Jami Fights the (Phone) Man

Included in last month's phone bill (which was: $22.05 total, including taxes, fees, service charges and all the other random BS they stick on there) was a smallish index card type notice that said something about how all customers were going to be upgraded to digital service by the end of the year and that our "billing may be effected". Hmmmm, that sounds a little suspect, doncha think? And how many people do you think didn't even really pay attention to that card? Oh, by the way, I am not sure about the legal ramifications of me telling you which company, so let's just say it rhymes with komkast. I needed to call them anyway, about a separate matter, after entering my phone number and playing voicemail roulette for awhile, I talk to a nice customer service rep (CSR1) who asks me my phone number. Then my name and address to verify that it's me (yeah, gee, cause it'd be impossible for anyone else to know my name, address and phone . . . .) after a few minutes of me explaining in small words why I'm calling, CSR1 informs me that yes, my service would be switched to digital and no, he can't tell me how much that will cost and that he'll transfer me to sales. CSR2, a very chipper sounding lady, asks me for my phone number, and then my name and address to verify that it's me. Then, "How can I help you?" I explain to her that I'm trying to find out what it's going to cost me when they upgrade me against my will. I tell her I don't need call-waiting or call anything. No long-distance, no "regional calling", nothing fancy. Working Local Telephone line. CSR2 happily explains to me that the most commonly requested features are "all included in the price" and you can't opt out of them to save money, but she'd be glad to tell me how to turn them off. I explain that I don't care about how to turn them off, I want to know what it will cost me. She tells me that she doesn't know that and that she'll transfer me right over to sales. I must sound confused because she asks "Is there a problem?" I reply "I just explained all this to the last person and he said he was transferring me to sales." CSR2: "And then what happened?" Me, a little incredulous: "Then I talked to you." Her: "Oh my, well that wasn't right! Don't worry, I'm going to stay on the line with you to be sure you get transferred, okay?Please hold." She totally misses the irony of saying that she's going to stay on the line with me and then immediately putting me on hold. CSR2 returns, "Jami? I'm on here with Chelsea" Chelsea: "Hi!" "And I'm going to turn you over to her because she can answer all your questions" All one of them? Great. CSR2 rings off with a cheerful "okay, bye-bye, now!" Chelsea greets me warmly; any friend of CSR2 is clearly her friend, too. She asks me for my phone number, and then my name and address to verify that it's me, even though we're great pals. I explain to her that I need a working local phone line. No long distance, no regional calling, no bells or whistles or service plans. Chelsea, who has just asked me my address to ensure my identity asks me for my ZIP code. I hear the clicky-clicky-clicky as she researches this difficult question. "Okay, Jami, now, you know, the most commonly requested features, such as Call Waiting and Forwarding are going to be included in the package." I think this is gonna be bad. "So your bill will be $54.95 a month, plus taxes and fees." I assume I must have heard wrong. I ask her with over enunciation "FIFTY-FOUR DOLLARS AND NINETY FIVE CENTS?? EACH MONTH??" She assures me that is correct and that as a bonus, there is no charge to upgrade me. Against my will. How nice. Summoning all the courtesy my mother worked so hard to instill me, I manage to stay calm and reply "My bill this month was $22 - are you telling me that my bill is going to almost triple and I'm not even getting anything for that?" "It's digital service." That was about the end for me. Quite frankly, I don't care if it's digital or string-and -can or magic as long as it works. I couldn't contain my astonishment, but I kept in mind, it's not Chelsea's fault. "Do you have any idea how ridiculous that sounds?" I had to know. Chelsea, who probably knows she's about to have a bad few months at work, answered "Well, yes, but we're upgrading everyone. And it's digital and you will get the Call Waiting. Do you have internet and cable services?" I am incredulous. Now, I've never really been in sales, but I have to think that when someone is complaining to you about your amazingly bad prices, it's not time to go for the up-sell. "No, and I certainly don't plan to sign up for them now." Chelsea tells me that if I do sign up, she'd be able to knock the phone part of it down to down $39.95 a month. I neglect to mention that their crappy cable service is the reason we got DirecTV and that I wouldn't consider going back unless they're planning to start paying me. I do tell her that we will be cancelling our service in the next day or so, and she can enter in her log book or data entry or whatever that it's due to the stupid high price. She actually says "I understand, thank you for choosing (the company that rhymes with komkast)." Apparently not fully appreciating that I am anti-choosing them. Annoyed, I do a quick interent research and, since Verizon provides us with our lovely FiOS service and seems reasonably priced, I give them a call. Verizon's CSR asks me for the number I am calling from and the super-secret password we've agreed on for my FiOS account. He gives me two options for local no-frills service, both well under $30. We discuss the merits of both plans without having to transfer me. We come to an agreement and set a date to hook me up. The last question he asks me is "What is the reason for leaving your last provider?" Hmm, what to say? Should I tell him that the company that rhymes with komkast is trying to steal $40 a month from unsuspecting patrons? Or the more simple "My current providers are big doody-heads?" I simply go with "it's a pricing issue." Verizon is going to contact the company that rhymes with komkast for me, so I don't have to explain their doody-headedness to another set of perky CSRs. So, if your current phone service provider rhymes with komkast, you might want to give Chelsea a call. Be sure you tell her I sent you.