Jami's Two Part Series of Having Friends - Part One

I'm a lot of things - wife, sister, daughter, friend, cousin, employee, etc. You know that drill. But most of my time right now is spent being a Mommy. As you know if you have a kid, it changes every facet of your life. For me, the biggest change was in my social life. Being a mommy changes your friendships. And I learned two things: 1. It's important to have Mommy-Friends 2. It's important to have not-Mommy Friends. So this is Part One: It's Important to Have Mommy Friends The first month I was a stay at home mom nearly stole my sanity. That's a story for another post. But let's just say, I loved even while losing my grip. Then came MOPS. A friend of the Husband's gave me the info for her group and after the first meeting, I couldn't wait the two weeks until the next meeting. They had what I needed - Mommy Friends (MF's) You need Mommy-Friends because you need to talk to someone else who understands that you can love your kids and not bear to be away from them for a minute and still want to lock them in a sound-proof room so you can watch a grown-up TV show and eat junk food. You need Mommy-Friends because they find your kid-stories cute, and you will listen to theirs. You know your friends without kids can only take so many "the adorable thing my kid did today" stories. Your MF's can sit around a table and share them for hours and no one is bored. You need Mommy-Friends because the topics of your conversation are going to be uninteresting to others. One of my MF's just told me about a time she and her not-mommy friends sat around a campfire chatting and she went into her camper and cried because she didn't know what to talk about anymore. None of them had an opinion on which is better - Diaper Genie or Diaper Champ. They were talking about doing things she couldn't afford, and even if she could, probably wouldn't be able to participate in anyway, with the kids. You need Mommy-Friends to convince you you're not crazy, bad or going to permanently mess up your kids. They've been there. Someone else's kid spit up on a stranger or said the cuss word you blurted out in traffic to your minister. Everyone had that moment when she wasn't as vigilant as she normally is and had a could-have-been-tragic moment. We reassure each other. We offer suggestions or a shoulder to cry on. We keep each others' secrets. We laugh and hug and cry, and then we all hug our kids and are glad we have them and each other. You need Mommy-Friends because becoming a parent is moving to a whole new world and you better make friends on your new planet. It's important to have Mommy-Friends.

Jami the Firefighter

a random memory I was in my bedroom, and very little: 4, maybe 5 years old. I'd found an uninflated balloon and had been filling it up in the bathroom sink and hosing off the wall next to the door in my room. The balloon, red of course, was my firehose and I was a fireman (at the time, they still weren't saying firefighter.) The entry of my room had bare wood, no carpet, so I wasn't soaking the carpet. I happily "put out the fire" on my wall, dresser, door, floor, and probably a few toys. It was great, really. I think I might have found my calling. Little Jami, Girl Fireman! Until my mom walked in. I believe she went with the standard "What are you DOING??" I knew, even at that tender age, that my best bet here would be lying. Telling her I'd been firefighting would lead to bad things, I just knew it. My tiny brain churned and I blurted out: "I'm cleaning my room! I'm washing the walls!" Brilliant, and what's better? She bought it! My mother, apparently believing the best in me, said "Oh, that's so nice, but next time you want to clean, please let me know and I'll get you the right stuff to clean with." Sorry, Mom. I can only now appreciate what a horrible blessing it is to have a child with a great imagination.

Jami's Holy Backyard

After a storm, I go out into the backyard, and see:

Yup, the Virgin Mary, with some sort of scary clown face on her robes.

My first thought was how one earth someone's Mary statue ended up in my backyard and my second thought was a fear that it had blown into our yard from the cemetery up the hill and how I'd figure out whose dead relative it belonged to.

Turns out it's just a plastic shopping bag. I thought about calling the media and offering to allow people to ask it stuff for a very small fee. Or selling it to the casino that bought the holy grilled cheese. But, in the end, I just gently removed it from the weeds and respectfully added her to my recycle pile.

