Jami's Second Best Friend, the Revelation Part

Part one is here if you missed it. This is a loooong story, boys and girls.

So here we are - 18 years later. I lived my life, made a new best friend, a much, much better one. I forgave Leah in my heart, I really truly did. I decided that she was a horrible person, partially of her parents' making and that I'd let her take advantage of me to some extent. In less than a year, I wasn't even mad at her anymore.

Every now and then I think of her, Google her name (too common and if she's married, I don't know her new name), wonder how she is. But always still think that even if I knew, I'd have nothing to say to her.

Last week, I was listening to talk radio and a totally unrelated topic, but something hit me. Hit me so hard I put down the dish I'd been putting away and just stared off into space. Leah wasn't so much a horrible person, as a person who must have been hurting horribly. How much did she dislike herself to make up stories to sound better to the one person in the world who already adored her? How scared was she of losing my friendship that she told unbelievable tales to convince me she was cool? Looking back, I realized she never, never mentioned any new friends at her new schools. Could she have been that unpopular - possibly, she did come off as weird at first (never bothered me, of course). All those boys asking her out - if that had been true, why jump on (possibly literally) my ex, who was not especially hot or talented or even cool? Had she risked our friendship on the first guy who'd shown interest? Looking back, I'd bet she did. She lost, though, she crossed the threshold I couldn't forgive, but she still reached out to me after. I may have been the wronged party in this case, but she was injured one. Not by me, but by circumstances or her life, or whatever. Years later I heard through the grapevine that she got pregnant and dropped out of high school. I hope that's not true, but I can easily see it now. How painful is a life, if you believe that friendship means mutual using of each other? And how did I miss it then?

I'd already forgiven her for the choices she made. Now, I ache for the scared, hurting lonely child she must have been. I'd been so jealous of her - but I had the things she really wanted - friends, a sibling, a boyfriend (even if he'd broken my heart) and most of all, she had to have seen that I really loved myself. I have always been happy being me. I wonder if she didn't spend all that time with me trying to figure out how to do that. Sorry, Leah, I just didn't know.