Jami Weighs In

Howdy folks, my apologies for being gone a week. The next couple are going to be busy ones indeed, so we might be missing each other more often than I'd like. Anyway . . . EDW's post here about her weight reminded me that I've often thought about posting about my own. The truth is, I don't know what I weigh. I have a general idea, but when I did weigh myself, I got obsessed with the number, not the health. I soared or crashed over tenths of a pound, sometimes getting on the scale several times a day. Not a good thing. I get on the scale once a year, at the doctor's office. I have not had a lifelong struggle with weight that others have, or at least not the same way. See, until I was 18, I was the skinny girl. Really skinny. Even, I have to say looking at some of the pictures, unhealthy looking, though I wasn't doing anything to keep the weight off - just fast metabolism. I ate, and ate and ate and ate, mostly the bad stuff. Almost no veggies, especially none of the green ones. Carbs like crazy and soda until I fizzed. And still, when I graduated high school, I weighed 108 pounds, and stood 5'7". And I hated the way I looked. Yes, I know that every teen is insecure about their bodies, and maybe I'd have felt that way even with the body of any current teen popstar, but I've never forgotten how I felt looking at all the other girls, filling out and looking more feminine, even the heavy ones, while I retained the same figure I'd had at 8. I couldn't feel beautiful in any dress, with no cleavage and no curves. Fat girls might be fat,but at least you can tell they're girls. I'd put on a bathing suit and think, "this might as well be wrapped around a stick." I am sure that if you were the fat girl in school, you find it hard to believe that it was painful to be the skinny girl. That while you were eating that Twinky to feel better, so was I. I got teased, too, and it hurt as much. I tried on clothes and cried, too. I looked at the cheerleaders and hated them, too. About halfway between 18 and 19, my metabolism, probably tired after 18 years of going double-speed, all but ground to a halt. I filled out, then got fat. Several things combined to make this happen: 1. At first, I loved that I was gaining weight and I definitely wasn't going to stop the process that was finally making me feel hot. 2. I love to eat. 3. I hate to exercise. 4. I was in college and the cafeteria offered a variety of tasty starch/grease/fat filled foods. And I saw one of the special ed kids put his licked finger back into every contain in the salad bar, so that was out, forever. 5. I am a comfort-eater and it was my first year of school. So, before I knew it, I'd passed up "hot", gone to "jiggly", then "chunky" then Moo. But here's the thing, while I had the odd moment of "oh man, I'm fat", mostly I felt pretty good. I am certain that a good part if that can be attributed to my maturing and growing into myself. There were times I tried to drop some weight, but always for the wrong reasons and often the wrong way. It never "took" because my heart wasn't in it. I didn't want to be that skinny girl again. I hated her body and I love this one. Now I've dropped two pants sizes and feel pretty good about it. I have done it not because I want to be skinny, but because I want to be in good health for my family. I have been eating a little smarter and exercising more. I'm never going to be that skinny girl again, but I'm getting back to super-smoking hot. I mean, I'm already adorable, a few more pounds off and I'll be unstoppable. Interestingly, the Husband met me when I looked like the stick and proposed when I jiggled all over - he claims to think I'm hot no matter what. And that's what's important to me.