Jami Cries It Out

I have an 18-month old who still gets up once in the middle of the night, and gets nursed and rocked back to sleep. My older son was rocked to sleep until he was almost 20 months old, and then again when he moved to the bed at age 3 - more rocking to sleep. If I mention these facts to people, I am often advised about the idea of "crying it out" or "Ferberizing" (which by the way, is a bit bastardized from what Dr. Ferber intended) and, as politely as possible, I change the subject. Because I hate the idea of babies left to cry.

I'm blogging about this today because yesterday I heard a most profound assessment of the idea on a very unlikely place - Law and Order: UK. I love the L&Os and while I can't watch SVU after having children, the rest are quality watching. The BBC's one is especially fun because it recycles old original episodes, but tweaks them. Good fun. Anyhow, several of the police officers were discussing the merits of crying it out. One said that it teaches babies to sleep on their own, and another replied that it merely teaches them that Mommy and Daddy aren't coming no matter how hard they cry, and that crying is their only way to communicate (which is true, but not the profound part). Then he said to another officer: "I wouldn't leave you in a room alone if I saw you crying." And BINGO - that is exactly what I had been trying to get across to people. It's simple compassion. I hope that if I were sitting alone crying and you could hear me from the next room, you would at least pop your head in and ask what's wrong. You might even come sit next to me and put your hand on my shoulder or arm. If I said, "I'm just lonely and I don't want to be alone right now" wouldn't you stay with me? If a baby is crying in his crib in the middle of the night, in the dark and without the capability to understand that you are just in the next room, how can you say "Oh, just let him cry until he's so exhausted he falls asleep" and not realize you are doing the same thing?

I'm not saying that I instant scoop the baby up when he makes the faintest noise, in fact, when he cries at night, I listen for a few minutes to see if he is going back to sleep, which he sometimes does. Then, if he isn't going to sleep, I get up, use the bathroom and usually get a drink of water before I get him, because I'll need both of those if I'm going to nurse and rock him.

When Eddie was old enough to understand what I was saying, I started using the Five Minute Method, which worked very well for him and, in my opinion, reinforced the idea that he was not going to be abandoned to cry it out alone, no matter what. There is plenty of debate about crying it out and a ton of research supporting both sides, really. I would say that IMO, the research shows that "normal" cry it out babies (not the ones who are allowed to cry for hours, unattended, regularly) have no long term damage, however I also think that the studies so that it is a very stressful and generally unnecessary event. I believe that most parents want to do what is best for their child, to the best of their ability. I imagine that most babies who have been through crying it out are just fine. But that doesn't mean it's right for our family.

Jami Gets a Time Out

It's 11:30pm and I'm enjoying the sound of my typing, because normally I can't hear it. Usually when I am trying to get something done on the computer, Sesame Street is blaring in the background and both boys have decided that although they've been completely engrossed in whatever activity they've been doing and they begged to watch Sesame Street - they need my immediate and undivided attention. But now, both boys are sleeping, the Husband is getting ready for bed and I get a few moments with the TV off and just the soothing clickety-clack of my thoughts being committed to computer screen. Ahhhhh. Today I woke up annoyed. No real reason, even got more sleep than most nights, but none-the-less, I woke up already with my back up. A few minor Argh moments didn't help: car wouldn't start, kids not cooperative, tripped on the stairs and skinned my knee - twice. Good things happened, too, as is usually the case for those who look for them. Father-in-law fixed the car, kids played together, nice sunny day (even if it was too cold). But I couldn't shake the blahs. After dinner when I looked at the dishes on the table and thought about trying to put it all away while the baby screamed to be nursed, I decided I needed to go into Time Out. I sent myself to my room. In the dark, quiet room I crawled into my bed and wrapped my Woobie around my head. Instant relief. I never got it before. Never had a particular lovey or blankey or stuffed thing growing up. But somehow ended up with a Woobie as an adult and now I get it. I could have thrown the blankets up over my head, same basic effect, but it wouldn't have been my Woobie, and it wouldn't have worked as well. 15 minutes in the bed with the Woobie blocking out the world and I felt 100% better. Went downstairs to find that the Husband and boys (but mostly husband) had cleaned up after dinner! It's the magic of the Woobie. To read the story of me getting my Woobie as an adult, see here and here.

