed easy and obvious. Here's why: 1. I'm not just marrying a man, I'm marrying into a family. You don't just get the guy, you get his parents and siblings and cousins and whatever. Now, this goes the other way, too, but it's a privilege to me to be identified as a member of his family. I'd think twice if I hated his folks so much I couldn't stand to be called by their name. 2. We are starting a new family. I want us to be identified as a family. I didn't want my kids to have different last names from at least one of their parents. I don't want to go to their schools and clubs and events and repeatedly explain, yes, I am the mom and my husband is their dad, but we have different names. I want to be able to sign cards "Love, the X's" not "Love, Mr. X, Ms Y, and little X-Y". I'm not opposed to married couples picking a new name together. Or the man taking the woman's surname if they both are down with that. I just think a family should have a name, not several names. 3. What you call me doesn't change the person I am. Even if my last name became Hitler-Mao-Stalin-Hussein, I'm still me. If I am willing to stand up before God, family and friends and declare that this is the man I commit to spending my life with, how unimportant is the little matter of a name? I proudly wear the banner of the decision I made. My main thing is that it should be a decision you make both rationally and together. If you are both on totally different pages about the name thing, is it a one-issue-wonder or do you have divergent goals and ideas of what the marriage will be? Better figure that out. And, as for the Mrs./Miss/Ms - Here's the deal ladies - is it sexist that our designation indicates married or not while the nice generic "Mister" doesn't? Probably. Get over it. If you wear a wedding ring, people can figure it out. "Oh, you're 'Ms Smith'? How will I ever determine if you're married or not??" Isn't that one of those things you tend to find out about someone fairly early on? If it's a secret that you're married, you probably shouldn't be. If you're not married - good for you, you're probably discriminating. So suck it up and be what you are.

Jami vs the Elderly Shoppers

I'm all for respecting the old - surviving this cruel world for 7 or 8 decades or more is an accomplishment, no doubt. I'd hope that anyone reaching that age would have some wisdom to share, not just having lived the lessons, but also with the perspective that time brings. However . . . In a store the other day, an incident started with a common sight: an elderly woman inspecting the wealth of options for one particular product had parked her cart perpendicular to the aisle, basically blocking all traffic. Indeed the selection is baffling and often overwhelming, but one doesn't need to stop everyone else's progress whileone deciphers the meaning of the labels. As I mentioned, this I've seen often. It's usually resolved with a polite "Excuse me", although, really, regardless of age, you should be able to understand that you don't park sideways. Anyhow, this situation got worse; the nice white-haired lady was reading the labels aloud to her clearly hard-of-hearing hubby. "MOUNTAIN BREEZE!! This one is called Mountain Breeze, but it doesn't say Ultra like that other one. This one is RAIN FRESH. It's utlra, but I don't know what this symbol means, see? What does this mean??" People on both sides were saying "Excuse me!" in increasingly loud tones, and one woman attempted to move their cart for them, only to realize that with the display nearby, she'd have to either knock it down or bump them. I could almost see her contemplating the options. I was about 3 carts back, both boys in the cart and frozen veggies unfreezing as we spoke. Finally, the cart-mover bellowed "EXCUSE ME" loud enough that the rest of us jumped and the couple finally turned. At this point, it's over, right? They'll move the cart, we'll all flow around and life will be grand. Nope. The traffic-blocking woman blinked at the other woman for a few seconds and said "Yes?" "Your cart is blocking the aisle." More blinking. The husband either didn't hear the problem or chose not to be involved; he returned to inspecting the shelves. After a long, tense moment, the wife moved the cart, turning it a bit, so that now it was . . . directly next to the display in the aisle that had prevented the other woman from moving it in the first place, and turned back to the task at hand. I began to back up to pull a 3-point turn; this wasn't going anywhere fast. I don't know how it ended. Finn was hungry, Eddie was on a bazillion question roll, and I wanted to get out of there by any route necessary. They may still be there now. Rudeness and simple inattentiveness is not unique to our older citizens, but I see it in that age bracket more and more, in parking lots, restaurants and more. Last year I witnessed the slowest speed collision ever as two seniors backed out of parking spaces into each other so slowly there wasn't even a noise when they hit - talk about an avoidable accident. Both got out of their cars mad at the other one. Working in the fast food industry, both my nicest and my rudest customers were the ones getting their senior discount. Perhaps the moderate die young. I don't hate seniors, I'm not against old folks in anyway, just making the observation that more often than not in recent months, when someone's being impolite or just plain oblivious, they're more likely than not to have grey hair.

