Jami Hates Planned Helplessness

I have been accused, at times, of lacking mercy for those who are "helpless" in various situations. And to some extent this is true. I have great compassion for people who find themselves in need, and strive to remedy their situations. I've lost jobs, and it can be devastating. A friend's husband had an unexpected, surprising heart condition which shook their family to the core in a number of ways, and I did what little I could for them. There are times when lightning does strike (metaphorically, and literally) and for those people, I have pity and concern. This came to mind today as I overheard an older woman talk about how if her children or grandchildren don't come over to put gas in her car, she just has to find a place with full service, because she never learned to pump gas and she "just can't at this point. What if I do it wrong and the gas sprays everywhere? It could blow up. And I don't know how to use a credit card to pay, it looks like way too much to learn." Now, I have pumped my own gas exactly twice in the last 12 years. I have the Husband who shows his love by making sure my tank is full. But I know how. What if the day comes when I need to know? Would I rather learn it now or in a crisis? I was reminded of when one of our relatives was widowed and became helpless; she didn't know what any of her bills were. She didn't know where her checkbook was or how to fill out a check. She didn't know what anything cost or how much money she had, either saved or coming in. This woman had no mental disabilities or problems, no real health issues; she simply had allowed others to step in and care for her until she could no longer do so herself - other relatives continued to "run her life" until she died. Lucky for her, they were good people. Think how very badly that could have gone. This is the kind of helplessness for which I have a lack of compassion. A teenager in my youth group years ago who had siblings do everything for her. She would try something once and if she failed or it didn't go the way she wanted or it got "too hard", she gave up, cried "impossible" and found someone else to do it for her. This was a 7th grader who had her big sister zipping up her coat when the zipper didn't zip up the first try. A relatively bright girl, her mother wondered why she had a hard time in school. How do you say, "because you've let her be a 13-year-old infant"? To me, this is the same as people who spend their lives on welfare, section 8, medicaid, and SSI, not because they are actually disabled in a meaningful way, but because they have planned to be helpless and been taught that they can not do for themselves. We do them no favors by giving them that which they could earn. Abraham Lincoln said it best, I think, "You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves." You cannot gain pride in ownership of what you haven't worked for. You can't be proud of yourself when you have accomplished nothing and believe you will never accomplish anything. I don't mean great deeds, I mean the satisfaction of completing something, anything, yourself - especially something you didn't think you could. There are things I will never be able to do, but there are things I didn't know I could do, until I did. Working for something is a gift we deny people when we rush to rescue them. Compassion doesn't always mean blindly given what is requested, sometimes true compassion lies in denying help to someone who would be better served struggling for the goal.