Jami Recommends Melty Cheese

Thought I'd change gears here from birthin' babies of the last few posts to something truly important: grilled cheese sandwiches. I love grilled cheeses. They may be one of nature's most perfect food. They are fairly hard to mess up, too. Even though there is nothing wrong with the basic, buttered white bread with American cheese in the middle, I thought I'd post a few of my favorite recipes, and so improve your world. And I made up names for them. Unless otherwise mentioned I use generic wheat bread, and I butter the bread, no sprays here. Columbus Day Special (Italy meets America) This one is great with Italian bread, too. After you butter the bread, sprinkle it with garlic salt. Inside: several slices of sandwich pepperoni with American cheese on both sides. Gooey with a Kick 1 slice pepperjack cheese, 1 slice Velveeta. I like to put a pot lid over this to ensure it gets very melty. God bless the inventor of Velveeta. Fancy Schmancy Do this one when you have impressively healthy bread and call it a health food - instead of butter, use olive oil and sprinkle with oregano. Inside, use provolone and an additional dash of oregano. Sunrise in My Hammy (a breakfast grilled cheese) Standard outside; layer the inside like this: American cheese, chipped ham, fried egg, bacon, American cheese. This is a challenge to flip, since the layers aren't all held together with cheese. If you don't know what chipped ham is, come visit Pittsburgh. Feel free to share your favorites! Bon Appetit

Jami Corrects Some Falsehoods, Part II

Okay, meant to get back to this sooner, but here are a few more not-quite-true things I have heard at births, and one another doula recently heard and related to me. Your digestive system stops when your contractions start - that's why you can't have anything by mouth. Wow. Where to start on this one. 1. Your body can and does digest food while you are in labor. This is why women may poo while delivering, because their body has been processing whatever is in there. It's why they get hungry. Now, it IS true that plenty of laboring women puke at some point during labor, so it's wise to consider that when making food choices (such as: chicken soup = good, spicy loaded nachos = maybe not so much). 2. The reason most hospitals won't let you have anything by mouth is for the chance that you might have to have a cesarean section and if you do, it might be so bad that you have to be put under general anesthesia and you might in that circumstance vomit while under and you might in that case aspirate some of the vomit. Also, one nurse told me candidly "We don't want to worry about women throwing up, it's gross." The sad thing is your body is doing hard work and just like you wouldn't run a race without fueling properly, you shouldn't ignore the signals you are getting to feed yourself when you are doing that sort of work. You have to have an IV to give birth - you might need fluids. Oh yes. this came from a woman who has had children and was shocked to hear that some women don't want an IV in. I personally have no problem with hospital using a heparin lock if it means they feel better about it, but you know what - lots and lots and lots of women have had healthy babies without an IV attached to them. Turns out if you need fluids, you can actually correct that situation by drinking some water, juice or even Gatorade - actually most fluids will work. Your body can only get so far on its own and then you need Pitocin to finish it. This is the one I got secondhand, but had to mention it. Good grief people, really?? Do you think the billions of people born in this word before the invention of pitocin or in places where it's not available are imaginary? Sigh. I can't even go on for this one. And finally a qualified half-truth: Epidurals make the birth go faster. Well - they can. Or they can slow you down and even stop your labor. In the past 2 weeks, I've been to 2 births without epidurals. Both labors were less than 12 hours total and both pushed for less than 20 minutes. Healthy babies, healthy mamas. I was at a birth with an epidural (not mine) which lasted more than 12 hours after the epidural, which came more than 12 hours into the birth and there were several hours of pushing. I've seen women without epidurals push over an hour, I've seen women with epidurals push 20 minutes. Epidurals aren't bad or good. They are a tool and used properly can greatly improve a situation; misused can cause some problems. Might do some more another time, hope you feel better educated!

