Jami Gives Driving Instructions

For any who don't know, I live in Pittsburgh, and I love it here. Today, coming home from an appointment with a client, I was pondering some of the rules of driving in Pittsburgh, and wondering how confusing it would be to driving around here, especially if you come from somewhere non-hilly, where the roads are laid out in a sensible order, like a grid. Pittsburgh Driving Rules for Non-Pittsburghers. Just so you know: 1. If you are approaching the Squirrel Hill Tunnels, no matter the time of day, weather conditions or traffic, you must slow down and possibly even stop. No one knows why, though I've heard that this is where good Catholics (about 70% of Pittsburghers) genuflect for the saint of tunnels. There must always be a traffic slow down before this tunnel in both directions. 2. You never, for any reason, EVER change lanes in a tunnel. I've been in the car with other natives when someone has broken this cardinal rule (which, BTW, is also the posted law). This causes every Pittsburgher I know to scream "YOU DON'T CHANGE LANES IN THE TUNNEL!!!" at the top of their lungs, and usually add a few angry honks and/or expletives. Trust me, unless the lane you are in is on fire, you don't change lanes. 3. Give the courtesy "Thank you" wave. This probably is universal, but just in case - if someone lets you in at one of the bazillion merge points in and around the city, you hold your right hand up, and give a little "thanks!" wave to the car now behind you. If you neglect the wave and change lanes in a tunnel, you will probably be dragged from your car and beaten. 4. The Pittsburgh Left - Several people who have lived here and move elsewhere told me this is a Pittsburgh-Only thing. You're at a light and you are making a left turn. There's no left turn lane/signal. When the light turns green, the first car turning left goes, and opposing traffic knows he's going to and lets him. A former coworker told me that when living in another state, he almost got creamed twice making the Pgh Left, before deciding that he'd better not do that anymore. 5. Don't count on any road:

• staying the same name while you're on it
• going straight
• being the same number of lanes for any particular stretch
• always being a 2-way or 1-way.

These things change very quickly on Pittsburgh roads, you while you might be driving on a one way street called X, you might go 1 block and find yourself on a 2-way street with a new name, and you didn't even turn or anything.

But that's just part of our charm.

Jami Explains What Happened

Oh, so sad. We are weeping in Pittsburgh, for our beloved Pens lost the Cup. At least they really made those awful Wings work for it. So, here's my explanation of why we don't have Lord Stanley's Cup in the Burgh. Playoff Beards - Clearly, the Wings, with the older team, had bigger, fuller playoff beards. If you're not a hockey fan, allow me to explain: When your team makes the playoffs, you're not supposed to shave until you lose. So, by the finals, the guys are looking pretty Grizzly Adams. The Pens have younger guys who seem to not be able to make the beards grow to such glorious fullness. Some of them seemed to try to go for a "hipper" beard, such as the Amish-no-mustache thing. Gadzooks! - So we're watching the first game and I can't figure out why the announcer said "Gadzooks!" Then he says something about how Gadzooks passed the puck. I am so impressed - they have a player named Gadzooks. I love it! I want him on our team. Turns out his name is actually Datsuk, but for the other 5 games, that's all I can think: Gadzooks! He's got the puck. A cool name goes a long way. And speaking of names . . Girls' Names- The pens are saddled with too many girls. Marian, Maxime (too close to Maxine), and the either-ors: Jordan, Tyler, Kris, Sidney. We need more manly-man names. Deal with the Devil - Come on, you know it's true. They wear red. They have some sort of evil flying wheel thing on their jerseys. They have Scotty Bowman. So you see, it's not all our fault. Congrats, Red Wings. I still love you, Pens.

Jami Throws Her Gloves

Hey, JIM MCKEE, yeah, I'm talkin' to you! You think your evil Wings can beat my beloved Pens? I think we need a blog-bet of some sort . . .or are those Wings chicken wings? See what I did there? It was a pun and an insult.

Jami and the Annoying Commercial

I am sure others have blogged about this in random places, but there is a commercial airing AGAIN this year that makes me crazy (crazier). It's for a local amusement park, Kennywood, and it starts with a nice voice-over man saying something like "if you're like me, the words 'KENNYWOOD'S OPEN' means that it's summer". No. NO NO NO! What idiot wrote and approved this ad?? To every native Pittsburgher, and probably plenty of transplants who have lived here a good while, "Kennywood's open" means that your fly is down. And, if someone is yelling it, as the person in the radio ad is, it means that your fly is down in front of a large group of people who are now laughing at you. So let's assume that some out-of-town agency scripted this masterpiece. They never heard anyone politely mutter "hey - Kennywood's open" so that they can inconspicuously fix the problem. Okay, but then someone at Kennywood must have approved it. Who works for Kennywood and doesn't know that?? It's just wrong. Please, people, write a more appropriate commercial that doesn't make you look so stupid. Thanks.

Jami Roots, Roots, Roots for the Home Team

Let's go Pens! I had a better idea for today. Had it all set in my head. And it's totally, totally gone. But I did wear out my welcome by staying at my parents' house all afternoon to watch the game in HD. If anyone is looking for a nice gift for me for my birthday (only 4 shopping months left) I'd sure like a nice huge flat HD television. Just a suggestion. Someone, quick, write a fun and catchy Penguins winning the Stanley Cup song for me to sing.

Jami Warns You About Pittsburgh Streets

Don't get me wrong. I love Pittsburgh, and I have no desire to live anywhere else. But, just a like a person, when you love a city, there are things you might not love. Like the roads and street-plans. Pittsburgh's roads look like they were laid out by someone exceptionally drunk who had never heard the word "grid". Sure, you can blame some of this on the hills, but not all of it. A few of my pet peeves:

• The streets that are two-way, then one-way, then two-way again. What was the thinking here? "okay, at this light, this road is now one-way, uh, let's say this way. Then up here, let's say you can go both directions again. That makes total sense."
• The 5 major two-to-four lane roads that all feed into one bridge at the exact same place, and you have to get in the correct lane (out of 4) at full speed by the end of the bridge, or you'll go to the wrong place. It's not like you can turn around easily, either.
• The places where on street parking turns two lane streets into one lane at random intervals.
• The drivers who feel the need to slow down and genuflect before entering a tunnel. The entrance isn't going anywhere. You could (and I'm not recommending this) speed up, because they can't pull you over when you're in a tunnel, so just go. Why do you slow down??
• The potholes that are so large that my car might actually fit into them.

So there you have it. Your guide to the insane driving issues in Pittsburgh. Just remember - you can't get there from here.

Here's a little look at a typical Pittsburgh neighborhood. Keep in mind, some of these roads are one-way. You'll have to x out the bubble, I couldn't figure out how to not make it do that. Note the many loops and random, curving dead ends.

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Pittsburgh Pride

You are 100% Pittsburgh.

 

Great job! There's nooooo doubt about it. You're from Da Burgh. You deserve a reward, so go have an Ahrn City or two. And GO STILLERS!

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I doubt you'd expect any less from a third generation (on both sides) Pittsburgher who loves it here. Thanks to PW for the link.