Now I know I'm a Winner

I love getting the emails from Publisher's Clearing House. Remember when they sent you paper mail and it said something like "You may already be a winner!!!"? Well, in the emails, they get more creative, and I have to tell you, I look forward to seeing what they think of next. Today's made me laugh out loud. It started off by telling me that they like to film the winner's reactions, so they can use that as a commercial later. However, the "last winner" had a reaction that was "not exciting". To prevent this for when I win, they sent me a little script. If, when I win, I say the lines they sent, they will give me an extra $5 thousand. So, here I am at the front door - they've got a check with my name on it for TEN MILION DOLLARS, but if I say "(Excited) I just won ten million dollars from Publishers Clearing House! Now I know it's real!" they will give me another measely 5 grand. I think the "(Excited)" is stage direction, but I plan to say it when they are there, to be sure there are no legal loopholes to prevent me getting my extra $5K. Other recent ones include: "Someone with the initials <my initials> is GUARANTEED to win!!" In tiny print, at the end, it says that the prize may be $100. One said that I was going to win some very bizarre amount, like $1,445,962.36, because they had calculated the taxes I'd pay on the winnings and that would still leave me with an even million. "Please confirm your address so we don't get lost on the way to your house!" I assume they're going to use MapQuest. I should probably let them know about the construction blocking our street. "If WPXI is not your local station, inform us right away - we like to bring the local news with us when we deliver the $10million grand prize. Is <name of some local florist I've forgotten> the florist closest to you?" They always have "personal info" and it's always in all caps and bold. "JAMI you may be our next PITTSBURGH, PENNSYLVANIA winner!" However, I think today's is my favorite. If you need me, I'll be at home by the door, practicing saying "(Excited) I just won ten million dollars from Publishers Clearing House! Now I know it's real!"