Jami Contemplates Grieving

Unfortunately, the past year or so, I've had several opportunities to consider the grieving process. I've lost a grandfather and several family friends, most recently this past Sunday. In the eleven-plus years we've been married, we've also lost three of the Husband's grandparents and a dear aunt. So I'm no stranger to the whole process, sad to say. And I really believe, as hard as it is, there is great value to the tradition of the viewings and a service. During the days between a loved ones passing and the final service, be it a memorial in a chapel, a celebration of life, or the actual internment, those days find one adrift in a sea of confusion, grief and desire to best remember the loved one. Even for the one who has to oversee the arrangements, there is some cold comfort in routine and effort. For the others, there a security of a plan - we go here at this time, then we will go there. Having viewings serves many purposes. For the grieving family, it is a place to escape the "real" world and live instead in safe haven for their emotions. While you may not feel comfortable sniffling though the grocery store or weeping at the bank, no one will think twice of a niece or grandson crying at the funeral home, whenever they feel the need to. The family is gathered during those days, supporting each other, sharing their pain and remembering the beloved deceased. These are times not only of comfort, but of family growth and strengthening. If these days are not planned as such, the family may be scattered, grieving separately and confused as to what do to. In the cases of all the people we've had to say our final farewells to, hundreds of people wished to share their love of our relative with us, to offer their support, and to say their own goodbyes. If there is only a single service, and those generally during a weekday morning, many of those who wish to are not practically able to complete these functions. When the Husband's aunt passed away, much too young at 55, scores of her friends and coworkers made a point to tell us a story about how she touched their lives. We met people who cared about her and learned about parts of her life we didn't necessarily know much about. It was a great joy in a time of great sorrow. Alternatively, at my own grandfather's service and wake, many people who wanted to honor his life couldn't take a day off work to do so, and with limited time, I know that I could not and did not get to talk to all the people who had something to share about him. The days of the visiting and funeral are emotionally draining and hard to face, but they also really give one the chance to pour out the emotion in a safe and honest way. Like a large task that must be done, grieving is not a single act. Taking time out of your routine to push through the hardest part helps immensely. By the end of the funeral service, there is a calm - the feeling that you have survived the sharpest edge of the grief, and the service is the signal to your emotions to begin the healing. Not to forget or "get over" the loss, but to dull the ache and allow you to continue living and remembering the person the way you want to - the happy moments and good times. Not having that extends and confuses the healing, at least in my case. Maybe it's all me, and everyone hates this tradition but does it because that's what we do. I think it evolved this way for a reason and it's for our emotional health. I do hope, though, that if you think of making your own final arrangements, that you will remember the needs and desires of your loved ones, and not just what you want. I hate to say it, but you'll be the least interest of all the parties.