Jami's Resolution Talk

I've probably mentioned before, I don't do New Year's Resolutions. I did, mostly in the high school years when I had enough awareness of things I needed to change and enough self-determination to actually make changes in my own life. To be honest, I can't even really remember any of the resolutions that I made, so I'm guessing there was nothing life-changing. My thinking in this matter is that if there is something change-worthy, why wait until the middle of winter? Change it right now. Of course, when you are reading this, it probably is around New Year's, but as much I do tend to procrastinate on things, when I decide to do something, I do it now. Pre-pregnancy, I decided to get into better shape. I started on Wednesday in the middle of June. When we made the decision to have another child, we made a plan and started the next cycle. When I chose to change my career, I signed up for very next class. You don't have to wait for a new week or month or year. You don't even have to wait for a new day, do it right now. If it's not something you can just jump into - sit down now - right now- and write out your plan. If I sound oddly urgent, it's because we both know that life is fleeting, unpredictable and so precious. Putting off something that you need or want to do is foolish. There is nothing special or magic about January 1st. Resolutions fail, no matter when you start them, and if you fall down, start again that day, not next January 1st. Instead of resolutions, I like goals. By this time next year, I will have. . . I will be . . . I won't . . . . This is the time of year we tend to take stock of ourselves and hopefully, look ahead. If we made New Year's wishes, mine for you would be: Do that thing you want to do, be the person you want to be. Because you can. Not just the first few weeks of January, but each day. You can do it, today. And I agree with Jim, it's twenty-ten.

Jami's Year 2009

Wow. Quite a year this one. I'm not going to do a month-by-month, but last year I started the year in a basically pointless job I intensely disliked. I had one adopted child and we were discussing having another. This year I have a job that is meaningful and I adore. I would (and have!) done it for free, that's how much I love this work. I have carried a child to term, given birth and so have a second son. The Steelers won the SuperBowl. Then the Penguins won the Stanley Cup. We had a great family vacation. I was part of a huge and ongoing struggle in our dear church family. We lost our beloved dog. We had a new nephew. Several friends got married, other friends got pregnant and/or had new babies. It's been a year of great struggles and great triumphs. I think I have laughed, cried, and been surprised more this year than any single one in memory. I've definitely learned and grown more in the past twelve months than I bargained for. I'm not a huge fan of living in the past. I cherish my memories, but I try not to dwell in them. This year will certainly be one that lives a long time in my mind, and I'm excited to see what is coming next. Based on this past year, my best guess is, nothing I'm expecting. Happy New Year!