Jami Corrects Some Falsehoods, The Beginning of a Series

Hello dear readers! As you might know if you're on FaceBook, I have given up the games for Lent, meaning I have more computer-fooling-around time. You probably also know that I am a birth doula and I'm all about the healthy, happy births. So, combining my love of blogging with my love of birthing (especially when not the one actually pushing the baby out) I present to you a several part series... Totally Wrong Things I've Heard People Say About Birth In this series, I will take statements real-live people have said to me about the birthing process and explain why they are wrong and often ridiculous. You shouldn't read/take classes/look on the Internet because the more you see/hear the more scared you'll make yourself. I am doing this one first because it is just so very, completely and totally inaccurate. Now, you shouldn't dwell on reading all the bazillion things that can go wrong, especially the extremely rare ones, but knowing about what your body does during labor and delivery makes the process less scary. Let's look at it from a different perspective - you're going to go into a haunted house around Halloween (the fun kind, not a "real" haunted house) and I said to you, "As you go around the first corner, a man in a mask jumps out and yells. The second door on the right will fly open and a fake bat on wire will zip out. " and so on. You might still jump when you're startled or you might think the guy's mask is scary looking, but knowing what is coming makes it less scary, right? Same basic idea. Or, look at it this way - if I tell you that I'm about to smack you and you're ready for it, it's going to be a lot less traumatic than if I just walk up to you and swat you a good one, even if the force of the blow is the same. Everyone is groggy after they give birth and you'll be more groggy if you don't have any pain medication. Wow. So not true and said by an otherwise intelligent and very good nurse. Some women might feel in a bit of a fog after giving birth, but certainly not everyone, and women who do it without pain meds are whatever the opposite of groggy is. If you've never seen a woman give birth without accepting pain medication, let me tell you -what they are is sort of giddy and sometimes hyper-alert. They might be tired, relieved, hungry, but never, never groggy, not in my experience. You should schedule an induction so you get the doctor you like best. Whooo boy. Several things wrong with this. First of all, being induced doesn't guarantee your time line for your birth. My own personal experience bears that out, I went through 4 shifts of health care providers, so even if I had gone in to have the one I liked best, she'd have been loooooong gone by the time my kid popped out. Second, inductions fail; then most likely you end up in a cesarean section, which means more complications, longer recovery and higher risk to you and your baby. Third, babies induced before they are fully cooked can have higher rates of various problems. Fourth, induction generally means Pitocin - and Pitocin contractions can be a bit more intense than the ones your body does on its own. Not always, but can be. Being induced is a necessity in some cases, but you might not get the outcome you want - is it worth the risk? Besides at most hospitals you will see your doctor a few minutes every few hours. Your doctor isn't going to be hanging out in your room with you, so if you get the one you don't like as much, you're not going to see him/her much, anyway. So that's part one, we'll address some more myths and mistaken statements in the next several days, and I'd love for anyone else to contribute who has heard these prevalent fallacies.

Jami and the Day the Cabinets Fell

The whole family was sitting on the couch when we heard a bangity-bang-bang noise from the kitchen. The Husband and I jumped up and ran in to find two of the kitchen cabinets on the floor, spilling their kitchen-y guts on the floor. The bangity part was the middle cabinet falling off of the wall, and the bang-bang was it pulling the right cabinet along with it, which also bounced off the counter on the way down. My first words: "Oh no! My iPod!" because it had been in its speaker dock on the counter. But it's totally fine. In fact, almost everything is totally fine. Besides the holes in the wall and the cabinets sitting on the kitchen floor, after the clean up, the casualty list is shockingly short: the lid on the corn syrup bottle cracked. 1 fake tupperware lid broke. Some baking soda spilled. Our stove-top corn popper has a smallish dent and the really old filthy thing that the Husband made years ago to marinade meat "properly" (don't ask) is destroyed. And that's it. As I cleaned it up, I realized that the middle cabinet (the one that fell) had been bolted to the one on the right. The middle one had empty tupperware in it. The one on the right, all the baking stuff (baking soda, vanilla, sprinkles, brown sugar). Had it been bolted to the other side - that one has all heavy glass mugs and then wine and water goblets. This might be enough to convince some people that God was watching out for us today, but let me lay the rest on you: - I cooked lunch an hour earlier today, because I hadn't had time to eat breakfast and I was starving. Normally, I would have been standing in front of that cabinet when it fell. - The Husband wasn't working today, so I would have been home alone with the kids. - When I'm cooking, Finn likes to play on the floor next to me, where the heavier cabinet ended up. - Because I wasn't cooking, the burners were all off, and the middle cabinet which was right above it, didn't drop its contents onto a lit stove. - Since we'd eaten early and already finished clean up, the dishwasher was moved off to the side where it hooks in to run, or it would have been in the path of the cabinet. SO - on a normal Friday afternoon, Finn and I would have been in the kitchen cooking when the cabinet fell. The bigger one would have hit him, and the smaller one would have come across the burners and hit me, knocking me into the dishwasher. Eddie might or might not have been in the kitchen and no other adults would have been home. You might say it's a whole lot of lucky coincidences, but I don't put much stock in either luck or coincidence. On the upside, I hadn't cleaned out the baking cabinet in quite sometime because of its awkward position, and it was way easier to sort the contents out sitting on the floor. Both of the tops of them got the best cleaning ever, since even on the step stool I can't see the tops. And my iPod and the speakers are fine. Don't know why the cabinets fell (the Husband's dad is coming over and the menfolk can inspect it and deal with that), but I know Who was watching over us when they did.