My Personal Assistant, and Why He Doesn't Exist.

Why do celebrities get personal assistants and I don't? Seriously, how can Jessica Simpson's life be more complex than mine? Now, to some extent, I understand that someone who is not sure what animal kingdom the enigmatic tuna belongs to may need additional help with things like tying one's bikini, but I really can't believe that she has more things to keep track of than I do. Just saying. I've always wanted a personal assistant - mostly because I am the Idea Girl and I need that detail person to do the things that don't occur to me, and to carry out my brilliant vision. However, like super-powers, I suspect this would be something that I would quickly abuse and be rolling on down the dark side path before very long. The reason this occurs to me is that at various times, I think "if I had a personal assistant he would do this" or "would have taken care of that". Yes, of course my personal assistant is a guy. I don't need to risk someone else going hormonally nuts, or someone who is somehow more attractive than I am (I know, it's unlikely, but still) or someone who might be tempted to steal my shoes. So a straight guy. A smart, strong one. Strong, smart, unattractive, sane women who don't like my shoes will also be considered. Anyhow, most of the tasks I assign to Imaginary Personal Assistant (IPA) are the ones you'd expect: mail this package, remind me I have a meeting, pick up my library books. But then there are the things I know I shouldn't tell him to do, but in my head, I already did. Tie my shoe; I don't feel like bending over. Brush my teeth while I'm still in bed because even though I know I have to start getting ready, I don't feel like getting up yet. Oh, and while you're at it, pop my contacts into my eyes and start the shower. Do IPAs do one's hair and make up? Because I hate doing that crap (and yes, I know that explains my normal appearance). One of two things would happen - he'd quit because no one's going to want to deal with that, regardless of pay and benefits, or he'd give into one stupid request and they'd get increasingly ridiculous until eventually we ended up on the evening news because I convinced him to do something illegal, immoral or just really, really spectacular. "[IPA's Name] claims he invented the matter transporter because his boss insisted that the fries get cold on the three minute drive home from McDonalds." If you're interested, I can pay about $2 American per day, which includes being available 24/7 but you get off most holidays and when I feel like I can handle it.