Jami Tries to Maintain Sanity

This is the sort of thing that drives parents over the edge. In a parenting magazine I flipped through at a friend's house, an article on choking hazards says "Until your child is four, peel and quarter his grapes." That's right, peel and quarter his grapes. Now, we did cut up Eddie's grapes when he was smaller and those parents with children who don't chew properly should absolutely at least cut those suckers in half, but peel?? Until he's FOUR? Come on. Another magazine to which I used to have a subscription had, in the nutrition section, the suggestion that for children ages 1-2 wheat toast with peanut butter spread very thinly was an excellent source of protein and fiber. 20 pages later in the same issue of the same magazine, an article on deadly allergies mentioned that to prevent children from developing allergies and also to give them a better chance of survival if do have a reaction, certain things should be introduced later. Like peanuts and tree nuts which shouldn't be given to children until at least age 3. So, it's a great source of protein, but for goodness sake, don't actually feed your children that. Now, most of the moms I know strike a pretty good balance between the way-too-lenient and the nutso-over-safe. It's a tough walk, because of the advice, like the above, where you just don't know what to believe. I especially feel for new moms who maybe don't have a lot of experience with children and who don't have the mommy-friends to bring them back down to sanity when they feel the need to buy one of these or maybe even this (which looks cool, but please). They are the ones most likely to get sucked into the "DO THIS OR YOUR BABY WILL DIE!!" pitches and lose their minds. When did human babies become more fragile than cotton candy? On the other hand, if you need one of these to remind you that your own child is in your freaking car, you should not be reproducing. If you can't remember that you have your kid, you shouldn't have one. Just my personal opinion.

Jami Has a Giggle

Today, in the 7-11, while one clerk waited on me, the other read over an application someone had just handed him. He nodded as he perused the first part then frowned. The following is the honest-to-goodness exchange between the clerks that followed: "I hate it when their only references are their mom and their parole officer." "Another one?" "Yeah, but other than that it's a good one." And that's all I have to say about that.

Jami Versus Sinus Pain

Sigh, so all last week, we're crazy-busy, plus Eddie and the Husband had colds. Which basically meant, nothing except the bare minimum got done. We all have clean socks and undies and we're eating off of clean plates. But that's about it. Therefore, when my mom offered to take Eddie for a few hours while the Husband works, I saw a Golden Opportunity - a chance to clean the house without interruption and/or a toddler clinging to me screaming about wanting to "help". Of course, I woke up with apparently 50 pounds of fluid in my sinuses. I'm totally fine, as long as I move slowly and don't tilt my head forward. Ever try to clean your house without looking down? It's darned difficult. The pattern has been - work for 20 minutes or so at super-snail pace, until the pounding in my end gets to the "my eyes are about to pop out" level, then laying down with a hot compress on my head (this is the phase I'm in now - blogging on my back). The Husband, after watching this for the few minutes before he left, finally asked "What are you doing?" Emptying the dishwasher without leaning forward was a challenge and apparently looked bizarre. He ordered me to the couch, but I have to admit that not taking this chance to get something done is almost as unpleasant as the construction going on in my brain. So here I go again, to inch my way to scrub the bathroom. I may have to skip the toilet, I can't envision how one cleans that without leaning forward.

Jami's Son Survives an Attack

In our own backyard, the beast stalked and attacked my poor defenseless boy - do you see now why I hate nature? Yes, Eddie got his first bee sting today and to make matters worse, it was on his bottom lip. His lip swelled up so fast he looked like that guy from the Fat Albert show who talks funny. Two Popsicles, some benedryl and a ton of tears (from both of us) later, he's fine. We also attended a surprise pizza party for his Pop-Pop's retirement and the pizza and the subsequent cookie at the store went quite a good way toward leaving his troubles behind. His lip's back to almost normal, and although he told me that he's never going outside again, because that's where the bees live, I think we'll both recover.

Jami Throws Her Gloves

Hey, JIM MCKEE, yeah, I'm talkin' to you! You think your evil Wings can beat my beloved Pens? I think we need a blog-bet of some sort . . .or are those Wings chicken wings? See what I did there? It was a pun and an insult.

