Jami Presents: Things You Can Do in a 3-Minute "Time Out"

from the voice of experience 1. Empty the dishwasher. 2. Go to the bathroom by yourself, wash your hands and put on lotion without acting like you're in a race. 3. Get the clean laundry out of the dryer and bring it upstairs to fold. 4. Read and answer 1 email, provided the computer is already on. 5. File your nails, but not polish. Don't even try. 6. Sip a can of diet Coke Plus and listen to most of a calming song on the iPod. 7. Read a magazine article, if you can find the magazine in time. 8. Open and sort your mail. 9. Change into your own PJ's. 10. Eat a candy bar in secret, slowly enough to enjoy it.

Jami and The Husband Discuss Parenting Matters

It's getting to be that time, when The Husband and I face a vital parenting question. Eddie's getting older, beginning to understand things and follow plots and whatnot, so now we face the decision we've been discussing since before Eddie was born - What order do we show him the Star Wars movies in? Which is the proper one to introduce him to the saga that helped define our generation? There are, of course, two options: 4, 5, 6, 1 ,2 ,3 - meaning, starting with a New Hope and going through the original trilogy first, the way we all saw it. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 - chronologically for the characters. It's a tough call. There are those who will argue that 4 (a New Hope, or the one you might just call "Star Wars" if you're not a big geek) is the best and that you should watch this one first because it really did start the whole thing. Certainly after watching A New Hope, you will be anxious to continue to more movies. And a case can be made for the desire to know how Darth Vader came to be once you know how bad he is. Of course, it makes lots of sense to just start with the Phantom Menace. You'll be rooting for Anakin more if you don't know where he's going. There are certainly more surprises in store for you if you haven't seen the end of the story before the beginning. And so we've decided to go for option two, 1 through 6, though we'll be waiting just a bit longer before introducing him to it. I want him to be able to remember the first time he saw it, like The Husband and I do. Of course, there's always a chance he won't be a giant nerd, but really, considering the parentage, odds are, he better get into the culture sooner rather than later.

Jami Chases the Turkey

So, the annual Turkey Chase - well, okay, the first one I've attended, but apparently this was the 21st one. What, you ask, is a Turkey Chase? It's a scavenger hunt style activity for adults who have temporarily forgotten that they are too old to be doing it. At the starting place, you and your team (the people who fit safely in your car) get a clue, which sends you to another location where you hunt for another clue which leads you to the next one and so on and so on. The final clue leads you to the PARRRR-TAAAY, where the three D's come into play - Dinner, Drinking and Dancing. Our car of rookies came in 7th - not bad for first-timers, we are told. Over 140 people participated, all of whom are normally intelligent, responsible adults. As we rushed (obeying all traffic laws) from spot to spot, we contemplated how embarrassing it would be, if we were pulled over for speeding, a carload of 30 year-olds rushing to the parking lot of a T station to find a hidden can, because our crossword puzzle told us to. Hmmm. One member of our team wanted to win, of course, but didn't really get the passion until the end of the evening, when the awesome rubber-chicken-and-random-objects trophy was presented. Suddenly, the win-lust hit and now we have plans to win the whole thing next year . . . Lessons learned: 1. Thinking too hard doesn't always help. Occam's razor has endured for a reason. 2. Don't climb over railings if you're not sure you can make it. 3. Ice is slippery. 4. If you sing badly enough, they won't make you do the entire song. 5. Child locks should be turned off, if you want your whole team to exit the car quickly. 6. People who start drinking BEFORE the Chase should not be allowed to interpret clues. I guess that's it. I'll post pictures at some point, if I remember.

Jami Saw History in Action

It's odd to me how things can trigger a memory you haven't thought about in years. A commercial for my alma mater, the venerable Edinboro University of PA (Official Motto: Yes, we know the spelling is different than the Scottish city), mentioned meeting people from all over the world and instantly I thought of this random memory: My roommate and I had befriended a nice boy named June (spelling was probably different, this was more than 15 years ago) from Czechoslovakia. He was a "second year freshman" mostly due to language barriers. I forget what his major was. Doesn't matter, really. June was visiting, just hanging out and I had the news on. They started talking about the plan created by the Czech government to split the country. Of course, we turned up the TV and watched. He crept closer to the TV, squinting, studying the map. When the story ended, he turned to us and said "I don't know where I'm from." June's family lived on the line the reporter had drawn down the country. He couldn't tell which new country his family would be in. Was his passport still good? Could he go home? What airport would he go to, what if he went to the one in the wrong country? If he left the US, would he be able to get back in? It would have been the middle of the night in Europe and with the cost of international calls, June hadn't talked to his family in several weeks. He'd have to wait until morning to call. What could I say? I certainly couldn't assure him it would all work out - who knew? Couldn't offer advice - I sure haven't been through that. I walked him back down to the lobby because he wanted to go back to his room and wait until he could call his parents. What else could he do? There isn't much more to the story. He got in contact with his family who assured him they were fine and it would all work out. He'd be getting a new passport, he could still come home and go back to school. They told him which country they were in (though I've since forgotten). It did all work out. I learned that night that world events aren't just world changing, they are people changing. Each major news story, no matter how boring or irrelevant it seems to us, effects untold numbers of Junes. You probably already know that, but I saw it that day. And it's always good to be reminded of that.

