Jami Thinks You Need Your Head Examined If You Thought That Was Appropriate For Your Daughter

I get Halloween, at least the dressing up part. Pretending to be something or someone else and acting silly - I can totally get into that. I love the imagination of it, and come on, it's all for fun. Yes, it's all fun, until your grade-schooler looks like a whore. As a whole, we've grown accustomed to the sexy costumes for adult women. I'm not saying that's good or bad, if you're grown, you can dress like a sexy witch or hot nurse or slutty zebra for all I care. Depending on your age and figure you might even be able to carry it. Or you might look ridiculous and pathetic, but if you've reached your majority and you decide in whatever wisdom you've managed to achieve that it's a good choice - have at it. But as much as that's fine for adults, that does not make it hunky-dory for tots. Kids like to do what adults do. That doesn't mean they should. My preschooler would like to drive the car. He thinks he could do it and he really wants to. That doesn't mean I'll let him. So even if your second grader deeply loves the sexy devil costume, that doesn't mean she should wear it. I was deeply shocked by some of the costumes I have seen so far this year. The sexy devil - a girl I'd guess not more than 7 or 8, with full Miss America style pageant make up and teased up hair. Here's a pic of a similar costume. I'm so glad it has keyhole cleavage and is belly-bearing, because it's typically so warm this time of year in most of the US. I'm not sure if it's more disturbing than this one or not. I saw a few scantily clad "witches", a catsuit so tight it would make Halle Berry blush and what I think was supposed to be a Vegas dancer. No, sadly, I am not making any of that up. Most horrifying, in my never-humble opinion, was a girl in an orange mini-dress. She had torn up fishnet stockings and high black heeled shoes, the kind you might refer to (but in reference to a child I never would) as FMPs. The dress had a number printed on the front lapel and a matching orange pillbox-style cap. I looked and looked and looked at her and could not figure out what the heck she was supposed to be. I asked an adult in the group she was with, who apparently was not the girl's mother. She had the decency to look embarrassed, and said "Uh, I think she's a prisoner. You know, like a jail inmate." Sure enough the girl (maybe 10 at the MOST, if she was very tall for her age) turned around and "Department of Corrections" was stenciled on the back. Do I even need to start the list of the things wrong with that??? If I do, please stop reading this now, turn your children into the local fire department and have yourself fixed. Please. I didn't find the link to the children's one and frankly, don't want to see it again, but here's the exact costume she was wearing, on a grown woman - except it is longer on the adult. I feared what would happen if this girl had to bend down to pick up a dropped candy. What's the thinking on the parents' part here?? What is going through your head when your baby girl says she wants to buy 4 inch patent leather heels to go with her nurse outfit and you say "Okay"??? Seriously, I cannot even think of a way to justify that in my head. If you are so unbelievably wussy as to be arguing that "everyone else is doing it" or that "she doesn't know what it means" or some such, put yourself in time out. It's not just how the girls see themselves, what are you advertising when you send her out like that? You know the answer. Man up and tell your daughter "no!" But folks, here's the hard truth. While it should horrify us beyond words that they make such costumes for little girls, they do it because someone will buy it. If no one bought a skimpy outfit for their daughter, next year none would be made, because they corporations only make what they can sell. Look horrified when you see a child dressed like that,especially if the parents are around. I'm all for being nice to kids, but I would never tell that girl that she looked cute or good. There's no need to be rude, but we do girls no favors when we tell them it's okay to dress like that at their age.

Jami Hands Out Treats of Wisdom

Here's what I have to say after what seems like days of Trick-or-Treating:

1. A three-year-old who takes twenty minutes to get from the living room floor to the front door when you're in a hurry can cover a truly astounding amount of territory in just under two hours, when candy is at stake.
2. If you are going to be home on Halloween, get some candy, you cheap SOB, even if it's one Hershey's kiss per kid. If you're too much of a Halloween Scrooge to even do that, turn off your dang lights and sit in the basement so that little kids who are all excited don't waste their time going to your door and knocking, waiting, telling their Mommies "I hear talking in there, Mommy." Just get the dang candy. Jerks.
3. If you're not going to be home on Halloween and you are going to leave your front porch lights on, with all the decorations up so it LOOKS like someone is home, then I'm not going to stop my toddler from peeing in your shrubs after doing the pee-pee dance on your porch for 3 minutes.
4. When all you want is a Clark bar, your kid will never pick that one out of a bowl, even if it's the only non-Clark bar in the bowl.
5. Apples and raisins are not candy and you're not fooling even a three-year-old. And, the Husband wouldn't let Eddie eat the apple, even though I know which house it came from.
6. There are so many places now to wear your costume/get candy that next year we might not trick or treat at all (if we could get away with it).
7. If you accidentally put the glowstick necklace inside the Spider-man costume, it glows is just the wrong place, making it look like Spidey has a large glowing, uh, webslinger. Like you're about to see a comic-book porn gone wrong. It's disturbing.

Halfway through the evening, Eddie started telling candy-givers "Thank you, have a nice trip!" I don't know why. The parents would look out at me, standing on the sidewalk in my black cat ears and I'd shrug and wave and say "Happy Halloween. Have a nice trip!" This is probably why our neighbors don't talk to us much.

Happy Halloween! Have a nice trip!

Jami's Few Quick Photos of Eddie

Eddie, the happiest giraffe at Zoo Boo.

Eddie Bond examines his treasures. The bucket and sippy pumpkin were gifts from one of the Husband's coworkers.

Gooooooooo STEELERS!!!!

Eddie and his cousin, Baby Z, hang out at Grammy's house.

The aftermath of the infamous "Elmo Cupcake Incident".

Eddie built a tower of things he could reach from his crib in a breakout attempt.
Eddie's First Day of Preschool - October 5, 2007. He had more fun than it looks from the picture.

Jami Returns, With Eddie's Permission

No, I am not part of the writers' strike, I just haven't made the time to sit and blog. Yes, I'll do the Word Game tomorrow, like I'd planned to last Thursday. No, it's not in your blog, it's in your everyday conversations. Whew. Halloween was a trip. Eddie decided to have a major two-year-old moment and protested costumes. Three adorable costumes and he refused to even come within a yard of any of them. Can't trick-or-treat in street clothes, even if you are the world's most adorable toddler; what to do? I told him I'd just change his clothes and put him in his tuxedo from his uncle's wedding and poof! Bond, Eddie Bond. The little scammer got extra candy from most houses by looking up at the home owner, and with his sweetest little baby voice saying "More, please?" like some overdressed Oliver. Of course it worked. Even with me saying "Oh, please no, he's got so much." His cuteness and manners made them all comply. The next morning, I let him wear his tux, which he now apparently loves, to Gymboree. Let me tell you, you haven't seen adorable until you've seen a tiny Hispanic James Bond scaling the "bumpy wall" and crawling through the tunnel. Currently I am typing this while chanting "Go, Eddie, go Eddie! Go, go, go Eddie!" in the style mostly associated with 80s breakdancers while my son shakes his groove-thang in the living room. If I stop the cheer, even for 3 seconds to take a swig of diet Coke, I am reprimanded by Tiny Breakin' Dictator Man. You don't have a 2-year-old; they have you.