Jami Gets Nice Buns

You know what's yummy? Kaiser rolls. Today as a little treat I bought the Giant Eagle gourmet burgers for dinner. Cajun. Yummers. But then, to go with them, I had to buy quality buns. You can't eat delicious gourmet burgers on the 69 cent generic brand white buns, right? So in the bun aisle I saw the Kaiser ones, which are, according to the package, sandwich rolls, not buns. Anyway, I grabbed them right away, they go great with everything. For lunch, I'm trying to decide what to make and I see the buns. I remembered this little place by my old office that made great breakfast sandwiches on kaiser buns. I loved those sandwiches; I still can't understand why everyone doesn't put eggs and bacon on kaiser rolls! Of course, that's what I make. As perfect as I remember. Try it, you'll see. And you're welcome.

Jami Thinks This is a Bad Idea

The picture is hard to see, because I took it with my phone:

It's a chainsaw on a stick.That's right. A chainsaw, attached to the end of a nice long stick. I think an appropriate name for it would be - Severe Laceration Wound Waiting to Happen. Do you know how hard it would be to accurately control a heavy, vibrating cutting blade on the end of a several foot long pole?? Go get a shovel, duct tape a gallon of milk on the end and then try to accurately draw a line over your head with it. Now imagine that the milk could remove your arm. I know someone who injured himself with a non-moving saw on a stick.

Please people, don't buy power tools on a stick. If you can't reach it, hire a professional.

Jami Sings Along with the TV

Did you notice that most shows don’t have theme songs any more, I mean songs with words? Just theme music. It's definitely a change from whem most had original lyrics. M*A*S*H had an instrumental theme, but it was a real song that has words. Hill Street Blues started it all, in my humble and probably wrong opinion. The Simpsons theme, to which the lyrics are "The Simpsons!" seems to have more singing than most of the other shows today.

I assume this is a time consideration, as the ad rates go up, every second counts, and who wants to waste story-telling time on a song that most people are going to fast forward through? I do consider this to be a bit of a loss, though, because who among us (and by us, I mean the people in my generation) can't finish this line "Well I bet we've been together for a millions years. . . . " I don't know how long most theme music time is now, but I know that the themes to Facts of Life, Happy Days, Family Ties and Growing Pains all took me at least 35 seconds to sing, without any intro music. So there ya go.

The Big Bang Theory has a theme song right now, but it's the Barenaked Ladies and they sing it really fast. I think that the lack of sing-along theme songs is quite a loss for us. I've based several party games around TV theme songs, but as the old classics fade away and the new ones have no words, what will become of them? What will the kids of today drunkenly sing in college when they remember the shows of their youth?

There are several instrumental theme songs I really like, that I feel really "fit" the show. Angel is a great one. It's no longer on the air, but from the first time I could hear in the music how it ached. It's so perfect for that show. The Office's pithy music sounds both like fun and somehow like coming home. So I guess the point is, if you can't sing it, at least make sure it feels right.

Jami the Fast Food Pusher

Yes, I know that it's not good for you. I know that it's full of fat and salt and sugar. But, I am telling you this as a fact - McDonald's food cures a variety of ailments. It's just true. Here's the thing. When I have a cold, or feel one coming on. I use my 5 point plan of defeating the cold:

1. Zicam
2. Steamy showers
3. Rest
4. Cold medicine
5. Double-cheeseburger and an alcoholic beverage for dinner.

Works every time. If I do this for one day, I will be noticeably better the next. Ask the Husband, it's the truth.

Last week, I realized that when I have a stomach ailment that, if I get an order of McNuggets (and fries if I haven't eaten in more than about 18 hours) as soon as the idea of food doesn't make me nauseous, even if I still feel bad, the nuggets fix the problem as I digest. It's just true. It's one more reason I don't want to get pregnant. If I have morning sickness I'll have to eat nuggets every day and have the first baby born with high cholesterol and a desire to dunk his breast milk.

Now, I didn't see Supersize Me, and don't really have the desire to. I don't see how it can be news that if you eat at Mickey-D's thrice daily you will get fat. But, having not seen it, I will venture a guess - that the entire time he was on the all-Mac diet, he didn't have a cold or the flu. Right? Of course not. He was eating the Magic Common Ailment Cure foods daily. Fat, but not ill. Oh, and one of my friends told me that nothing cures a hangover faster than a Quarter Pounder with Cheese and a Coke.

I'm guessing that they can't advertise this fact because it will spill the beans that they are putting some sort of magic addictive deliciousness drugs in the food.