Jami and the Annoying Little Photos

I know, I know, I sort of have a bit of a theme going here, but. . . Will someone please explain the point of the "keepsake" size photos they force you to take with any package at the various portrait studios? I have to wonder who even came up with this idea; I can't imagine people saying "you know, these wallet sized pictures are just far too big. I sure wish I had something really tiny." What on earth is the point of these itty-bitty pics? I know what you're thinking: They are great for lockets, like the beautiful one you got for Mothers' Day. And you're absolutely right. But what the *&%$$# am I supposed to do with the other 23 that came with the package? Give them to the grandparents who won't be able to even see the picture without a viewing device? Give them to friends who will do what with them?? And yes, I am aware that they sell tiny little frames for them and ornaments you can put them in and whatnot, but that's only because no one could figure out what else to do with those little suckers. Hey, Portrait Studios - do people ever order extra sheets of the "keepsake size"? No, and you know why? No one wants them. Give me 8 wallets for my 24 keepsakes. Give me ONE normal size picture.

Jami, Woman of Mystery. Or Not

The other day, someone totally accidentally offended me. And did so in a way they probably meant as a bit of a compliment. In a conversation about people who were struggling with things, a woman who knows me at the slightly-better-than-acquaintance level said "That doesn't really apply to you, because you were fine" (referring to this past year or so). She meant well, I'm sure, but I felt slighted and at the time didn't really even know why. It's because I wasn't always fine. And I don't know, I guess I'm a bit insulted that someone would assume, that just because I don't walk around wailing and broadcasting my pain that I don't have it. Who are you to presume you know my heart? I see you once a month or so, and therefore you know that I didn't struggle? Or, do you think that my problems aren't as bad as yours or others' so therefore, my pain doesn't "count"? I jump to conclusions as much as anyone alive and I'm sure I've misjudged more than my fair share of people. And as a fairly open person, I don't have big ugly secrets and I don't act mysterious about my plans. In fact, the thing I am most likely to not tell you is when I'm down. Or hurt. Or scared. Or sad. But that doesn't mean that I never am.

Jami and the Annoying Phrase

I lose stuff. It's because I have the ADD and set something down without realizing where I'm setting it and the next thing you know I can't find my keys, because they're in the veggie bin in the fridge (that only happened once). Losing stuff is frustrating, but I am getting better. I have a hook for the keys and they do end up there about 80% of the time. But that's not the point. The only thing that annoys me more than not being able to find my (fill in the blank: shoes, purse, phone, glasses, toddler) is when someone says "It's always in the last place you look." Of course it's in the last place you look because once you find it (stay with me here) you stop looking. Therefore you don't look in any additional places. Even if it's in the first place you look, that's still the last place you looked because you found it, so you didn't look anywhere else. Why would you?? I don't get this saying at all. I could understand "It's always in the last place you think it would be" or "It's always in the last place you'd expect" or something, but to tell me it's always in the last place you look is like saying "it's always where it is". I don't know why this doesn't occur to everyone, so I'm just telling you. Next time someone tells you about a day spent searching for their _____only to find it in the ______, just say "I wouldn't have expected to find it there." Please, with all the stupidity in this world, don't add to it by repeating the obvious. Thanks so much.

Jami and the Annoying Commercial

I am sure others have blogged about this in random places, but there is a commercial airing AGAIN this year that makes me crazy (crazier). It's for a local amusement park, Kennywood, and it starts with a nice voice-over man saying something like "if you're like me, the words 'KENNYWOOD'S OPEN' means that it's summer". No. NO NO NO! What idiot wrote and approved this ad?? To every native Pittsburgher, and probably plenty of transplants who have lived here a good while, "Kennywood's open" means that your fly is down. And, if someone is yelling it, as the person in the radio ad is, it means that your fly is down in front of a large group of people who are now laughing at you. So let's assume that some out-of-town agency scripted this masterpiece. They never heard anyone politely mutter "hey - Kennywood's open" so that they can inconspicuously fix the problem. Okay, but then someone at Kennywood must have approved it. Who works for Kennywood and doesn't know that?? It's just wrong. Please, people, write a more appropriate commercial that doesn't make you look so stupid. Thanks.

Jami and the Great New Game

My brilliant and adorable son created what may be the greatest game of all time. Definitely the greatest game every invented by a toddler. It's called "Mommy Track" and it involves me lying on the floor with my arms out either Superman style or out to my sides. Then Eddie drives various trains up and down my legs, back, and arms. I love this game. This game is awesome because:

• I get to lie motionless on the floor.
• I am not required to make any weird noises (like "vroom vroom" or "oink!")
• I can surreptitiously read a book or even watch TV while playing with Eddie.
• I effectively get a nice little mini-massage.