Jami's Christmas 2009

Ah, our first Christmas as a family of four! Christmas Eve we had no problem getting Eddie to sleep as he'd been partying all day with family and friends, and of course, he had to get to sleep so the Big Guy in Red could stop by. We put out the special S shaped cookie he'd made, egg nog (the Husband told Eddie that Santa prefers it to milk) and an apple for reindeer. Christmas morning, I woke up at what I thought was just after 6, but was actually 8 am once I located my glasses. Finn wanted fed and Eddie was in the bathroom. Eddie was desperate to get downstairs, but managed to hold it together until Finn finished eating, Mommy brushed her teeth and put contacts in and Daddy got the video camera started. The two things he had repeatedly asked Santa for were a drum set and an orange teddy bear (not as easy to find as you might think). The large blanket covered present in front of the tree was indeed his drum set - as he started to lift it he said "I think I know what this is . I think I know! I think I know what this is!!!" When the drums were revealed, he said "yup. Drums. Now, where's my orange bear?" Confident in his Nice List status, I guess. He emptied his stocking, which contained the traditional gift of my childhood - underwear. I get this now, I mean, he needs it, so I'm gonna have to buy it anyway, right? Might as well buy the more fun colors and fill up that stocking. He actually insisted on trying them out and went up to change into the camo pair before finishing the unwrapping. Finn received far less, mostly because, let's face it - he doesn't care this year. Most importantly, of course, what did I get? The Husband got me pretty much everything I needed - new undies, as usual, but desperately needed this year after the pregnancy destroyed the elastic in almost all of mine. Seriously, it's a miracle I haven't had a pair fall out the bottom of my pants in pubic. Yet. He also got me the neoprene cover for my Wii Fit board and the Wii Fit plus game so that I don't need to stretch out these new undies! My parents are giving us a game room, labor done by my father, and that's the awesomest thing in the world, instead of more stuff - more room to put the stuff we already have! Including the kids! Yay!! Finn received a playgym from Grammy and Pop, which he digs the most. Seriously, this little dude is so into that thing I could go to the store and he wouldn't even notice - a nice change from having to amuse him every moment he's awake! Eddie got a giant pile of toys, of course, including a super fun train that follows any black line you draw on any paper, and a zhu zhu hamster he named Runny, because it runs. We had breakfast and lunch at my parents house, but after is the part I am most pleased with. Our church has a Christmas dinner, totally free to anyone who wants to come, or have it delivered. We deliver around 400 dinners to shut-ins in our area (not bad for a church of about 40 regular attenders) and serve about 100 in our fellowship hall. People who don't have family in the area come, or those who can't afford to make a nice dinner, or some just come to volunteer for awhile and then eat with someone who might not have a friend to eat with. My family traditionally shows up at the end of the meal time to do clean up. I wanted to take Eddie for a little while this year to see our family working and explain what it is and why we do it. I figured in the next few years he'll be old enough to help for a couple of hours, and this way he'll be familiar with it. I told the Husband to drop us off and take the presents home, figuring that by the time he got back, Eddie would be about done with "helping". Boy, was I wrong!! When we got there Eddie was provided with a bucket and sponge and started cleaning out the delivery coolers. He cleaned and stacked all the ones that came in - this took about the first hour. Then he bussed tables, including asking people who were still eating if he could have their plates! After that he helped wipe down tables, fold up the folding chairs to put away, and even got pretty psyched about mopping the kitchen floor. My little man worked from just after 4 until 6:40!! Yes, he took a cookie and juice break, but that's a long effort for a 4-year-old. I couldn't have been prouder, especially when he told me "this isn't fun, you know" and I explained that sometimes we do things that aren't fun because it's for a good reason. He said "Maybe the people who don't have Christmas dinner can go to Giant Eagle and buy one." We talked about the reasons they can't and then he said "Oh. Okay." and got back to work!! That was my best Christmas gift this year - my son carrying on our family's tradition of volunteering. Merry Christmas!

Jami - a Feminist? Part 2 - Wife and Mommy-hood

Feminism's great triumph is allowing women to pursue the career/employment of their choice. Be a doctor, a lawyer, an Indian chief (probably you can't just apply for that last one . . .). I'm glad that women don't have to quit their jobs as soon as the ring is on the finger and that it's not legal to pay anyone less for the same work based on gender (or race, or what have you). However, this "You CAN have a job outside the home" attitude began the downward spiral into a pressure that you should have outside employment. That somehow a woman who chooses (and isn't it all about choice?) to spend her time and energy and education running a household and caring for her family is somehow less - and this, I believe, did a grave disservice to us all. I am a stay-at-home mom, something I aspired to be long before I had a college degree or spouse. It just made sense to me that nothing I could do in the workforce is as meaningful as raising my own children and being the kind of parent I had. I am a wife, and that isn't just a state of being. You don't go through the ceremony and then your effort is over. I said "I do," so that's that! Wife-ing is work, and I'll be the first to admit I haven't always been great at it and I still often fail at being the wife I know the Husband deserves. I absolutely could not be the wife and mother I want to be if I had a full-time job. There is nothing demeaning or sexist about it. My career of choice is making my home a place where my husband and children want to be and are happy, healthy and safe. I can't do that job if I'm at some office 8 hours a day pushing paper. Won't happen. When my infant was fussy and needed to be held all day Thursday, I was there to do it. When my toddler struggles with a new concept, or is scared or hurt, I am there. When my husband leaves a stressful day at work, he has a comforting place to return to. Because that is my job. I am a wife. I am a mother. My education is not wasted by my choice. First, I don't believe it's ever a waste to learn, to improve your mind, to open new roads of thought. Second, I use my education as part of my career and you can, too. My job entails accounting, teaching, counseling, chemistry, time-management, interpersonal skills, detective work, grammar, acting, directing and more. My ethics and philosophy classes will come in handy as I mold my sons. I don't disrespect the women who choose to work outside the home. I hope they find the way to integrate their work and their personal lives so that they aren't missing the brief and irreplaceable moments in their family's lives. I do think that you are more likely to have struggles in your marriage if you are both working full-time outside the house, because of the additional stresses and division of labor. I don't think that it "has to" be the woman who stays at home (although, I consider it "gets to") but we are built differently and our instinct as women is to nurture our families. It isn't giving up something to follow that instinct, it is instead a fulfillment of who we are. We get to work the entire rest of our lives if we choose, but for our children, we only have them in our homes for the blink of an eye. Our marriages will only be as healthy and strong as we make them. And that takes time and effort. When I worked a morning shift at a radio station, I spent a good deal of my time being either too tired to do much or napping. I hadn't given it much thought until after I left that station and my husband said something about having his wife back. He didn't marry a tired, cranky DJ - it wasn't fair to him to be living with one. Temping after that paid less, but allowed me to be the me he'd married - which is more valuable in the long run? Marriage isn't an institution designed to keep women down. Children aren't accoutrements which need to be stored while you go out to find something "worthwhile" to do. A woman who puts her family ahead of a career, or money, or power doesn't lower herself; she raises the standard. I aspire to be that kind of woman.

