Jami Complains Briefly About the Husband

When a friend decided to start dating after an unpleasant divorce, his pastor suggested that he create a list of the things he wanted in a potential spouse and things that were "deal breakers". He'd asked me to help with the list, feeling that I could articulate his feelings better and also because I love lists. Incidentally, and not at all related to this post, but it made me laugh, when I said "Okay, let's start with the one thing that you think caused the biggest problem in your marriage." He said "Oh, in that case put down 'Will have sex with me'. Make that Number One and write it in capitals." Poor guy. We've lost touch, but I heard he got remarried and I hope she fits the list. Anyway, the problem I had with the whole idea of the list is that sure, you can get the big stuff: religion, child-rearing, life goals, non-smoker. But it's the little things that you just can't predict that end up being the things that make you crazy. I'm not saying they're marriage-enders, just they're the things that make you want to bop your beloved with a couch cushion. The Husband is a great guy. Totally perfect for me and if I'd have made a list, he'd have met each one - except maybe loves to dance, but I can live with that. He's also probably the only sane, straight man on the planet who has lived for more than 10 years with my particular collection of quirks (which I call "personality") and still says to himself "Yup, that's what I want." So I don't want you to think I'm complaining about him. But you know, I am. Just a little. The man is the loudest snack food eater ever. As you know, I love movies and TV, and I especially enjoy it with the Husband, until he gets that hungry look. Then, it's CRINKLE, CRINKLE, CRINKLE, CRUNCH, CRUNCH, CRINKLE, repeat. Take pretzels. He can't just get a handful out of the bag and eat them. No, no. He has to remove each pretzel (or pretzel fragment) from the bag individually, and only after rooting around in the bag, apparently to choose the exact right pretzel. And, for some reason, this is most likely to occur at the time in the show when the dialogue is both quiet and important. He's lucky we have TiVo (for the 8 second skip-back button) or he might already be hospitalized with a pretzel bag somehow embedded in his skull. No jury would convict, it would go like this: My defense attorney: I'd like to play this episode of Lost for the jury. Jami, please indicate at what point your husband's snacking interfered with your ability to hear by shaking this tambourine. Just as a major secret is revealed, I shake the tambourine, covering the revelation Jury: Boooo! DA: Oh, we had no idea. Judge, we dismiss all charges with our apologies. Jury: YAY! Denny Crane: Denny Crane! *** I used to think that at the movies, he chewed the popcorn with his mouth open. It's that loud. But no, it's worse. I watched it carefully last week when his popcorn-noises filled the theatre during an otherwise silent part of the film. First, he roots around in the bucket/bag until he has what must be the exact right combination of popcorn kernels. Then, he lifts the collection of popcorn to his mouth, and does he stuff it all in? No. Does he put a few pieces into his mouth? No. He bites through the entire handful, basically "crraaaack"ing each individual piece in half as he goes, THEN he closes his mouth and chews. He bites popcorn in half! For no good reason??? Why? WHY? He has no answer, just "That's how I've always done it." Sigh. I mean, I love the guy, but really. I, of course, use the silent but odd-looking "lizard-style" method of eating popcorn, wherein I take a handful (the first handful on top, no digging) then lift it near my face and let my tongue sneak out and grab one. When I realized I did this, I perfected doing it fairly close to my mouth and subtly enough that you really have to pay attention to see that I'm doing it. So, you see, I'm not saying anyone should be normal. Just keep the weirdness quiet when I'm watching TV.