Very Different Christmas

Last night I rocked Eddie to sleep, singing him Christmas carols and enjoying that clean baby smell. This Christmas won't be perfect, but it'll be a far cry from my last two. A year ago, I had to accept, right around this time, that there was no way my son would be home for Christmas. He'd go to bed in a foreign country with people I'd never met, and wake up to no tree or stockings. I'd wake up and know that he wasn't there. Sure, our family and friends gave us gifts for him, and we had some, too. Up until then, it was still possible he'd make it home for the holidays, but I recall the day I knew for sure he wouldn't. I sat in the finished nursery, on the floor, looking into the crib and I cried, because a baby should be with his mommy on Christmas, even if he doesn't know it's Christmas. Two years ago, I suffered the only bout of depression I've ever had. We hit a huge setback in the adoption process, something that made me worry it would never happen. Only a very, very few people even knew about it because it upset me so much, I couldn't even talk about it. I tore up our Christmas card letter which mentioned adoption and couldn't do the cards, just put them away, still in the boxes. I didn't want there to be a Christmas at all. How could it be Christmas when children needed families and we wanted one and circumstances were preventing us finding each other? I'm pretty decent at putting on a good face when I need to, but that Christmas, it almost killed me. I know Christmas isn't about gifts and cookies. I even know it's not really about families and friends and peace on Earth, though those are certainly part of the spirit of Christmas. It's a holy day, and should be remembered as such. But it's also a special time, a time we make memories with loved ones and a time we share, give, cherish and love. This Christmas won't be perfect. My grandfather won't be able to join us for breakfast and opening gifts. Things will go wrong. But for the first time in several years, I am looking forward to Christmas. Please Christmas don't be late.