Jami, a Feminist? Part 1 - What's in a Name?

You know how sometimes a certain topic seems to become a theme in your life? Feminism is one of those things that seems to pop up with some regularity and often in unexpected places. It's a term that I think has gotten so over-used and twisted that I really started to hate it. So let me just take a quick moment to explain my personal POV on this: Feminism, in its original form, was about bring women to equal status with men in regards to rights and employment. And I am totally down with that. Everything over, above and beyond that is often doing our gender more harm than good, in my personal and not-at-all-humble opinion. Believe me, I've put thought into this. So let's start with . . . Maiden Names/Married Names and the whole Miss-Mrs.-Ms thing. First, allow me to clarify that what you do with your name is your business and I personally don't give a toot in a windstorm. Call yourself The High Holiness Hoopmadingle if it tickles you. Go with an unpronounceable symbol, Artist Once Again Known As Prince. Have one name, Cher or four (like me!). Don't care. I like my maiden name. It's pronounceable, spellable, middle of the alphabet (so I never had to be first or last when we went that way in school - the design of my W-maiden-named mom). In my high school/college years, I pondered the implications of changing it when I married. How could I leave "me" behind to be someone else? I like me. I think family is important - how will others know I am so-and-so's daughter or sister if my last name is different? I am a (blank) and always will be. Oh sure, I doodled my potential married name in notebooks when I had a crush "Mrs. Jami Lynn Boy-of-the-Week" but that's not really serious. At a friend's wedding, I overheard another guest loudly declaring how "proud" she was that the bride planned to keep her maiden name. She talked about what a shame it is that "so many women today who you think 'get it' just give up their identities when they get married". I didn't chime in, though by that point I was married and had indeed chosen to take the Husband's last name. Lose my identity? Am I no longer me because the last part of my name has changed? If your sense of who you are rests on your surname, how sure of yourself are you? She went on about how women just changed their names out of a "knee-jerk reaction to our society's expectations". The more I listened to her, the more I assumed she didn't change her name out of pure knee-jerk not-really-feminism. Where was her thought behind it? She offered no reasoning behind her ideas, just that it was bad. It makes sense to me for women who are well known in their profession to keep their maiden names in the business world. I worked with a woman who was Ms X at the office and Mrs. Y in her personal life. Worked fine for her and her husband. But, as I thought about it, talked to others about it and looked ahead into the I hoped to have, the decision to add my Husband's last name to the end of my own seemed easy and obvious. Here's why: 1. I'm not just marrying a man, I'm marrying into a family. You don't just get the guy, you get his parents and siblings and cousins and whatever. Now, this goes the other way, too, but it's a privilege to me to be identified as a member of his family. I'd think twice if I hated his folks so much I couldn't stand to be called by their name. 2. We are starting a new family. I want us to be identified as a family. I didn't want my kids to have different last names from at least one of their parents. I don't want to go to their schools and clubs and events and repeatedly explain, yes, I am the mom and my husband is their dad, but we have different names. I want to be able to sign cards "Love, the X's" not "Love, Mr. X, Ms Y, and little X-Y". I'm not opposed to married couples picking a new name together. Or the man taking the woman's surname if they both are down with that. I just think a family should have a name, not several names. 3. What you call me doesn't change the person I am. Even if my last name became Hitler-Mao-Stalin-Hussein, I'm still me. If I am willing to stand up before God, family and friends and declare that this is the man I commit to spending my life with, how unimportant is the little matter of a name? I proudly wear the banner of the decision I made. My main thing is that it should be a decision you make both rationally and together. If you are both on totally different pages about the name thing, is it a one-issue-wonder or do you have divergent goals and ideas of what the marriage will be? Better figure that out. And, as for the Mrs./Miss/Ms - Here's the deal ladies - is it sexist that our designation indicates married or not while the nice generic "Mister" doesn't? Probably. Get over it. If you wear a wedding ring, people can figure it out. "Oh, you're 'Ms Smith'? How will I ever determine if you're married or not??" Isn't that one of those things you tend to find out about someone fairly early on? If it's a secret that you're married, you probably shouldn't be. If you're not married - good for you, you're probably discriminating. So suck it up and be what you are.