Of course, because I adore this great new game, I'm sure Eddie will be tired of it in the next day or less. But I intend to enjoy it while it lasts. It's a great game.

Jami Loves Eddie

Ode to Eddie My baby is the most perfect child to ever grace this Earth. My child is the sweetest boy to which humans have given birth. My son is the smartest child in all of humankind, The most talented toddler anyone will ever find. My boy is so beautiful that strangers stop and stare and when they talk, they compliment his smile, eyes and hair. My child is well-mannered, gentle, kind and good. He does what other mothers wish their children would. So yes, my son is wonderful, in every single way, And I am thankful for him on this and every day. This poem was written while I pretended not to notice that he was pulling down all 150 books out of my bookshelves and scattering them around my dining room.

Jami And the Fun Music Meme

Thanks to PaperbackWriter who always seems to find these fun things : Soundtrack to the Movie of Your Life 1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, lime wire, pandora radio, etc) 2. Put it on shuffle 3. Press play 4. For every question, type the song that's playing 5. When you go to a new question, press the next button 6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool.. Opening Credits: Skin is Burning - Burlap to Cashmere This is a little known group that I love, a very "world music" meets rock sound. Good to start it all up. Waking Up: Dr. Laura Program for May 1 - Dr Laura Schlessinger Could be the alarm clock setting? First Day At School: Lucky Ball and Chain - They Might Be Giants This one was also on PW's post, but more appropriately located. Falling In Love: These Thousands Hills - Third Day Not at all a love song. Fight Song: All in My Head - Shawn Mullins Very interesting . .. . Breaking Up: Home - from the Broadway Musical Beauty and the Beast. more of a pre-falling in love song, but okey-doke Prom: Song for the Asking - Simon and Garfunkel Definitely not played at my actual prom Life's OK: Polkarama - Weird Al Finally one that is totally accurate. Mental Breakdown: All Fall Down - Grits That's a good one Driving: Who Needs Love Like That? - Erasure Yes! Flashback: O Holy Night - Point of Grace Apparently I flashbacked all the way to the birth of Christ. Getting Back Together: We Want a Rock - They Might Be Giants hmm. Birth of Child: Hooch - Everything Well that's just wrong. Although if I was in labor, I might be looking to pass the freshy-freshy, I guess, if legal drugs were unavailable Wedding: You Picked Me - a Fine Frenzy Ha! Final Battle: Waterloo - ABBA Now that's just silly, in a weirdly correct way. Death Scene: Everybody Hurts - R.E.M That's a pretty good choice. Funeral Song: It's Alright - the Pet Shop Boys What? No it isn't!! End Credits: Amazed - Lone Star Oooh, now that's a good closing credit. Must have been a great movie. So there ya go, for whatever that's worth. I am not at all sure what it's supposed to mean about me, but it was fun to do.

Jami Shouts Out to Fellow Mothers

Hey ladies! It's our day! I love being a mom and I hope you do, too (assuming you are one). I also admire the people who choose not to have children because they know they just aren't in that place. Wanting a baby because you waaaaaant it is a bad plan. I cringe at the women who have one purposely without a father that's going to be around because they want to be a mommy. It's denying your kid a daddy and that's selfish, and you're off to a bad start. Motherhood is a 24/7 exercise in selflessness and sacrifice. It's stressful, sticky, smelly, exhausting, physically demanding, mentally challenging, emotionally draining, and the most rewarding job and the most fun you can have. Happy Mothers' Day, fellow Mommies. Have a great day!

Jami and Will

If you haven't read my blog much, you might not be aware that I adore Will Smith. Mmmm, Will Smith . . . . I, uh, what was I saying? Oh yeah. So the Husband manages a video store, and the movie "I Am Legend" was out recently. It came to the store with a nice tall Will Smith stand-up. I called dibs on it and began looking for good places to put it as soon as I saw it. So, imagine my horror when I heard the assistant manager mention that the guy who'd asked for it had picked it up! "Picked it up as in lifted it?" I asked the Husband hopefully, "And then put it immediately back down?" Alas, no! He had given away my Will. A weaker woman might have wept, but I held it together. The next day - surprise! Will is in my house!! Another store had given us their Will! Now, he's not totally life-size, but still. The dilemma became: Where to put him? I felt on the ceiling of the bedroom might be a bit disrespectful to the Husband, though he claims he wouldn't mind. The living room would be great, but to be totally honest, a 5-foot Will doesn't really "go" with the decor. So Will's on the wall in the bedroom, held up by oodles of super-strength double-sided tape. He's right in front of where the treadmill unfolds so that when I'm walking, I'm heading for Will. If I get nice and skinny, it'll be thanks to him. Well, goodnight, folks. I'm going to go up snuggle into my comforter and gaze lovingly at Will. . . ..

