Jami Shows No Weakness

I recently realized how hard it is for me to ask for what I really need, or talk about when things are bad for me. I'd say that I always ask for help and delegate, and that's true - for things that aren't personal. I ask for prayer when we're taking prayer requests - for other people. I'll tell you how really, truly awful my day was - in a humorous story-telling way. I tried, last week, to share a bad day I'd had with friends. But I couldn't do it in the way I had in my head. I'd planned to say "I really hated today and I could use some sympathy and hugs, since I can't drink right now." But instead, I made it story, with each "and then . . .." as the next punchline. I entertained. Because if you can laugh about it, it didn't really bother you, right? You're stronger than it. Wrong. I didn't tell them about how I sat and sobbed and couldn't answer the phone because I was crying too hard. I told them what happened, but not how bad it hurt. I couldn't. I realized, I don't. Not anymore. Yes, I can point to the times I've shared and been shot down, or put down, or ignored, but shouldn't that just mean that I should be more judicious in who I share with? If I know that if I go to Joe when I need a shoulder to cry on and he just always one-ups me, that I should go to someone else? Instead, I seemed to have internalized that it means I can't go to anyone. Or if I find one person, I could overwhelm him/her. Who wants to be the only person I can dump on? That's not going to last. I used to cry all the time, in front of whoever happened to be around. When I stopped that, I think I over-corrected. I can't show that side of me outside my house, anymore. I prove to myself over and over that I am stronger than that. That I don't need to share or ask for help. The rare times I break down I am mortified, and will do whatever I can to recover as fast as I can, trying to make it a joke as fast as I can. Laughing trumps crying. And at that point, I don't want you to give me sympathy, because then it all comes pouring out and I can't hold it back and then I see that pathetic girl I used to be, crying in front of everyone in third grade. I don't know what the point of this post is, except that sometimes I really do need help. And sometimes when I'm laughing, it's so I don't cry.