Jami's Cooking Tips, Crock Pot Edition

The recipe said, in part: "Turn the crock pot on to low if meat is thawed, or high if meat is frozen. cook 8-10 hours." The recipe did NOT say: "make sure you have plugged in the crock pot". This is really the recipe's fault, doncha think?

Jami's Reasons This Week Sucked

This week was long and stupid. I hate it when the bad days gang up on you. Combine that with my son deciding that it's fun to wake up in the middle of the night and scream for Mommy, only to immediately fall back to sleep as soon as I drag my tired butt to his bed and say "what's wrong?" Here's why I hated this week:

• The dentist found some "not cavities yet" due to my bad teeth - NOT bad brushing - that need to be "drilled and filled" to make it possible for me to brush them properly. The unpleasant office manager worked up the estimate for me and when I asked about the meds I got last time to make me mellow and less likely to flip out and run out of the dentist office with a hygienist still clinging to me, she said "Why would you want that for THIS?" Excuse me? Do you know what I've been through in my dental history? Do you know how fragile I am in regards to this? Shut up and give me the estimate, bad word. ("bad word" is the phrase I've been replacing bad words in my speech with. Not only is it less offensive, it usually makes me laugh my bad word off.) So, not only to do I feel bad about having to have it done, I feel worse about being scared of the drill. Thanks so much.
• I spent another 4 hours (bringing the 6 month total to 20 hours) over three days on the phone with Verizon's Customer Screw-vice. This time, those Bad Words assured me that it's all taken care of - even though I've yet to have a single correct bill from them. But, hey, I'm sure it is, this time.
• My company sent me the FAQ for this week's work yesterday. That's right, all the work I've had to do already because it's due Saturday at noon, they sent the FAQ on Friday afternoon. Oh, so bad wording helpful. Guess where the info for next week's work is? Here? No, don't be silly.
• I hate to get into girly stuff, but I had the dreaded PMS so bad this entire week that I actually hoped I had a mental disorder so I could get some meds. Since I'm starting to feel better, I guess they probably won't believe me that I have some initials disorder from a TV commercial (SAD, PMSD, CRAZY).
• Eddie has entered an exciting new phase called "PLAY WITH ME NOW". It's not that I'm neglecting him, it's just that after 3 straight hours of playing trains, I'm actually looking forward to cleaning the bathroom, but if I attempt that, I have 35 pounds of weeping crazy attached to my leg screaming that he CAN'T play trains alone, even though if I go back, I'm not allowed to actually touch any of the trains because I'm doing it wrong.
• I tried to do my MOPS set up early because I had a church meeting at my church and some people were in my main set up room. So not only did it slow down my set up for that night, I still had to get up early for MOPS.
• The dog has decided that the basement is an appropriate place to poo if he doesn't feel like going outside. Shut the basement door, you say? Yeah, that made him decide to use the dining room. At least the basement isn't carpeted.
• I haven't read more than 10 pages of my doula materials because of, well, everything else I've written here.
• I have to finish the Christmas Eve service tonight (writing it) and if I can't get out of this funk, it's going to be like "And the shepherds said 'Holy Bad Word! What's that?"

So here I sit, using the time I've bought by starting Sesame Street to pour my troubles out onto all of you. I should admit the following good things:

• I had MOPS which was great. I love MOPS and I may have another kid just so I can keep going when Eddie ages out.
• We had a Girls' Night Out on Thursday, where I self-medicated with fried foods and a drink the size of my head.
• The Husband found out he will have Thanksgiving off
• I'm going to lunch tomorrow with PaperWriter, who I haven't seen in forever.

So I guess it all balances out, right? RIGHT? It has to . . . .