Jami Has an ADD Post

I mentioned yesterday that my poor brain is tired. This makes focusing even more of a challenge for us ADD folks. So here's what's rattlin' around the old bean. Why did macaroni and cheese make such a big hit, when shells and cheese is clearly superior? Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally in love with mac and cheese in all its many delicious forms, but shells are obviously better suited to holding cheese. Were the shells invented after the macaroni variety took off? I just wonder. I wonder what happened before people settled on “left” and “right”. I mean, the cavemen must have had to give each other directions to each other, perhaps to where they had felled the mammoth for dinner that night. So if they didn’t have formalized directions, it must have been much harder. Maybe this is why the modern man still doesn’t want to ask for directions; it’s ingrained in him since prehistoric times that it just won’t help. Why isn’t the spork more popular? It seems it would make place settings easier. I don’t have enough experience with them to know if there are ways that a fork and spoon separately are superior. How can homeless people afford to smoke? Even if they are always bumming cigarettes off of other people, how did they get started? If you can’t afford a home and food, I can’t imagine blowing $5 on a pack of cigs when you could get actual food or at least some alcohol for that much. Alcohol might not be any better for you, but at least it can make you feel better about not having a home. Drinking I get, smoking – no. When will they invent the soda can that can be resealed by the consumer? Why does pop taste better from cans? Is it absorbing the metal? Am I going to die from heavy metal poisoning? The bad kind, not the Metallica kind. I really like mints and of course I enjoy chocolate, but I no longer like them together. I used to love those Thin Mints, but now I’d rather not even have a cookie, and that’s saying a lot. Okay, I love you, Bye-bye (100 points if you get the cartoon reference)

Jami Fights the World

Ugh, when it rains it, well, you know. In the last two weeks:

• We had a death in the family
• I've spent hours and hours fighting with the various customer service and tech support personnel of different companies. (and I haven't had Internet - almost lost my phone, too).
• My computer battery died, and apparently this particular model doesn't run on a power cord if the battery is kaput. Don't ask me why.
• I had a problem with my paycheck.
• I am planning our church's VBS (with tons of help, not just me), our church's Youth Sunday (Not that it's a huge production,just one more thing).
• It was so hot even my two-year-old didn't want to go outside. Now it's raining
• Apparently this is a busy time for my company as we all got extra work.
• I took on a side project, because I just don't have enough to do.
• I think my washing machine might be leaking.

And that's just off the top of my head. Most of the customer service people at least attempted to be helpful, even when they were telling me things they knew I didn't want to hear. At least two were whatever the opposite of helpful is, not unhelpful, meaning that they just didn't help much, meaning that they appeared to make the situation less pleasant AND did not help.

I also talked to a woman at my company who apparently is the "form lady". From what I could tell her job consists of: 1. Answering her phone in a confusing way and 2. Sending people forms. I am not kidding. She could not tell me anything about anything unless it was "I have a form for . . . would that help?" (answer: no) I am not sure what type of training this requires, but it sounds, overall, like a fairly easy job and I wonder how one goes about becoming the form lady. I also talked to the person who, according to my contact sheet, is the one you need to talk to about personnel and/or payroll issues. I explained my situation and she told me that she didn't know anything my payroll, because the payroll department didn't share any information with her. She referred me to the form lady. Who sent me a form. This is not a joke, sadly.

So, sorry I've been gone. My brain is shot. Computer is mostly back up. I will attempt to be fun and interesting tomorrow. Assuming that the roof doesn't fall in.

Jami's Big Kid

The thing about babies is, they keep growing. Seriously, it's crazy. In the last two and a half years that we've had Eddie, he's been through 5 different clothes sizes. I've been in maybe two - and it's the same two I've been in for the last 15 years. Not 5 new sizes. Now my little guy is outgrowing his 2T's, but not all of him. See, the 2T's fit his waist. They fit his arms. They fit his butt and his legs. Some overalls are a little short, but mostly they fit. So, you ask, what part of him is left that they don't fit? His head. That's right. Eddie's (apparently) gigantic head isn't fitting through the head-holes on his shirts. You know how traumatic it is for a two-year-old to get stuck half-way out of a shirt? Not good. The next size up is huge on him, but at least I can get that big old noggin though it. This means our choices are: struggle to get that giant bean through the too-small hole, or put him what's practically a dress. Sigh. When will they make fashions for the big-headed kid? Note: I assume that his head is big because he is brilliant and his brain is growing with all the knowledge being crammed in there.