Jami Fearin' the Flu

Ah, flu season, that magical time of year when germs frolic in all sorts of places and sneezes draw the evil eye from strangers. Ordinarily, I don't give much thought to flu season. I didn't worry about the bird flu (actually, due to business concerns at that time, I was rooting for that particular flu). I have never before had a flu shot. When the H1N1 flu started up, I didn't give it more than a passing thought. But now I have a newborn and that definitely changes one's attitude. I'm not frozen in panic, refusing to leave my house or let anyone in. I'm washing our hands a bit more, paying more attention than I otherwise might to who holds the baby, that sort of thing. I got a flu shot, which I would have in any case, working in hospitals and visiting doctors offices as I will be. Since Eddie is preschool with all the germy children, he got the flu mist (easier to convince a preschooler to inhale than sit still for a shot). I requested the Husband get one for the sake of the baby. Probably he would have otherwise given it a miss. My big problem is, as it always has been, the people who are clearly ill, whether with some sort of flu or just a cold, or whatever, wandering around in public. Flu season or not, what gives you the right to share your diseases with my family? No lie - last night I was at a gathering where a woman actually said, sitting there, just a few feet from me and my newborn "So, the dr. sent me today to get a chest X-ray, you know, since I have this cough that won't go away? To see if it's pneumonia." Another person asked "and?" Pneumonia Nelly: "Oh - they won't get the results for a couple of days." Only the fact that we were in a church prevented me from yelling "Then what the hell are you doing here with all these moms with young kids???" I'm sorry, I know this woman and generally she is a nice, generous, kind person, but what are you thinking if you *might* have pneumonia and you are going to a totally unnecessary fun event?!? This wasn't her job, she wouldn't be fired if she missed. No one would have suffered any horrible consequences if she'd called the host and said "Hey, I'd love to come, but the doctor thinks I may have pneumonia, so I'm gonna have to skip tonight - sorry." In fact, in that case, I think we all would have been grateful to her. This sort of thing happens way too much. I have heard all sorts of these stupid stories the last few weeks, including one woman who brought her son, diagnosed with "possible H1N1" to the church nursery. I know that manners of all kinds have gone out the window, but for the love of all that is holy, we're talking about a virus that has killed people, could you *maybe* err on the side of caution and stay home for one freaking day? Sure, we'll miss you today, but isn't that better than us hating you tomorrow when we're suffering the fate you unkindly shared? Patrick insists that we will all, sooner or later, get the Swine Flu. I hope that he's wrong, though the cynic in me is stocking up on chicken soup, tissue and Tylenol. Of course, he's also dealing with his new realization of his own mortality, having hit a milestone recently. If you: have a fever, feel a cold coming on, cough uncontrollably, or have not been told by a real actual live doctor that you're not contagious, take a day at home. Watch daytime TV, play your new Wii game or FaceBook all day and let the rest of us spend one more day healthy. Do it for me, for all the mothers of newborns and for Patrick.