Jami Rereads a Book

I love to read and the books I really enjoy, I'll read over and over. There are books that I have probably read 10 time that I still cry at the sad parts and giggle out loud at the funny parts. I like a good story and it's okay if I know it. When I find an author I like, I tend to "out-read" him/her, that is, to read everything I can find that he/she has written until I'm caught up and waiting for more. I have several authors that I tend to buy (used) because I know I'll keep reading them. That's not the point of this post, just getting us on the same page. A couple days ago, Eddie had gotten enough into his trains that he wouldn't notice if I stopped pushing my one assigned train and read. However, the book I am currently trying to find time to read waited for me downstairs, meaning that to get it, I'd have to stand up and walk out of the room, drawing attention to the fact that I'd stopped playing trains. In my reach, on the upstairs bookcase, sat a book by one of my favorite authors, albeit the one book by her that I didn't like. It'd been so long since the last time I read it, I couldn't remember why I hadn't liked it. I'm not going to tell you the title or author, because that's not the point of this story, either. I picked it up, figuring it would keep me entertained for whatever brief time I had and then when I reached the point where I remembered why I hadn't liked it, I'd put it back. But, I never reached that point. I read the thing, cover to cover, in a couple of days. I really enjoyed the story, even when I got around to remembering the ending, just a chapter or so before I got there. So what happened the previous reading? I don't know, but I have some guesses. The author is generally reputed as writing comedic novels and this story wasn't funny. I mean, a few places where I chuckled, but not a hilarious romp through anything. Maybe I'd started it expecting a good laugh and been disappointed, so I'd missed the goodness of the story. I can tell you that it's probably been 5 years since I first read it, and I'm a different me than I was before Eddie was born, before I became a full-time Mommy, before some of the other things that I've experienced in that time. Maybe I just wasn't ready for the story then and now I am. It makes me wonder what things in life we experienced at just the wrong time. If I hadn't bought this book, just borrowed it from the library and returned it, I'd never have read it again, and I wouldn't know that it really is a good story. What other books or movies or places or people have I come across when I had the wrong attitude or expectations or emotions or maturity? How can I ever know?

Jami Roots, Roots, Roots for the Home Team

Let's go Pens! I had a better idea for today. Had it all set in my head. And it's totally, totally gone. But I did wear out my welcome by staying at my parents' house all afternoon to watch the game in HD. If anyone is looking for a nice gift for me for my birthday (only 4 shopping months left) I'd sure like a nice huge flat HD television. Just a suggestion. Someone, quick, write a fun and catchy Penguins winning the Stanley Cup song for me to sing.

Jami's Cooking Tips

Hey, guess what? If you put a potato in the oven and don't stick it with a fork a few times, it really does explode. No fatalities have been reported, - except the potato, of course - and no injuries, except that now the Husband gets a potato and I don't. Happy Friday.

Jami Weather, or Not

Weather people on the news take a pretty bad rap. People blame them for bad weather and for being wrong, when basically, it's not always their fault. Unlike many sciences, it seems meteorology seems to have sort of stopped in the forward progress as far as predictions go. I mean, we have these fantastic satellites that allow the newspersons to tell us what streets in a particular neighborhood the storm is hitting hardest, but they'll be darned if they can guess where it's going next. My biggest beef with the weather reporting is "Partly cloudy with a chance of rain". That's the biggest cop-out ever. I mean, it's like saying "There will probably be some clouds somewhere and it might rain, but, you know might not." All your bases are covered, you almost can't be wrong on that one. I guess that's my next career path. Partly successful with a chance at stardom. Pat Sajak started out in the weather, and look at him now. Partly solved with a chance of vowels. I actually knew a guy who had his degree in meteorology. His goal was not to be an on-air person, but instead to be the guy who wrote the report. I'm not sure this is something that I'd long for, but hey, it floated his boat. His problem? At the time I knew him, the local news channels only were accepting people with Masters degrees in meteorology for their weather teams. SIX years of school, apparently, is required to write "Partly cloudy with a chance of rain." So I guess I'm not qualified. Partly educated with a chance of inexperience.