Jami Explains What Happened

Oh, so sad. We are weeping in Pittsburgh, for our beloved Pens lost the Cup. At least they really made those awful Wings work for it. So, here's my explanation of why we don't have Lord Stanley's Cup in the Burgh. Playoff Beards - Clearly, the Wings, with the older team, had bigger, fuller playoff beards. If you're not a hockey fan, allow me to explain: When your team makes the playoffs, you're not supposed to shave until you lose. So, by the finals, the guys are looking pretty Grizzly Adams. The Pens have younger guys who seem to not be able to make the beards grow to such glorious fullness. Some of them seemed to try to go for a "hipper" beard, such as the Amish-no-mustache thing. Gadzooks! - So we're watching the first game and I can't figure out why the announcer said "Gadzooks!" Then he says something about how Gadzooks passed the puck. I am so impressed - they have a player named Gadzooks. I love it! I want him on our team. Turns out his name is actually Datsuk, but for the other 5 games, that's all I can think: Gadzooks! He's got the puck. A cool name goes a long way. And speaking of names . . Girls' Names- The pens are saddled with too many girls. Marian, Maxime (too close to Maxine), and the either-ors: Jordan, Tyler, Kris, Sidney. We need more manly-man names. Deal with the Devil - Come on, you know it's true. They wear red. They have some sort of evil flying wheel thing on their jerseys. They have Scotty Bowman. So you see, it's not all our fault. Congrats, Red Wings. I still love you, Pens.

Jami Reads and Watches

It's not uncommon of me to be wary of a movie made from a book I love. Too often we have all been let down in this way, right? But I will frequently get the book for a movie I enjoyed. A great example of this is Fried Green Tomatoes (movie title, the book adds "At the Whistle Stop Cafe"). Liked the movie, loved the book. In fact, I have had to buy this book several times because I've lent it to someone and not gotten it back. In most cases the book is better simply because you can put way more into a book that you can a movie; we can hear people's thoughts, the story can go on and on without needing an intermission. Squeezing a whole book into a movie often requires cutting out subplot, side-stories and entire scenes. I wanted to mention this because I just read "I Am Legend", after seeing the movie not too long ago. I got the book from the library on a whim - it was on a shelf and had Will Smith on it. And I did enjoy the movie, so what the heck? Turns out this is my least favorite type of "adaptation", the kind where the movie bares almost no actual resemblance to the book. The Tom Cruise version of War of the Worlds is another fantastic example of this. Basically, they (by which I mean the adapters) take the bare bones most basic part of the idea and the name of the antagonist and pitch the rest. How are they allowed to call it the same thing? I know you can't copyright titles, but how misleading can you be? I understand that some things may be updated, like the use of cellphones, let's say, but if you're going to toss out the majority of the story, call it something else. Maybe "inspired by . . . " Here's a brief look for I Am Legend: BOOK Location: West Coast Cause: Bacteria mutated by (implied) nuclear war Dog: Finds and befriends a stray Wife & kid: Died from plague, wife came back to get him Job: Ex-military, then some sort of factory Friends: None Listens to: Classical, loud enough to cover sounds of vampires Meets: Woman who betrays him Grows: Garlic to protect house Nemesis: Former friend who is now a vampire, groups of roaming vamps Habits: Smoking, excessive drinking, fits of rage, killing random vamps House: Boarded up windows & doors, one floodlight outside Ending: Unhappy MOVIE Location: New York City Cause: Man-made virus gone wrong Dog: Beloved pet of late daughter Wife & kid: Died in helicopter crash escaping the plague Job: Military research doctor Friends: Store Mannequins Listens to: Bob Marley Meets: Woman who helps him escape, and restores (some of) his faith Grows: Fields of crops for eating Nemesis: Angry vampire whose girlfriend he stole Habits: Exercising, researching, experimenting on vamps House: Ultra-protected windows, floodlights all around Ending: Guardedly hopeful So, even from this brief off-the-top-of-my-head list, we can see how this is not at all the same story. Just saying.