Jami and the Mothering Skills

If we're being truthful, all moms will admit that we have our moments that we're glad CYS didn't see - one in particular for me, when my son decided he would play "doggie" stripped down to his skivvies, attached the dog's leash and was drinking out of the bowl in the backyard when I found him. I am not certain, but I'd guess that if the neighbors had called and said that we had our toddler chained up in the back, in his tighty-whities drinking out of a dog bowl that we'd at least get a brief visit from a nice social worker. Every mom I've had a conversation with has admitted to saying or doing something and almost instantly regretting it. We're human, unfortunately. So it's no wonder that we will all ourselves the question, at some point, "Am I being a good enough mom?" If you don't ask that, then I really would wonder if you are. Then we have the times like this morning, where I was stiting on the floor, playing Legos with Eddie and decided to put the TV on to listen to while we played (partially because playing Eddie often turns into watching Eddie, but not being allowed to touch any of the Legos because I'm "doing it wrong"). I happened upon a show called "Toddlers and Tiaras" which the Husband had TiVo'd for me. I enjoy the teen-adult pageants and I absolutely abhor the itty-bitty-kiddy ones. Even knowing that the Husband set this up to get me all riled, I started it up. The first mom starts off seeming oh-so-reasonable. Her four-year-old has only been to 5 or 6 pageants and the little girls says "Sometimes we don't win and that's okay. We just say 'Oh well'. And then sometimes we do win and we get very excited." The mom follows up by saying that they never "practice" more than 15 minutes at a time and they don't force her to do anything she doesn't want to. Hmmm,I think, could this be the Voice of Reason for this show? No. Of course not. In what I can only call snarky editing, the next scene is her yelling at the little girl for not practicing her "slow walk" and then threatening to send her to bed in the middle of the afternoon because she doesn't want to "play pageant" any more. Sigh. Then they go buy 2 dresses that "start at" $650, though we aren't given an actual figure. Then they go to *private* dance class, so she can work on her poise and "pretty feet". Hmmmph. And still - this was the more reasonable mom, I thought. After watching what I can only call the train-wreck-style of parenting, I feel confident that I am one seriously kick-butt mom. And I find myself justified in offering just a few tips to the parents (yes, there were dads into this, too - one in particular who was worse than the mom): 1. Your 4-year-old should never EVER be wearing false eyelashes, a bikini and suggestively shaking her hips. There can be no justification for your toddler to be sashaying around like a drunken Britney Spears. Never. 2. 2 year-olds don't have "life ambitions" or "life goals" so let's drop that little bit of nonsense. They've barely had a LIFE, let alone the capacity to make plans. "Charlene loves animals and her life's goal is to become a veterinarian"?? No. Charlene needs to learn to use the potty and her ABCs. Charlene's life ambition is to stay up past 7:30 and eat an entire bag of lollipops when you're not looking. 3. If your child is less than a week old, he/she does NOT need to be competing. Seriously, they showed a THREE DAY OLD baby competing in the fancy dress competition. 3 day-olds don't "enjoy the pageants"'; they don't like dressing up. They like eating, pooping and being cuddled. 4. No child needs a dress that costs more than a used car. The grand prize in this pageant was $500. The woman who makes the custom-made sequined-covered monstrosities these children were shoved into said that they start at $650, but are usually more. So, even if you are the ONE winner in this pageant of maybe 100 girls, you lose $150 just on the clothing, and don't forget the dance lessons, "bathing outfit", hair pieces (most had one), fake teeth (for those in various stage of normal teeth-losing), make up artists (several girls had pros - even the 5 year-olds), the mani-pedi (they all had), and of course the time, effort and money getting to the pageant - oh - plus entry fees. So I'd guess, if you're lucky and you win the whole shebang, you're down only $1000-$1500 for the day. Whoo hoo. You win. Lastly, on a really serious note - you are encouraging your baby girls to be sexy. Not only is this sick and wrong and encouraging to pedophiles everywhere, but look, you've got a seriously limited amount of time when your little ones are actually little. If you want to play dress up at home and let her spin around in a big fluffy princess dress with sparkly shoes, that's great. Get her a whole box of boas and tiaras and fairy wings and let her go nuts. But mid-drift baring bathing suits, gowns where they can't put their arms down, so much make up that you yell at them if they cry because they're going to mess it up - these aren't things preschoolers should even know about. No kindergartner should have to sit still for eyelash curling or lip-lining. No one who can't even cross the street alone should know how to walk in high heels. Don't grow them up so fast, because they will spend the rest of their lives being grown up. Let her decide to compete in the pageants when she's old enough to handle the rejection and you've taught her the many other valuable parts of herself. And for the love of all that is holy, stop doing the routine in the back of the room facing her while she's on stage. You're just making yourself even more ridiculous.

