Saying Goodbye

Of all the things I believed in, I just want to get it over with. I'm basically alone in the office today. An email from a coworker asked me to start going through things. Figure out which laptops actually still work. Put all the "like" things together for when the consolidators come. Easy, mindless, physical work. It's so much harder than I expected. This place has been so much to me and I did believe in it, I really did. Even when I was briefly laid off, I knew I was coming back. And I did. Now, I know I'm not. This is it, a few more days in this office and it's actually over. Tears form behind my eyes, but I do not cry - counting the days that pass me by. I threw out several packs of demo CDs, each for a new product, our company going in a new, exciting direction. Holding the pristine discs still in their sleeves, I could feel the hope and excitement we'd made them with. We're going to need several of these, everyone in this market is going to want to see this. Now, they rest together in a garbage can, never watched, never sent, never even slid out of their plastic homes. Throwing that hope away, that's what I felt. I've been searching deep down in my soul. I've been saying how I can't wait until this is over, until we're finally free of this company, but part of my soul knows that's a lie. Leaving my last job (company sold, all employees fired) I embarrassed myself by crying very publicly. I swore I'd not get that attached to any other job, but who was I kidding? I poured myself into this job. I've laughed, cried, bled, slept, learned, fought, and loved here. It's how I do everything and it's how I worked here. Leaving, even now, when it's become more welcome than it otherwise might have been, it will tear a hole in me. Again. And I'll cry, again. Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old. Mistakes that brought us here, were repeated over and over again. Promises made and broken, intentionally or not. Bad choices. Selfish decisions. Short-sighted plans or no plans at all. We've been in a downward spiral and each time we went around the loop, those of us not steering, but along for the ride, heard the same song. Feels like I'm starting all over again; the last three years were just pretend. It's actually 5. Five years, one month, three weeks. And I'm back where I was, saying goodbye to the job I've loved the most. It hurts to want everything at the same time. I want to be home with Eddie. I want to stay here and make this work. I want to be important, powerful and clever, respected in the business arena. I want to run away from this corporate mindset and never look back. I want to be a decision maker, but never responsible. I want to be rich with money I earned, but I want to go home and be a mommy and never leave my baby's side. I don't want to see the bare wall where my "office personalizations" are now. I don't want to see the door with our name scraped off. I don't want to say goodbye to people I know will drift out of my life. but I don't want to be here. And I say, Goodbye to you. Goodbye to everything I thought I knew. You were the one I loved, the one thing that I tried to hold onto. No, this company isn't "everything" I thought I knew, but it's been a huge part of me for 5 years. I do love it and did try to hold on, really. I did my best. I can leave here knowing that I did everything I possibly could to make it work, but most of it was out of my hands. Bad timing and bad choices killed this place, and it hurts my heart. I have to go put more cables into boxes. Pack up books. Sort out power cords. And finish saying goodbye.