Jami, a Feminist? Part 1 - What's in a Name?

You know how sometimes a certain topic seems to become a theme in your life? Feminism is one of those things that seems to pop up with some regularity and often in unexpected places. It's a term that I think has gotten so over-used and twisted that I really started to hate it. So let me just take a quick moment to explain my personal POV on this: Feminism, in its original form, was about bring women to equal status with men in regards to rights and employment. And I am totally down with that. Everything over, above and beyond that is often doing our gender more harm than good, in my personal and not-at-all-humble opinion. Believe me, I've put thought into this. So let's start with . . . Maiden Names/Married Names and the whole Miss-Mrs.-Ms thing. First, allow me to clarify that what you do with your name is your business and I personally don't give a toot in a windstorm. Call yourself The High Holiness Hoopmadingle if it tickles you. Go with an unpronounceable symbol, Artist Once Again Known As Prince. Have one name, Cher or four (like me!). Don't care. I like my maiden name. It's pronounceable, spellable, middle of the alphabet (so I never had to be first or last when we went that way in school - the design of my W-maiden-named mom). In my high school/college years, I pondered the implications of changing it when I married. How could I leave "me" behind to be someone else? I like me. I think family is important - how will others know I am so-and-so's daughter or sister if my last name is different? I am a (blank) and always will be. Oh sure, I doodled my potential married name in notebooks when I had a crush "Mrs. Jami Lynn Boy-of-the-Week" but that's not really serious. At a friend's wedding, I overheard another guest loudly declaring how "proud" she was that the bride planned to keep her maiden name. She talked about what a shame it is that "so many women today who you think 'get it' just give up their identities when they get married". I didn't chime in, though by that point I was married and had indeed chosen to take the Husband's last name. Lose my identity? Am I no longer me because the last part of my name has changed? If your sense of who you are rests on your surname, how sure of yourself are you? She went on about how women just changed their names out of a "knee-jerk reaction to our society's expectations". The more I listened to her, the more I assumed she didn't change her name out of pure knee-jerk not-really-feminism. Where was her thought behind it? She offered no reasoning behind her ideas, just that it was bad. It makes sense to me for women who are well known in their profession to keep their maiden names in the business world. I worked with a woman who was Ms X at the office and Mrs. Y in her personal life. Worked fine for her and her husband. But, as I thought about it, talked to others about it and looked ahead into the I hoped to have, the decision to add my Husband's last name to the end of my own seemed easy and obvious. Here's why: 1. I'm not just marrying a man, I'm marrying into a family. You don't just get the guy, you get his parents and siblings and cousins and whatever. Now, this goes the other way, too, but it's a privilege to me to be identified as a member of his family. I'd think twice if I hated his folks so much I couldn't stand to be called by their name. 2. We are starting a new family. I want us to be identified as a family. I didn't want my kids to have different last names from at least one of their parents. I don't want to go to their schools and clubs and events and repeatedly explain, yes, I am the mom and my husband is their dad, but we have different names. I want to be able to sign cards "Love, the X's" not "Love, Mr. X, Ms Y, and little X-Y". I'm not opposed to married couples picking a new name together. Or the man taking the woman's surname if they both are down with that. I just think a family should have a name, not several names. 3. What you call me doesn't change the person I am. Even if my last name became Hitler-Mao-Stalin-Hussein, I'm still me. If I am willing to stand up before God, family and friends and declare that this is the man I commit to spending my life with, how unimportant is the little matter of a name? I proudly wear the banner of the decision I made. My main thing is that it should be a decision you make both rationally and together. If you are both on totally different pages about the name thing, is it a one-issue-wonder or do you have divergent goals and ideas of what the marriage will be? Better figure that out. And, as for the Mrs./Miss/Ms - Here's the deal ladies - is it sexist that our designation indicates married or not while the nice generic "Mister" doesn't? Probably. Get over it. If you wear a wedding ring, people can figure it out. "Oh, you're 'Ms Smith'? How will I ever determine if you're married or not??" Isn't that one of those things you tend to find out about someone fairly early on? If it's a secret that you're married, you probably shouldn't be. If you're not married - good for you, you're probably discriminating. So suck it up and be what you are.