Jami Explains "Memorial"

I have to admit, I didn't watch the Michael Jackson memorial. The honest-to-goodness truth is that I'd grown fairly disgusted with it long before it even started. I have to admit, I haven't really been a fan of the man since the 80's, but I think had I actually been really into him and his music, this would have turned my stomach all the more. When I saw them talking about dress rehearsals and all the celebrities who wanted to perform, that's when I started to think this would be less funeral and more concert. Maybe those who watched it can correct me, and I hope so. I actually read a couple reviews which seemed to indicate that mostly only people who actually knew him sang or spoke, and I hope that's the case. At a memorial service, any music should be something that was meaningful to the person, and hopefully sung by someone who is paying their respects to a loved one, not trying to get their face on international TV. If you admired Michael, but weren't actually acquainted with him, and want to pay tribute to him, you do that on your own time. Funerals are for family and friends to say goodbye. To say anything they need to say and move to the next part of the grieving process. I read about Paris, Michael's 11-year-old, speaking very briefly and I thought "She gets it." All these thousands of people who wanted to get into the Staples Center, the person I saw on CNN saying "I have the hottest ticket in town", the one who said "This is a once-in-a-lifetime event" and the several reporters who talked about the excitement and anticipation in the air - you didn't get it. That little girl and her brothers are saying goodbye to their dad. That's what it's about. Not about who is there and what they are wearing or singing. Not about how many people are trying to get in, or have traveled from X just hoping to get close to the event. Not even about the gold coffin. It's about the grieving loved ones, and their final farewell. Massive kudos to Elizabeth Taylor, someone who I believe actually knew and loved Michael, not just his fame. In a super-classy move, she explained that her friendship and goodbye would be private and just between her and Michael, as it had been in life. As the Husband pointed out, Taylor comes from an era where celebrities actually tried to maintain some dignity and class, and even though her life has not been without scandal, Taylor's decision to eschew this public spectacle elevates her, at least in my opinion.

Jami Can't Be the Only One Mad About This

Have you seen this SafeLink? I've been seeing their commercials for a few months and I had to watch them several times to be sure I heard right. You get a FREE cell phone and monthly minutes. Free for the person receiving it, of course. The idea, according to the commercial, is that lower income people will have a cell phone in case of emergency. Okay, I'm on board with that. I am all about the safety. But if I'm paying for you to have a cell phone that you can use in an emergency, that phone should have one and only one big button on it, a button that says 911. That's it. No calling your family, friends or pizza guy. Because we know who is paying for those minutes - me. A "federally funded program" means that along with all the other crap my taxes are going toward, now I'm paying for other people's chitchat, too. Nice. According to the website, if you're already getting some types of assistance, you probably qualify for the phone. So, now, I'm paying for your rent, your food, your medical and your phone? A cell phone isn't a necessity. It's not like shoes for your kids or milk for your baby. If you can't afford a cell phone, you don't get a cellphone. Okay? If you're elderly and your kids want to be able to talk to you once a day, they can add you to their plan for $10 a month. If they can't afford that, then you all should move in together and pool your resources. If you all still can't afford a phone all together, then you get the one big red button phone for emergencies. I know times are tough, but that means they are tough for everyone. I struggle to pay my bills, and now even more of my money is going to pay for other people's bills. For things they don't need. Maybe the Husband should quit his job so we can start getting some of these sweet deals.