Jami Offers Minor Fashion Notes for Men

Hi Guys, I'm a woman, not one of those girly-girls who knows designers' names and what-not, but your average everyday beer-drinkin', sports-watching chick. However, that does not make me totally oblivious to the physical appearance and, having discussed this with a few of my home-girls, we'd like to suggest the following items are not good: 1. Skinny Jeans. These make a fat guy look ridiculous, and a skinny guy look scrawny and somewhat feminine. So, unless you are a rock star who can pull it off (like a Jonas brother, maybe) or you want to look precious and delicate, get yourself some normal Man Jeans. 2. Shirts with armpit holes. Seriously. You might think no one will notice but what we are all thinking is "His BO must be so bad it ate through the material." I wear pants with holes in the knee all the time and I have had socks that literally fall off my feet, but let's just agree to toss shirts with holes in them either in the trash or in the "painting the house only" pile. 3. Long nails, especially if dirty. I don't get guys with long nails. It's so quick and easy to fix that one, and it's not like you don't ever see your hands. I'll admit my own toenails get a bit wild in the winter when I'm not seeing them regularly, but your hands are in front of your face all the time. Trim them. Girls hate guys with long nails and nothing is grosser than a guy with long nails that have crud under them. I have had long nails since 1986 and I clean them almost continually. A guy with short nails which are dirty says "I work hard, and possibly at something macho like car repairs". A guy with long nails says "I am lazy and maybe secretly girly" and if they are dirty, the message is " I am lazy and filthy and I don't even care." 4. Those shiny shorts popular in the 70's/80's. Unless you're playing basketball in a movie set in the time period, no. Just no. 5. Loafers with no socks to work or church. This wasn't discussed by anyone else, just a pet peeve of mine. We had a guy at my last job who did this and once he came in with no socks, I couldn't think of anything else except "Why wouldn't he wear socks to work??" 6. Flip flops. They are for girls. Don't wear them. Sandals are okay, but not with black dress socks, like your grandfather wore. I think those were the big ones. It might not hurt to keep in mind that as much of a stud as I am sure you are, most women don't want to see most of your chest, belly, back, or thighs and no woman, not even the one who loves you most, likes plumber's crack. Thank you and goodnight.

Jami Embarks on a New Career

So, where have I all these long non-posting days? Off to doula training classes, cramming my poor out-of-shape brain chock-full of birthy goodness. If you're not familiar with the term doula, allow me to sort of sum up: a birth doula serves a pregnant woman, and her partner, to inform them of all their choices in labor, delivery and immediately there after, help them choose what is right for them and trying her best to ensure they get the birth they want. It's not a midwife or nurse, no medical stuff here, just lots of research-based information, caring support and suggestions. I can't wait to start. I am now trained enough to go to births, though I still need to complete more classes to be certified. I think finding the first several clients will be the hardest to find "Hi, I've never done this, but how about letting me in to one of the most important events in your life?" Anyway, after several days of intense learning, my brain is beyond tired. So that's all I'm going to write tonight, but if you should find yourself in the family way, keep me in mind. . .

Jami Demands Stickers

I voted today, and realized when I got into my car that I didn't get an "I voted" sticker. I haven't gotten them the last several times, in fact. Where is my sticker? I demand justice. And stickers. Next time I'm going to ask for my sticker beforehand and if there are no stickers, no vote! Run on the "I'll Get You Your Sticker" platform to ensure my vote.

Jami Elects to Vote

Hi Folks, I know I 'd normally be saying something like 'Hey, don't forget to get out and vote tomorrow!' but today I'm going to put a twist on it. Voting is a privilege and it's important. It's also not just something you do because it's election day. So, please don't vote if:

• You are voting for a candidate because you like their hair or teeth or the way they talk or they're from your hometown/college/favorite team. Don't vote if you don't know why this person is better than the other one. There is still time to look at where a person stands on the issues that are most important to you and vote with your head, not your mood. That's figurative of course, please use your hand on the actual machine.
• You are going to pull the whole lever for one party. Sorry, I don't believe that every person in one party is the one who best suits you. Please, at least look at each set of names. And if you don't know either name, how about not voting in that race?
• You have already voted. I know there are lots of ways to get extra votes this year, and how about we all agree to just vote the once per live, over-18, non-make-believe citizen?
• You are voting for the person's race or gender. Don't vote for Obama just so you can say you helped elect the first black president. Don't vote for McCain so you can be part of electing the first woman VP.

I guess that's about it for my list of Don'ts. I hope most of all that after tomorrow BOTH sides are gracious about the outcome.

Oh - and is anyone else sort of horrified by this idea of early voting? Doesn't that just scream out for opportunities for fraud? It's already not fair that the primaries in different states at different times can take away my choices, but now the actual vote??