Jami is "That" Mom

Sigh. I've long been blessed with a pretty healthy dose of not caring what most people think about me. Don't like my hair, clothes, car? So what? Think I talk too much? You're probably right. Sorry. In general, my feeling is either you like me for who I am, or you don't. And mostly, that's worked for me. However, it's different now that my kids are getting out into the world. Or more specifically, kid. Eddie is in preschool now and it's a very different world from the preschool he was in last year. Not bad, just different. And I think I'm this class's "that mom". You know, like 'That mom showed up with toothpaste on her forehead, again." "That mom forgot that today is bring in a working model of a nuclear power plant you made out of macaroni day." Many of these moms show up in nice clothes and full make-up. I'm happy to be there on time with pants on. I haven't volunteered for any of the activities yet, I'm still trying to figure out how all this works and also getting used to having two kids. At Halloween, I was surprised when Eddie came home with a little treat bag from each other student. Argh!! I checked all the take-home materials, not a word in there about bringing gift bags. So then for Christmas, the paper home says we are doing a book exchange. Bring a book, gift wrapped, gender neutral, no more than $5. Sounds good. We won't be doing gift bags, because we are doing books. Right? Wrong again! Once again my thankfully-oblivious son returns home with a sack of individually wrapped treats after having none to hand out. Some moms really brought the bucks, others did nice homemade stuff. Even if I'd thought of it, with my budget and talent, Eddie would have been handing out those ghosts you make from lollipops and tissue. "Tell them it's from A Christmas Carol, baby. We're literary folk." Only that morning on the way in did I remember that moms usually give teachers a little gift. Argh again! Fortunately the patient and sainted Husband went off in search of gifts for the teachers before pick-up time. If it were just me, I wouldn't care if the other mothers noticed that I wear pajama pants about once a week for drop-off or if they whisper that I bring the cheapest snack when it's my turn. I do plan to volunteer for something, honest. But I don't want it to reflect on Eddie. I don't want him to have the mom that the other ones giggle about. Sure, he'll get picked on for something at some point in his life, everyone who hasn't been made fun of, please drop me a line, but it shouldn't be because his mom's a nutball. At our old preschool, I knew the other moms' names. We chatted at pick up time, even had a few playdates. Now I feel like the odd Mom out - maybe because we started this year late (due to birth and all) or maybe they were all friends last year when their kids were in this preschool for the 3's. I don't know and normally I wouldn't care. I have my friends. I like my friends. I barely have time for my friends. So why do I want so much to make them like me? Because Eddie's great and they all should talk about that, not about me. Mommying is hard. And I'll be ready at Valentines!