Jami Vs. The Former Beauty Queen in the Convertible

I don't know if it's the heat, but there seem to be days designated as crazy/bad driver days, and somehow I never get the notices ahead of time. A few days ago was another one of those particular days, and it started when I almost got creamed by a former beauty queen. Pulling out of a parking lot, going left, I'm always super-careful. I actually HATE making lefts out of parking lots and I'm one of those people you get stuck behind when you're in a hurry and you're screaming "What are you waiting for? I could have fit a double eighteen wheeler in that opening? GO!!!!" I tell you this so that you understand that I don't just dart out. Anyway, I look both directions my normal 130 times, start to drift out, look again and make the turn - and flying around the corner comes a sleek little convertible with a deeply tanned woman driving. We both slam on the brakes (me now in traffic) and she takes the time to throw her hands up and give me a glare of death. And sits there, for a minute, just glaring at me while a minivan bears down on me from the other lane. Finally she goes, I pull the rest of the way out behind - a former Miss Pennsylvania! How do I know? Because her liscense plate had her title and year on it. I am not kidding. Out of respect for the pageant, I won't give you the year, but it was more than 10 years ago. At this point, you're just advertising that you're old and you used to be hot. Then I followed an otherwise fine driver, who drove the entire length of the Liberty Bridge with his hand inexplicibly sticking out of his sun roof. Maybe that hand was too warm. Maybe he was trying to drive his fingernail polish, on that hand only. Maybe he had a question. We'll never know. He pulled it back in before the tunnel, so perhaps he just needed some sun on that hand. Lastly, I again am trying to pull out of a parking lot, this time going right, of course. The car ahead of me is trying to go left, but that's fine. I never mind if you take your time. There's a light at the end of the next block, so I know that soon the traffic will stop, he'll go and I'll go when the light changes again. As the cars begin to line up, stopping at the light, a very large man stops his big red car completely blocking the exit for everyone. Why? Because he was apparently so distracted by waving his blue lollipop around in a very complex pattern. I am not making this up. The car behind him, realizing that a growing line of cars was being blocked in by Lollipop dancer, stopped waaaay far back, in case he noticed his disgression and cared to fix it. Finally, he realizes that his confectionary gyrations are being watched by several annoyed drivers. He looks around, drifts up about an inch, and gives us all a "sorry, what can I do?" shrug. Then he goes back to swinging the candy around. Do we have to pass a law about the use of stick-related treats while driving? If anyone gets a notice that it's crazy/bad driver day, would you just drop me a line? I've been out in the last several, and I'd like to miss at least one. Thanks!

Jami and Father's Day

First let me say that while I am using the apparently traditional "Father's Day" (apostrophe after the r) I still maintain that since we are celebrating more than one father, it should be "Fathers' Day" but maybe that is just me. As you might be aware, I am not a father. I do have a great father, father-in-law and husband who is father to my 1 1/2 children. And for them I am eternally grateful. I am the person, wife and mother I am in part due to my dad. My father-in-law helped raise the wonderful man I married. I can't say enough about how much I appreciate the Husband and love to see him Daddying - he's great at it. But I don't mean to post about me and my fantastic life. I want to remind us that fathers are important. It really frustrates me to see so many children without fathers in their homes and lives. "I don't need a man" - no, but your children do. And not just the next random guy you shack up with, have a baby by and dump. Children need daddies. I'm not going to go get all the studies that show the harm children who don't have a close relationship with their dad get into. And yeah, I know, some people have crappy dads who stay in the house, and abuse them or ignore them or whatever, but all you women out there, let me just say, if you picked a crappy guy to father your kid, that's still at least partially your fault. If you don't want to keep him for at least the next 18-19 years, don't have his baby. Please. I worked with a woman who was talking about her granddaughter - the fifth generation in their family to be an unwed mother. Read that again. Fifth generation. I said I was sorry that she had to go through that, but she got defensive. She wasn't upset. She was bragging. Five generations and they didn't need men and they were all just fine. I asked her, did she have sons and grandsons? Yes, she had a son and two grandsons. "So what you tell them is that women don't need them? That they can go out and impregnate women and walk away?" She said that she'd taught her children responsibility. "But they've heard you say their whole lives that strong women don't need men to raise their babies. I wonder how many grandchildren out there you have that you've never met, because their moms don't need a man." She looked shocked and didn't have reply. I also wonder if her family would have had five generations of good dads if that first woman hadn't chosen a loser and raised her kids without one. Maybe her 19 year old granddaughter would have gone to school, gotten a career and had her first child with a husband when they were in their late 20s, living in their own home, instead of living with her mother, grandmother and other siblings and a couple of their children, all trying to get on their feet? Dads are important.

Jami Says "So What?"

Really, what's the problem with this funeral director taking a bit off the bottom so the guy fits? Seems like the most logical solution to me. We had to pay extra for a larger casket for an overweight relative, and I think we'd have been better off (especially the pall bearers) if this sort of option had been available. And it's his FEET for crying out loud, not like he's using them now. Or that you check them out at the viewing - "hey, did you see the shoes Bob was wearing in his casket? Whew - those are some sweet kicks." Just sayin' - you already fined him, give the guy back his license and make him get family consent before trimming the customers.

Jami Speaks On Behalf of the Preggos

Part of my job as a doula is advocating for mommies-to-be. So, on behalf of every pregnant woman in the world, allow me offer the follow suggestions, by which I mean - learn these rules before we revolt and attack. 1. Stop telling pregnant women labor horror stories!!!! Long before I was all knocked up, this was still one of my pet peeves. "Oh, you're pregnant and happy about it? Let me tell you how horrible it's going to get . . ." Stop it right now!! I don't care if you died in childbirth and your dead grandpa and his 16 cousins told you to spread the word, don't you dare scare another woman in this condition. Just because it sucked for you doesn't mean it's going to be anything like that for anyone else, so keep your tales of terror to yourself. 2. Don't make fun, even gentle, loving teasing, of a pregnant woman's weight gain. The only exception to this rule is if you are saying something along the lines of "even pregnant, you're skinnier than me". I couldn't believe the number of women who have had a friend, relative or coworker call them "fatty", "tubby" or some sort of large animal. Even healthy, slender women get touchy about the pregnancy weight, and with the raging hormones, you don't want to risk causing one of us rhinos to charge. 3. Remember that the following things are none of your darn business.

• If the pregnancy was an "accident" - geez- why do you care, were you monitoring my sex life? Even if the woman is single, or has 5 kids already, or both don't assume she didn't mean to get into that situation.
• How much weight I've gained, see #2.
• How I'm going to deliver. I'm glad you loved your epidural, or went all-natural. It's great that you liked the tub or your doctor or whatever, and I don't mind your opinion, but if I'm doing it different, don't argue with me. I have plenty of strong opinions, but if you tell me that you're going to give birth in the middle of the highway on horseback, I'll wish you well.
• I can have an occasional small glass of wine. So if you see me sipping it, back off. You don't know if it's really wine, or if it's the one glass I'm having to celebrate my anniversary, or if my doctor told me to have a glass to calm braxton-hicks contractions so zip your lip and toast with me to the baby.

4. I know, so don't remind me. I mentioned this on Facebook, but if you missed it - pregnant women who will be pregnant over the summer are aware that they will be pregnant and that the weather will be hot. I am seriously shocked by the people who say something like "Did you realize you're going to be pregnant in the hottest part of the year?" No, really?? I mean, I knew I was due in September, but I had no idea that means I'll be pregnant from now until then! AND - people say things like "that was bad planning" as though the main reason to get pregnant is so that you'll be comfortable. Sigh. Also, I know I'm going to get bigger, have swollen ankle, and be tired. No need to let me know it's coming, believe me, all us preggos know that.

5. If you know me personally, then you may ask to touch my belly. AFTER I start showing. So, that means, - don't touch without asking, ever. Don't ask if I don't know your name. Don't ask when I'm 8 weeks along. Seriously, I had someone rub my belly at 12 weeks. At this point you're just squeezing my fat, and I don't need that.

Jami Offers Quick Wedding Guest Advice

I'm back from a wedding, and perhaps I'll have more on that some time, it was lovely and we all know I dig weddings. However, I just wanted to say to all of you who plan to go to weddings: The receiving line, you know, the thing at the end of the wedding where you walk out and say hug or shake hands with the newlyweds? That is NOT a time for chit-chat. Don't start long and detailed stories. Don't plan to have a nice long conversation with the groom, the mother-of-the-bride or anyone else in the line. People are standing behind you, waiting. You're just not that important. So, just say any ONE of the following to each wedding party member: "It was a lovely service." "You look beautiful." "Congratulations." "Nice to meet you." (for wedding party members you don't know). "Way to go." Thanks.