Jami vs the Elderly Shoppers

I'm all for respecting the old - surviving this cruel world for 7 or 8 decades or more is an accomplishment, no doubt. I'd hope that anyone reaching that age would have some wisdom to share, not just having lived the lessons, but also with the perspective that time brings. However . . . In a store the other day, an incident started with a common sight: an elderly woman inspecting the wealth of options for one particular product had parked her cart perpendicular to the aisle, basically blocking all traffic. Indeed the selection is baffling and often overwhelming, but one doesn't need to stop everyone else's progress whileone deciphers the meaning of the labels. As I mentioned, this I've seen often. It's usually resolved with a polite "Excuse me", although, really, regardless of age, you should be able to understand that you don't park sideways. Anyhow, this situation got worse; the nice white-haired lady was reading the labels aloud to her clearly hard-of-hearing hubby. "MOUNTAIN BREEZE!! This one is called Mountain Breeze, but it doesn't say Ultra like that other one. This one is RAIN FRESH. It's utlra, but I don't know what this symbol means, see? What does this mean??" People on both sides were saying "Excuse me!" in increasingly loud tones, and one woman attempted to move their cart for them, only to realize that with the display nearby, she'd have to either knock it down or bump them. I could almost see her contemplating the options. I was about 3 carts back, both boys in the cart and frozen veggies unfreezing as we spoke. Finally, the cart-mover bellowed "EXCUSE ME" loud enough that the rest of us jumped and the couple finally turned. At this point, it's over, right? They'll move the cart, we'll all flow around and life will be grand. Nope. The traffic-blocking woman blinked at the other woman for a few seconds and said "Yes?" "Your cart is blocking the aisle." More blinking. The husband either didn't hear the problem or chose not to be involved; he returned to inspecting the shelves. After a long, tense moment, the wife moved the cart, turning it a bit, so that now it was . . . directly next to the display in the aisle that had prevented the other woman from moving it in the first place, and turned back to the task at hand. I began to back up to pull a 3-point turn; this wasn't going anywhere fast. I don't know how it ended. Finn was hungry, Eddie was on a bazillion question roll, and I wanted to get out of there by any route necessary. They may still be there now. Rudeness and simple inattentiveness is not unique to our older citizens, but I see it in that age bracket more and more, in parking lots, restaurants and more. Last year I witnessed the slowest speed collision ever as two seniors backed out of parking spaces into each other so slowly there wasn't even a noise when they hit - talk about an avoidable accident. Both got out of their cars mad at the other one. Working in the fast food industry, both my nicest and my rudest customers were the ones getting their senior discount. Perhaps the moderate die young. I don't hate seniors, I'm not against old folks in anyway, just making the observation that more often than not in recent months, when someone's being impolite or just plain oblivious, they're more likely than not to have grey hair.

Jami Disagrees

Anyone else see a problem with this?

Now, if the person who made it lives at Giant Eagle, I guess that's true. This allows you to truthfully purchase this, take it to a gathering and say that it's a homemade pumpkin roll.

Jami Worries About the Future of Imagination

In the past several day, the topic of Legos has come up in conversation several times. If you're my age, you remember big sets of Legos, sometimes with suggestions of what you could build, pictures of different buildings or vehicles that you could assemble with some of the pieces in the box. Some had those little people with the Lego feet and C-shaped hands. But now Legos come in kits, almost exclusively, with one finished product per set. In fact, a few years ago I was unable to even locate Legos that weren't a specific kit. Don't believe me? Check out their website and try to find a lego set that isn't meant to be just one thing. On one hand, I think that this is neat. My Lego creations were basically randomly colored buildings, usually rectangular in shape and as symmetrical as I could achieve with the blocks I could reach. But what about just building something you create, or figuring out how to make something look like the idea in your head? This is where the problem lies. Our culture increasing does more for our children. They have real playhouses instead of cardboard boxes. The toys are more and more "set" or "done" and allow less room for creating and imagining. If we don't learn to use our imaginations when we're children, when will we? Combine the imagination-less toys with more TV and super-real looking video games, and I wonder if this generation will grow up imaginations at all! I have wondered if this trend, started even with my generation, I'd say, has led to fewer inventions. Or look at the seeming lack of creativity even in Hollywood - how excited do you get when a movie or TV show is truly different than the others that you've seen? Is it because we have really come up with all the ideas that exist or because people are less able to formulate new concepts? My son has an amazing imagination right now, despite his abundance of toys and probably too much TV. I try to find things for him to do that aren't set in stone, and I praise him when he creates toys or games or stories out of nothing. It's not easy, though, and I worry that I'll take the easy way too often, plopping him in front of my old friend television. I worry that the schools will try to conform his uniqueness out of him with set activities and aptitude tests. And I wonder what will happen when his generation is responsible for encouraging the imaginations of their children. Let's keep our kids in that land where all things are possible for as long as we can! My friend who found a set of "just Legos" showed it to her 9-year-old, Lego-freak nephew who had never conceived of such of a thing. The prospect of making "whatever I wanted!" thrilled him. So there's hope for these kids after all.