Jami's Suggestions for Donating Properly

I spent a good part of today and several hours on Tuesday sorting, carrying, cleaning and pricing items donated for my MOPS group's annual flea market. Let me first say how very appreciative we are of all the people who donate stuff. And then I am going to make a few polite suggestions for those considering donating stuff to anyone . . . 1. Don't donate stuff that is broken, missing pieces or not working. If it's really garbage, you're not helping by donating it. Today I saw a lamp with a broken stand, a toy race track missing parts of the track and an armless doll. Last year I opened a bag to find several toy trucks with 3 or less wheels. We got some large power tools marked "doesn't work". Who do you think is going to buy a broken power drill?? No one. Now you've wasted our time and space, and we have to get rid of your junk. 2. Donate relatively clean items. I don't expect you to scrub down each piece, and I don't mind if something has some serious dust on it, but we've gotten clothes with large, obvious stains (even, and I'm not making this up - underwear. Ick), hair implements with hair still stuck in them, dishes/cups that are sticky and more. Last year we got a water bottle with rotting "water" still in it. One woman reached into a box of linens and found a pile of dried, gross ramen noodles stuck to the linen. We don't mind wiping something down with a Lysol wipe, but if it takes more than that, you're pushing it. 3. If you're donating something relatively unusual, why not put a little note on it. We constantly get stuff where we're going "Anyone know what this is?? Anyone??" Would it kill you to put a post-it on it? "Pineapple Corer-Slicer" , "Motorized tie rack", "Hardware from my cabinets". If it's not something everyone has in their house, just go ahead and give us a heads up. 4. For most groups, especially one like ours where the flea market is in a church - DON'T DONATE YOUR PORN. Really. Just pitch it. It's okay. 5. Unless the group specifically says it's okay, don't donate food. There are places to do that. A charity flea market isn't it. 6. For crying out loud, use some common sense. No one wants a candle burned down to the nub, dried out markers, incomplete decks of cards, puzzles missing several pieces, cracked plates and bowls, your mug that has a relative's picture on it. We once got mugs that said "Ray and Jan, Cancun '99" They didn't sell. Apparently no other Ray and Jan were in Cancun the same year as you. Thank so much, keep donating!!

Jami Fears for the Future

I have to admit to watching a couple of reality shows. Celebrity Apprentice (edited so that you feel smarter, thanks NBC) and Biggest Loser are the current ones, though I did watch and enjoy the Joe Schmoe Show (first season only, second one sucked) and I couldn't stop watching that one where people allowed themselves to be repeatedly beaten up so they could "win" a spot in pro-wrestling. Very train-wreckish, that one. Anyway, I also watch a few of the "Worlds Dumbest . . ." style shows, especially the ones courtesy of the Smoking Gun, which features "celebrities" (use that term lightly) commenting on the clips. I watch two judge shows - People's Court and Judge Judy, which I consider to be, sadly, the classiest of the judge show bunch. And, observing this much of humanity, I can only come to one conclusion - we, as a people, are getting stupider. It must be a result of our anti-Darwinism, where we protect the least fit (and I'm not talking physically, here) from their own bad choices, inadequacies and basic self-destructive natures. That and the fact that smart people, decent, intelligent educated people, seem to have less children overall. Yes, that's a generalization and I know some wonderful families with tons of kids. However, I also see far more ding-dongs with 8 kids by 5 different partners, none of whom I would trust to watch my dirty laundry at the laundromat. For more on the logical outcome of this premise, see the movie Idiocracy. I'm not sure what can be done to reverse this dumbening trend, but I have a few suggestions, not that anyone who needs them will read this blog: 1. If you have to bail him out of jail repeatedly, don't have kids with him. 2. If a friend, significant other, or relative asks you to cosign for something because they have bad credit and can't do it - pause for just a moment and ask yourself - how did he/she get bad credit? From not repaying creditors (that's the people who lend someone money)? This means that someone who has a history of not paying people back is asking you to be responsible for the money they are borrowing from someone else who they are probably not going to pay back. Get it? 3. If you have more than 3 children by more than 3 partners, please get fixed. We don't need you to mix up the gene pool all by yourself, and your kids just have a bigger chance of committing unintentional incest. 4. Watch some of the judge shows and notice how many of the bad stories start out with "We was drinkin' . . ." Alcohol can be fun, but know what kind of drunk you are and stick with a nice comfy buzz. These are just a few guidelines to help you live a happier, healthier life. Thank you.